Caught

How is it that when I’m practicing mindfulness-that is to say, making an effort to track my thoughts. Notice them. “Bring awareness”, as my therapist calls it- I’m met with ideas about myself and the world, that I’m not familiar with? Parts of me that I haven’t met yet. I’m reminded of the infinite Self within. Vastness that is me. That envelopes me, holds me, and at times drops me. So effortlessly; or so aggressively I can feel the weight of it all buckling my knees... Parts of me that even after 26 (and a half) years of walking this earth, in this body, I have never been introduced to.

Big questions, seldom answered. “What is the point?” Existential issues of my own identity. What it means to be this person. Why did my soul choose this reality? Do I even believe in that? What are the consequences of my subscriptions to any doctrine-or lack there of? Do I burn in hell as karmic payback for not believing in karma? Am I paranoid?

Bring it back to breath.

Smell the air: Sweet. Floral?

Flowers everywhere. I couldn’t identify them if I tried. I’ve lived here almost my whole life, and I’ve never thought to look up what flowers line these lush pathways. Really, I don’t care what their names are. I just appreciate the way they look. If I’m being honest, I’d never noticed them until today, I just appreciate the way they smell. What might that say about me? I’ve never been known for my observational skills. But I’ve taken this walk all summer and never glanced to the bushes. What else have I missed that’s been right in front of me? My mind traipsing this unknown territory, seemingly without my permission. How often does that happen? How often am I in two places at once? Presently performing a task, and just as absent in my thoughts wherever they may take me. Who is taking me? Who is the thinker? Where does it come from, God? Nowhere? Everywhere?

Bring it back to sight.

See the world: Alive. Pastel?

Humming to myself, “pink skies twisted up with the blues”. Sunsets are my favorite. The sun kissing the back of the clouds so they’re lined with thinly spun gold string. Pink shadows blanket everything touched by the light. Spiders sliding down from the trees, setting breakfast traps that seemingly only catch my eyelashes as I walk through them. I could maybe do without that part. But I’m apologetic nonetheless. There’s a flutter in my chest as I begin to question my place in all this. I feel myself beginning to spiral. I kind of like that feeling. It seems to be a space where I come to conclusions. Epiphanies. A dull remembrance of my purpose. Purpose? What is the point? Look at these spiders. Why don’t they have to worry about making rent? Careless, floating, building. Maybe that’s it. Does it need to be so philosophical? Maybe I’m here to observe the spiders, and nature. The way trees dance to the breeze. The way the sunset changes the colour of everything. To be present. Mindful.

Bring it back to touch.

Feel it all: Soft. Warm?

(relate it to vitality)

How does my body feel? I walk briskly, taking long strides. I make a point to feel a stretch in the back of my legs with every step. The air is warm, but it cools my face and hands as it moves around me. I create my own wind; I can see the grass sway in my peripherals when I walk past. My feet secured in runners older than I am, seem to be coping well with the weight of the rest of me bearing on them with each step. I say a quick “thanks” to my body, as she’s the reason I take these walks. It started because I wanted her to be different, but it’s turned into so much more. If not for her working parts, I might not have made the time to get sucked into the black holes of my mind. I’m doing this wrong. Two minutes in and I just keep losing focus.

Back to taste.

What the fuck did I have for lunch?

Coffee.

I ingest so much caffeine, it’s a wonder that it isn’t my blood type. Either way, it’s a significant component of my DNA. Would I have it any other way? Maybe, but it’s a fool who wishes to tamper with the unbroken. Wouldn’t hurt to brush my teeth, though.

Back again to sound.

Listen:

Just Listen.