Writing, photography, painting, creating.
Meditation, burning sage, crystal healing, chakra cleansing.
These and other coping skills, creative avenues, and spiritual awakening activities are great. They certainly have their place in feeling/releasing emotion, and can help people get through the day. However, what I have found is that in order to do them, I have to be feeling a certain amount of well already. I have to have the time and energy to put into these self-help activities and creative outlets.
If you are like me, then you have felt the weight of depression like a wet washcloth covering your head. You’ve carried around fear and worry so heavy that you can’t finish a conversation or struggle to get out of the car even though you are at your destination. You've spent lots of time being paralyzed by the flood of too many thoughts.
Fear of inadequacy; fear of facing the dirty dishes. Sitting stuck in replays of the past; worrying about future disasters. All of these notions compiling together, freezing you in the moment and pushing you further into self-doubt, self-loathing, self-all-of-the-things.
If you’ve ever felt that way, then you know.
You know that doing something that might help you feel better, seems like more work than it’s worth. And while you are considering your options for how to pull yourself out of the funk...the voice whispers in your ear,
"Hell I’ll probably fuck that up too."
We all hear our own voices, and perhaps even the voices of others, in our heads. An inner-dialogue that can be distracting, hurtful, scary, or inviting us to do things we don’t really want to do. It can also be helpful, logical, or downright insightful at times. But have you ever wondered, who exactly is that voice and where does it come from?
We all have stigma around mental illness whether we have it, know someone who has it, or are blissfully ignorant to it. Hearing voices has become synonymous with being crazy, insane, schizo, psychotic, or another terribly derogatory term. Out of fear of judgment from others - or maybe from yourself - people typically aren’t willing to acknowledge the voice(s) inside their head.
However, the key to learning how to truly help myself came to me when I was 23. It was a time when all of my insecurities, self-hatred, and self-destructive behaviors collided in the most catastrophic way possible, or so I thought at the time. Seeing the multitude of negative ways that this could possibly play out, I decided to give counseling a try. I knew that if I was going to survive, I would need help.
It was in those first few sessions that I began a life-altering practice that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. A dialogue that I later realized was the foundation for self-discovery. I learned how to separate and access these voices - termed “parts.” I sat and spoke with all of the parts that make up who I am today:
The hurt and depressed parts of the past. The worried and hyper-vigilant ones that were keeping me on my toes. The protective parts that shielded me from pain. The firefighters who learned to cease the fires with unhealthy behaviors. The managers that helped distract me from hurting by giving me tasks and telling me how lazy I was if I didn't do them.
One by one, I pulled back layers of these parts and introduced myself. For the first time, I heard and gave voice to those hurt, exiled parts. I was able to acknowledge and thank my protective parts for all the work they have done for me. I spoke with parts of me that didn’t even know present day Self existed, as well as ones whom I had forgotten about.
Now, almost a decade later, I have journeyed again and again to the innermost depths of myself to heal. In doing so, I have uncovered truths that I have hidden from myself. I have satisfied previous versions of myself in a way that only I could by offering them love and compassion. I have learned acceptance and forgiveness, both for myself and for others.
So yes, I do write, paint, and take photographs. I also meditate, use crystals, burn sage, and cleanse my chakras in the moonlight.
But the only thing that actually allows me to re-center is great introspection. When I start to feel a certain way (exhausted, stressed, depressed, anxious) I set aside time to listen to all those voices that are desperately trying to tell me something. I communicate with them and let them know that I am here. I hold them, send love to them, and ask them what they need from me to feel safe. Most importantly, I thank them for being there.
In this way I have learned to create a version of me that exists in the present. One that feels more balanced and at ease. One that is compassionate and more available to help others. One that feels whole and can fully emerge as Self.
***
There is no counseling model or healing process in general that is one-size-fits-all. However, the therapy model that is featured in this piece is called Internal Family Systems (IFS). If you would like to learn more about it or find a certified provider near you, click here.
I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my work. This topic is one that I hold very close to heart. My hope is to spread awareness of different therapeutic models that may help others who battle their internal parts as well. To view my other stories, some of which are related to this topic, please view my profile by clicking here. Please share, heart and tip as you feel called. I truly appreciate your time and generosity. 🙏🏼💛
About the Creator
Kat Sung (they/them)
The human experience through my personal lens.
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