Thelomanious Skorinko
Bio
I'm just someone who enjoys occasional writing and thought I would give this a try. Hope you enjoy the work.
Stories (5/0)
The Failure to Understand Love
To often when we hear people refer to love it is almost always in the romantic sense of the word. At least in the US anyway. It has lead to a bastardization and pigeon holing of the word to a specific sense of an emotion that is much more complex and nuanced than it is regularly given credit for. In such cases as love for family we know it is different than romantic love but the distinction is often lost some in translation. The thought of feeling love for a friend is almost always considered in the romantic sense of the word.
By Thelomanious Skorinko6 months ago in Humans
Cigars to Save Lives
Depression is a funny thing. There is no big defining moment where you finally conquer your inner demons. More like a lot of small battles that don't seem to matter that add up. I remember back when. I would wake up look at a few bottles of pills and think not today, today will be better. I never actually believed and was convinced I was lying to myself because don't you know there is no deception like self-deception. Every day before I went to sleep, I looked at those bottles thinking that I would wait till morning to decide after a night's sleep. In truth I don't know how long this cycle went. I don't even remember when it stopped. The thought of death was always present in the background. I was isolated not talking to anyone. I was subconsciously trying to lessen the impact my death would have. It's weird you think if you push everyone away, they won't be sad at your death. While not trying to plug the idea of smoking it was cigars that caused the first many victories. I'm a smoker and someone reached out to me to meet for cigars. Now if you don't know anything about smoking actual cigars hand rolled make cigarettes look pathetic by comparison. How could I pass it up? Something about the extra nicotine made me more relaxed and let me enjoy myself for a while. It started to be a thing to meet for dinner and then talk over cigars. Small amounts of human contact helped distract from the feelings making me depressed but, not enough to make them go away entirely. The next small victory came from someone new being hired at work. Now this whole time I had learned to act normal in public. I normally let myself only let my guard down by myself. I don't why I wanted to spend more time with them. I imagine it was probably a mix of those cigar meetings made me realize how much I missed human contact, wanting to spend time with someone close to my own age, and the fact she was almost contagiously happy most days. I even caught I genuinely smiling around her instead of faking feeling happy. It's funny someone can affect someone without realizing it. Not going to lie I was kind of awkward trying to talk her but, hell it had been a while since I had initiated trying to spend time with someone socially. The other person I was spending time with initiated the idea of spending time socially. Now before this goes off the rails and people start thinking this is a love story, I'll clarify. It was something so much simpler just someone trying to make a friend, so they didn't feel so lonely and trapped. It may sound stupid but without all those small meetings for cigars which were in themselves small victories I don't think I would have gotten to this point. Over time I started feeling more comfortable spending time with them and those things I had been telling myself in the morning and night didn't seem like lies anymore. One day I woke up drank a cup of coffee with a cig and it wasn't till about halfway through I realized I had skipped my dark morning ritual and then I realized I had skipped it for a few days the night one to. It had stopped so gradually I didn't even notice right away. Wasn't long till I was starting to have hopes and dreams again. I tell this story for two reasons for those of you who feel lost and hopeless it can get better and for those not struggling it took someone reaching out to me for the change to start. This story could have had a very different ending if not for that.
