Cigars to Save Lives

Depression is a funny thing. There is no big defining moment where you finally conquer your inner demons. More like a lot of small battles that don't seem to matter that add up. I remember back when. I would wake up look at a few bottles of pills and think not today, today will be better. I never actually believed and was convinced I was lying to myself because don't you know there is no deception like self-deception. Every day before I went to sleep, I looked at those bottles thinking that I would wait till morning to decide after a night's sleep. In truth I don't know how long this cycle went. I don't even remember when it stopped. The thought of death was always present in the background. I was isolated not talking to anyone. I was subconsciously trying to lessen the impact my death would have. It's weird you think if you push everyone away, they won't be sad at your death. While not trying to plug the idea of smoking it was cigars that caused the first many victories. I'm a smoker and someone reached out to me to meet for cigars. Now if you don't know anything about smoking actual cigars hand rolled make cigarettes look pathetic by comparison. How could I pass it up? Something about the extra nicotine made me more relaxed and let me enjoy myself for a while. It started to be a thing to meet for dinner and then talk over cigars. Small amounts of human contact helped distract from the feelings making me depressed but, not enough to make them go away entirely. The next small victory came from someone new being hired at work. Now this whole time I had learned to act normal in public. I normally let myself only let my guard down by myself. I don't why I wanted to spend more time with them. I imagine it was probably a mix of those cigar meetings made me realize how much I missed human contact, wanting to spend time with someone close to my own age, and the fact she was almost contagiously happy most days. I even caught I genuinely smiling around her instead of faking feeling happy. It's funny someone can affect someone without realizing it. Not going to lie I was kind of awkward trying to talk her but, hell it had been a while since I had initiated trying to spend time with someone socially. The other person I was spending time with initiated the idea of spending time socially. Now before this goes off the rails and people start thinking this is a love story, I'll clarify. It was something so much simpler just someone trying to make a friend, so they didn't feel so lonely and trapped. It may sound stupid but without all those small meetings for cigars which were in themselves small victories I don't think I would have gotten to this point. Over time I started feeling more comfortable spending time with them and those things I had been telling myself in the morning and night didn't seem like lies anymore. One day I woke up drank a cup of coffee with a cig and it wasn't till about halfway through I realized I had skipped my dark morning ritual and then I realized I had skipped it for a few days the night one to. It had stopped so gradually I didn't even notice right away. Wasn't long till I was starting to have hopes and dreams again. I tell this story for two reasons for those of you who feel lost and hopeless it can get better and for those not struggling it took someone reaching out to me for the change to start. This story could have had a very different ending if not for that.