"Calm Down" The Worst Phrase Ever

You are angry. You have been slighted. You demand justice. The person you're talking to doesn't give you satisfaction though, they tell you to calm down.

Are you now calm? No, of course not! No one responds to the phrase "Calm down" by relaxing. Rather it tends to raise tensions instead. Personally I've been in situations where from my vantage point I was perfectly calm and composed, only to be told to "calm down" and then start to feel my blood pressure rise. Why though? It's because when you're told to calm down, what you really hear is this:

Stop bothering me. You are being overly emotional about this thing that doesn't matter. You are irrational, angry over nothing and annoying. Shut up.

Yeah, the person saying "calm down" probably isn't consciously thinking all of this, but that is really what they want, isn't it? To be left alone. And if you're the one being told to calm down, it completely invalidates your feelings and trivializes your problem.

We can also see that it is not just individuals who do this. Institutions call for calm when the status quo is challenged. What they mean is "Stop challenging us in any meaningful way and go home."

And yet, as much as everyone hates being told to calm down, we find ourselves using this phrase. It is usually coming from a place that's trying to be polite, but we know that it doesn't work. What can we say instead? It depends on what you want. Here are some options:

Stop screaming at me.

Is this what you actually want? Maybe the other person has a legitimate reason to be upset, maybe not, either way that doesn't give them the right to scream at you. So be straightforward and say the yelling needs to end before you can move forward. This line may particularly be needed in a customer service situation. "Sir, I can help you, but I need you to stop screaming at me first."

Go to your room

This is one for parents. Sometimes kids get worked up about something and you canot reason with them. They need a bit of distance from whatever is stressing them. This is not a time out, after a few minutes of stomping around your kid can come out when they are ready.

You seem really upset by this, why is it bothering you so much?

A person can seem irrationally, overly distressed about something minor. However, that may only be because you don't understand why they are upset. You see a crack in an ugly tchotchke, they see a cherished heirloom destroyed. Or it maybe that a minor inconvenience was the straw that broke the camel's back, but all you saw was the minor part.

Fuck off

Sure, that does not seem very nice, but hear me out. I would say being told to calm down gets under my skin far more than being told to fuck off. You know why? Because fuck off is honest. Calm down is weasel words. It is a phrase that pretends to be caring about your well being while belittling your problem. Telling someone their emotions are wrong is borderline gaslighting. Rather, if someone is getting on your nerves and you want to get rid of them, be straight, tell them to fuck off.

Additionally if someone tells you to calm down, resist the urge to use the go to response, "Don't tell me to calm down!" which only makes you seem even less in control of your emotions. Tell them to fuck off, which is much more satisfying.