By Thelomanious Skorinko3 years ago in Psyche
Sleepless night
I lay awake at night. Thinking of how I have found a living piece of heaven in human form. Yet it being so close is just barely out of reach. Laying there I find my mind drifting to her. Hair as dark as night a shade of ebony that reminds me of a beauty that only exists in twilight hours before dawn. Eyes of emerald that are reminiscing of a spring meadow perfectly at peace. Skin of ivory almost like the most amazing marble sculpture come to life. Her shy smile that sets my soul on fire when she starts to talk to about her passions or pass times. A voice in talk and song that could move even the devil to tears from its beauty. As much as the aesthetics lure you in the it is the soul and personality that are the true nature of enrapture. An intelligence tempered with a wisdom not meant for one so young. A soul of genuine mercy and compassion that could rival even the most devout angel. She has dreams and passions she fervently chases but, still makes time for the simple pleasures in life even the silly ones. Just her mere presence in my life has returned me from a state of cynicism and feelings that life was a burden to not only living again but, finding joy in even the tough days. So here I lay knowing I don't deserve anything so wonderful in my life. Wanting with all my heart to become closer to her but knowing I'm not worthy enough. Maybe it is my punishment for my past to be this close to heaven but even embrace it. If so, it feels more like a divine reward than punishment for even as things are it fills my mind with hope and soul with wonder and joy. Even the lack of sleep laying here doesn't bother me, for even in absence the mere thought of her brings me peace. A peace that has been lacking in my life for as long as I can remember. Peace that has changed not only how I act but how I think as a person. Slowly I find myself moving from seeing the worst in the world and in people. Slowly this sense of peace has opened my eyes to an understanding on a deeper level. I no longer assume malicious or stupidity when someone does something I do not understand. She has brought me a sense of peace where I can now see beyond my own conceptions of life and see the views of other’s thoughts to an extent. Cynicism was a coffin of living death that I had not only built but was slowly designing a mausoleum of cynicism to burry alive any since peace, joy, or hope. Cynicism had become a way of avoiding life. Truly the returning of someone from a state of death while living or at least that of slow decay was the work of an angel of mercy. Where once on sleepless night I only thought of past pain. Now I find my mind drifting to her. While I know I have praised her aesthetics and charm the true reason I find myself thinking of her is because of the kindness and compassion she demonstrated. Anyone can be kind and compassionate to someone who is kind and compassionate too. The reason I compare her to an angel is because it is not of human nature to be those things to someone who has given up hope, become cynical, and all around now longer expects these things. Someone who when they receive them believes an ulterior motive is there. Sometimes you just meet an angel from heaven meant to bring peace to the downtrodden.
By Thelomanious Skorinko3 years ago in Humans
I Hope You Find Someone Who
I hope you find someone who cannot wait to see you and is excited at the thought of spending time with you. I hope you find someone who thinks about you during the day maybe not going so far as to miss you but, notices something that makes them think of you whether it is something silly to share and just something they think you would enjoy. I hope you find someone that is genuinely excited to hear your good news and supportive when things do not go your way. I hope you find someone who finds the peace in the quiet moments with you and just enjoys their time with you. Someone who is calm and peaceful. Someone who can make even the most challenging of times seem manageable from their presence in your life.
By Thelomanious Skorinko3 years ago in Humans
Buried relationship
In these still moments I find my mind wandering to the graveyard of relationships long buried. While most I am happy are dead and buried one always stands out. The one that haunts me to this day. The one I destroyed from nativity of youth and pride. My last relationship had ended because my fiancé had found my poetry expressing my deepest desires and emotions. She threw it out and told me if she wanted her respect to not show emotion and be a man and suppress it. She eventually left me for a man she deemed more masculine. So, I was taught to bury my soul. I carried this knowledge to my next relationship. A funny thing about burying your soul is when you can't show or express an emotion it turns to resentment at the world. Being young and believing the stereotype that anger was the only feeling men could have I found it intoxicating. I was angry at having a job that was work I hated, I was angry at politicians who seemed to make a good living doing nothing but argue and make press conferences, and I was angry about my lot in life. I knew I could change my lot in life but, then I wouldn't be able to feel anger anymore the only emotion people deemed acceptable for a man. The next relationship saw something in me could tell I was suffering spent countless days trying to heal the pain, I carried with me. All she wanted was for me to feel safe expressing myself to her but, the lesson I had learned was ingrained to deep. I knew she wanted me to let myself feel and be whole again but, fear of losing her when she deemed me less than a man stopped me. Ironically it was this unwillingness to open up that doomed the relationship. For when she saw that I was unwilling, and it was not a matter of trust but of will that kept me this way she knew she couldn't save me and had to walk away. I was young, arrogant, and naive. This is why it haunts me. All I had to do was believe her when she told me it was ok to open up and trust that this time would be different. I threw away pure love in the name of fear and pride. I doubt she even thinks of me anymore in truth I hope she doesn't. I hope she found someone who can be what I refused to be but, still I regret the fact I had a chance at something amazing and lost it by my own fault.
By Thelomanious Skorinko4 years ago in Humans