Bullying & Anxiety

hi,

I’m Cristina. Growing up, I was bullied constantly because of my looks, i was always this shy and quiet type of girl. I had no friends, and no one wanted to sit with me because I didn’t “look like them.” Every time I would get bullied, I would stay quiet. It was this fear of getting bullied again. I started to isolate myself, look in the mirror every morning and tell myself that I am not good enough.

To me, waking up every morning and telling myself that I’m not good enough, was a way to hide in my tears, and be able to go to school strong. What I didn’t realize, was that I wasn’t being healthy, instead I was hurting myself with those comments. I was making myself feel worse about myself.

When I moved to junior high, i was able to move a little past that experience. I tried to hide all that, thinking it would benefit me in school and outside in the world, but I didn’t. Hiding my experiences, my trauma, I lacked a lot of confidence, I was very vulnerable, and i started developing social anxiety. I didn’t want to talk and i was always chewing my hair, as a coping skill.

My next school was difficult, my classmates still were picking on me, but during the months being there, i was able to make a friend. I started to trust a few people into my life. I still had social anxiety, my legs were shaky, but it wasn’t as bad, and i started to get good grades. The bullying had stopped, just for three months. Then, they started picking on my new friend. We both were affected by their comments and harassment.

So, when junior high was over, we went to high school. My friend’s mom decided to enroll both of us to a raffle Public school. They raffled our names and we were chosen to be in the school. We decided to go and my friend joined cheer leading. When she joined cheer leading, she began to talk bad about me. She always wanted to “fit in” but she went too far.

A few months Into the school year, I found out, that she was talking bad about me, i found out all the bad things she had thought about me. I confronted her and told her that I didn’t want to be friends with someone who constantly puts me and other people down. She had always been putting negativity in my head. I was already in a bad state, and she knew that, but still would constantly put negative thoughts in my head that weren’t honest.

I finally decided to end ties with this friend, but she got mad and started to threaten me. One day, as I went to the restroom, she followed me and grabbed my Arm. She told me to listen to her. I was scared, I didn’t know what to do. Another cheerleader came in and saw the incident, and she asked if we needed to talk to the councilor, and I told her yes. When she called the councilor, I explained what had been going on, the councilor told her to stop putting negative things in my head, and to stop lying.

My so called “friend” told her that everything she told me wasn’t lies and that everyone hated me. This mad my self esteem go even lower, and I started to feel resentment against my school. My depression got worse and I felt worthless. When school ended, we went on summer break, I was moving schools, to get away from her. My parents saw that she was toxic and so was her mom. My parents decided to take me out of school, and place me in another school.

When I moved schools, I told my “friend” that I thought it would be best to keep our distance, but she kept threatening me and calling me names. The whole summer, I was thinking of one word she would call me everyday “fat”, then another word would pop up in my head “ugly.” I developed an eating disorder and major depression. When I moved schools, my anxiety got worse, and I was diagnosed with major anxiety.

Because of this diagnosis, I was treated totally different. My new school was a bit better until I started dating someone who was a liar, cheater, and who would constantly control me. I was bullied again by him and his friends. When I broke up with him because of how he would be controlling, he called me a slut, and his friends would call me the same thing. I lost my new friends there too and was very devestated. I started to cut myself, and one day, I had enough, I went close to a bridge after school and was planning to jump off. I didn’t think of anyone because I felt like I was alone.

I was admitted into a hospital for suicide attempt. I was very angry, because I didn’t commit my suicide. I faked that I was feeling better, and when I got out, I would try to commit suicide again. Finally, I moved schools away from him and his friend again, but I had to leave my best friend from this day remains my best friend that I made while at my worse time, and go to another school.

I was happy, but I won’t deny that I was also sad. But, me and my best friend remained best friends and I began to feel good again. I didn’t feel suicidal, I didn’t want to self harm anymore. One day, I was on Instagram, and my ex’s other best friends who attended my school, saw my post of me saying goodbye, and told me that I am faking my depression just because I was smiling in my other pictures.

The reason why I was smiling in my other pictures was because at the time, I was barely starting my career as an independent singer-songwriter. I had some followers that I were small and I didn’t want to show them the side of me that i know would trigger others. I would post fake pictures of me smiling, pretending like everything was ok, and that I was ok. In reality, I wasn’t ok. My ex’s friends started stalking me and threatening to hurt me because of this. They said that I didn’t “appreciate the love they were giving me.” I didn’t understand. I was this naive girl, who was constantly being bullied at school, who was shy as well, and who was diagnosed with so many disorders. I didn’t know those boys well.

I was tired of the threatening and harassment. I finally had the courage to tell my principal with evidence and he did nothing because he said that “he couldn’t do anything about it.” I was very upset and felt unheard. Throughout my years of being there, I just kept quiet, even after they had one of their friends pretend to be nice to me and take me out to in and out. When she took me to in and out, I was very opened to her, and told her the reasons why I wouldn’t be eating my food. I told her that I had an eating disorder. When I told her that, she laughed, and told me that if I don’t eat my food, that she would hurt me. Which I understand, she probably wanted to help me, but now I also understand that it’s not ok for her to do/say those things. I was afraid, so I ate my food, I was also afraid because she was my ride home, my phone battery was at 1% and I was this quiet, shy girl who didn’t know how to stand up for herself.

When I went home, I cried for hours in my room. I didn’t want to get out. I started to cut my arms again, after it’s been months since I’ve been clean from cutting. My anxiety was worse, i would shake but shake even worse, I would faint, I would be afraid of going to places that had a lot of people, my stomach would hurt, and everywhere I would go, I would cry and have a panic attack.Now that I am 18, a senior in high school, am getting therapy treatment, I am able to not care what others have to say or think about me, i still struggle with anxiety and depression, but it isn’t as bad as it was back then. If you or anyone you know is struggling with anxiety, or depression, please seek help, and don’t be afraid to. I was once in that place, and I would always tell people I didn’t need help, but once I got treatment, I was able to heal from my past and able to enjoy life.