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Confusion:in words

by Zainab Rehman 8 months ago in coping

This is the beginning of a journal entry.But certainly not the end.

Distractions. All I want to have. I look and look to find something to occupy my mind. I can’t listen to myself a second longer. My mind is so foggy and every night an inexplicable wave or some may say rush comes over mind. I want to feel, I want to stretch it all out. But it doesn’t work. Stretching it out, clenching my fists together won’t get it to go away. Talking. That isn’t an option. I don’t know how. Every time I waste time trying to seem fine, trying to make sense of things. I say sometimes I think these thoughts but that’s a lie to you, to myself even. I guess I say ‘sometimes’ because saying all the time or every night sounds too much like depression. I have been told that depression never goes away. I’ve also been told that ‘happiness’ is a choice. Then here, I choose happiness! I’m typing it I’m thinking it. I want it. But where is it when I need it. Nowhere. It’s a once in a moon feeling, and I hate that. I dwell on them moments, clinging onto the light they bring me .But that light, it’s burning. It’s out. It’s left the frame of my comical life and comically ill self. I’m smiling. Not because I’m happy but because I put it into words. Something I doubted I would ever be capable of.

Words. I really did that. I personally don’t think I’m done writing , although knowing me I’ll probably find a way to convince myself that enough is enough and I must simply stop with the theatrics. You see I love acting like my dialogue is a script. Why? Well isn’t it obvious. A script is well…. not written in stone, it can be altered, discussed and on the round table I can decide whether some of it makes the cut or not.

Nevertheless, I’m starting to become fidgety my fingers are slipping and sliding all over the plastic keys and my music has stopped playing. At this point I’d usually just give up writing but I think I won’t. Maybe it’s the sleep deprived part of my skull talking or perhaps it’s that I don’t want to say goodbye to you, just yet. So this is it. You know the deep dive into my mind. The oh my goodness the mind of a sixteen year old. No. More like the mind of an individual who wants to put it all on paper and also read it. However if this ever meets the south facing day of light, then I will know it’s not just on my PC it’s dreadfully somewhere else and I have well and truly faced my fears. Hopefully that day comes but as of right now I’ll continue checking in here and there to give stupid updates as I previously and not so obviously stated about my ‘comical life’.


Zainab Rehman

New vocal writer here. Go easy on me. :)

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Zainab Rehman
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