Broken and Rebuilt

It didn't start out the way it ended, in the beginning it was a good relationship but slowly things went south over the course of years. In 2014 is when it began to fall apart. Our workplace shut down for a remodel so we were relocated to another store an hour and half away. We worked the same shift, so it was easier on the both of us. This is when it became apparent I wasn't as important as I thought. While he ate out at restaurants with his crew, I wasn't eating or if I did it was the cheapest I could get. I would dig for change in the car sometimes just to get something to make it through the day.

He never offered or asked if I needed money for lunch. He didn't offer to take me to a restaurant or even try to have lunch with me even though we had the same shift. It didn't stop there though at home it was always what he wanted to do, what he wanted to watch or listen too. Only times I got any chance of watching what I liked was when he wasn't there, it was on phone or laptop. When friends would come over for a party he would give a certain look if my quirky personality came out. He didn't like my weird personality especially around others. I would apologize for me being me.

I would shut down and be quiet the rest of the party becoming the wall flower. I couldn't talk to any of our male friends or acquaintances because he would get jealous. It didn't matter if I spoke with them for a few seconds or minutes or if we both had known them for a long time. He didn't like them talking to me at all. It was around the time my father and grand father passed when I reconnected with my childhood friend. He had even gotten extremely jealous over him even though he lived three hours away. Even going so far as to refuse to come to my grandfather's funeral and carry the casket. I had to get another friend of ours to stand in his place.

The jealousy got so bad he demanded I stop talking to him. He went so far as to punish me, which I found out much later was considered marital rape. November of that same year he died in a motorcycle accident and the only thing he said was he was glad he was gone.He started staying at his mother's but at the time his father was dying of cancer. So at the time I didn't think much of it, you know family matters. He would come by and visit every so often to see my eldest daughter and our daughter. Around that time we found out we were pregnant with our second daughter.

His father passed at the end of November. All the while, he was at his mother's he had been going to the bar to hang out with a "friend" I'm sure if anything happened between them, but he sure was defensive over it and had kept it a secret for at least a month. He remained at his mother's and came by here and there or when I had to go to the doctor. It wasn't long before we found out our little girl I was carrying was diagnosed with down syndrome. As the pregnancy progressed he slowly started to disappear from the scene. When it was time for her to come he was there but disappeared shortly after she was born. It was then when I was alone in the hospital room, the pediatrician came and told me she needed to go to the Woman's Hospital of Texas.

By then my mother and daughter's had shown up to see her before they took her by helicopter to Houston. Once I was alone again, I cried and cried because I couldn't go with her I was stuck in the hospital. I felt like a terrible mother for having her a little early. I felt so alone in that big room with no one there with me. He didn't even call to check on me. The next day I was released late in the afternoon with him picking me up and bringing me home before he went back to his mother's.

I finally got to my little girl the next day when he came and got me. We took the hour and half trip to the hospital neither of us saying much. We only stayed for thirty minutes or so before he decided it was time to leave. Sadly I can only count on one hand the times he took me to Houston to see her. I had to rely on family, friends, and the travel services through Medicaid to go see her. I was broken. I was depressed. I felt like I had no one to turn too or so that's how I felt at the time.

By the time she was released from the hospital it had been two months. He came with me because we had to room in to make sure we could handle having her home with a heart monitor. That night I was the only one up with her by the morning I was a frazzled mess. After getting her home he only stayed here to help twice before he disappeared again. When it came to her appointments to specialists he showed up a couple of times. The rest of it was on me with two other children at home. Luckily my mother and grandmother was helping me with them.

All the work that had to be done at home was on me and only me. My mother being disabled and my grandmother being up in her years really put a damper on having help. Finally in 2017 after my cat had passed away because of his stand up window unit and the cold reply I got from him over it. Something in me snapped and I was just done. He wasn't here and when he was he really wasn't a help more a hindrance.

By August of 2018 we were separated and I was back to work even though it was cut short by family medical issues. Little one was receiving SSI for her downs and this was when he began asking for money even though he made double what I made. Soon the Attorney General got involved and with many conferences that he didn't show up too. He decided it was a good idea to help by telling me to ask a male friend of ours if he wanted to rent our trailer since he wasn't there and I was staying at my grandmother's to help her. I asked him twice if he was sure about letting him move in there.

He said yes he was fine with it. About a month later I get a call from him saying that I was sleeping with him. I was beyond furious. I was beyond insulted. I felt so much disrespect from him when it was his idea in the first place. He calls back a few days later says he wants to work things out with me. The entire time I have been going back and forth with dates even with him being served. I told him okay go ahead and fix us. I have tried and bent over backwards for you even going so far as to remodel our house alone and it wasn't good enough for you.

I gave him three months to do something, anything. He didn't call unless he wanted money. He didn't come by for a visit. He showed up to my eldest daughter's birthday but didn't even bother to show up to either of his biological daughter's birthdays. This he was using to show that he "came to see his kids" even though he hardly did. He was delusional telling everyone that asked that everything was fine. This wasn't the truth and once the truth came he was trying anything and everything to fake through it.

Then I found out about his gabbling habits from friends where I once worked along with him. It got even worse from there after it came to light in the local newspaper that his brother was arrested for child exploitation, possession of a controlled substance, manufacturing and intent to sell. He was charged with possession of a controlled substance. None of which I knew about even though I had confronted him on the matter many times in the past. My fears had been confirmed that he had slipped back into his old habits.

I was shocked to say the least but what came next surprised me even more. The Attorney General contacted me and told me to stay away from him for obvious reasons. They even went so far as to block my phone so he couldn't call me. They did this for the safety of the girls which I'm thankful for.

Now my journey has begun to heal the wounds he created. With the help of a little counseling, my supportive family, my friends that I have finally reached out too and of course the one person that has been here for me, comforted me, supported and has helped break the old habits he had ingrained in me. I'm almost back to who I once was through I don't know if I'll ever fully get there. Maybe with a little more time I will. I have to thank everyone that listened too or has read my story. Maybe it can help someone out there.