Broken

A girl broken girl .

It all happened 6years ago, and I can recall everything that happened on that fateful day.

Growing up, I never felt loved . I didn’t really experience what love felt like.

Didn’t have friends or family to talk to or call , I didn’t even know who my real parents were. I grew up in a foster home and which I didn’t like and I had to stay there till I was old enough to take care of myself . I left my foster home at age 16 , life became tougher .life wasn’t easy for me and I just wanted to die .

I kept on asking myself and blaming myself for my existence, I hated my self. my parents dumped me for no reason ,didn’t get a parent love or care they didn’t even hear my first word or see my first walk.

Who am I? Is the question.

Why did they bring me into this world if they weren’t ready or am I a curse or an evil child.

Life has been so hard on me , I couldn’t get a proper job or afford a good meal .

On a Tuesday afternoon 2:16pm , I was walking down the street , wondering hopelessly looking for a job and then I saw a man smiling at me and also waving

I looked back thinking he was waving at someone else , as i walked a little bit closer and he stood up and ran towards me . Then I realised I was the one but I know I haven’t seen him before and met him .

Then I asked “do I know you?

He stared at me and smile

He said “no , but I would like to know you .

I smiled in return , I looked so weird wearing a jean and a hoodie.

One could easily tell I was homeless. I sat with him and we talked , laughed and even picked a meeting spot . Yes I don’t have a phone remember, i just got out of my poster home. For several weeks we kept on meeting , have lunch together and we part ways.

He didn’t really say much about himself self or i didn’t really bother to ask, i was just lost in having someone who talks to me and buys me lunch and made me laugh . But he seemed very nice and well educated and has everything going well for me , but what do I possibly need to know about him .

A day i will never for get in my entire life , 18th of July a day never to be forgotten.

At about 8pm , as promised we were to meet and our favourite spot . I got there on time and he was there looking nice and everything .

We took a walk and we had a blast . As I was about to say my good byes, he held my hand told me to follow him to his car and he wanted to show me his favourite spot.

Of course I agree, never been in a fancy looking car before , I got inside the car and we drove off .

He told me he wanted to pick up something from his apartment. So we stopped by his apartment.

The view from outside was so beautiful and I wondered if he stayed alone .

So he asked me if I wanted to take look at his apartment .

I said ‘ sure!

We got to his apartment and it was heavenly. I took a tour around his apartment, every was shinning and had a bachelor feel.

We sat , he brought me a glass of wine and I couldn’t resist it.

After a while , I felt dizzy and I looked down at the glass of wine and I felt maybe I was sleepy because I haven’t had a better place to sleep.

And then black out.

I woke up on his bed looking all confused and wondering what happened, then I turned and saw him but naked on the bed .

I took at the duvet cover and looked down and I couldn’t find my pant and my dress. There I was panicking and stood up and looked for his bathroom.

I was covered with blood stain and there and then I lost my virginity to a man who wasn’t my boyfriend and someone we never spoke about having a relationship and someone I don’t really know .

I screamed out loud , the birds could hear me scream.

He ran towards me and knelt down on the floor were I was crying .

Why did you do this to me ? Why? What did I ever do to you ? Why me?

He said “ I thought you wanted it , I mean you followed home, we laugh and drank. You wanted it.

I was lost . Tears rolling down and got up and walk towards my dress .

I got dressed and I ran out of his apartment and didn’t look back .

I didn’t know where i was headed but I just wanted to leave that premises .

I walked and was looking lost , people staring at me like I had gone mad. I wasn’t wanted to end myself . I didn’t know where I was going , i just kept on going straight .

I stopped at an unknown place , threw myself on the ground and started crying . I have been through a lot in one day . for all my life thinking I had found a saving grace , I didn’t even know it was going to be a sad one.

People walked by , some laughed at me , some threw money at me like I was some sort of beggar . Why did I come into this life full of pain and sorrow .

I got up .

I walked into a bar and sat there for almost an hour . People stared at me and walked past , wondering who this little lost girl was . I asked the barman to give a drink.

I was drunk and lost .

Someone came to me and said he would want to me for the night .

I didn’t resist .

I was paid hundred dollars for the night. At least I could get me a good meal.

I became a sex and drug addicts. Now I do that to survive with no hope of things getting any better.

I mean , what is there to experience. I was dumped by my parent , stayed in a foster home, didn’t go to school, couldn’t get a job and to think I met a friend but he took advantage of me ,

What more is there for me . I am a nobody , even if I die no one would look for me .

I did all I could to survive . Took drugs and a sex addict.

Months past and I totally lost myself and I knew there was no going back . I was do addicted that i couldn’t stay a day without getting high and getting my pants down.

I did this for 9 months and I was tired of everything I wanted to die . I tried so many method, over dosed myself ,I still survived , stole from stores and would get beaten and locked up .

Then I saw the devil , he waved at me like the fist time I met him . I turned back then I was a lady waving back at him with a child . I stood there as I saw them hugging and kissing eachother , they both walked to his car and drove off ..

He was married with a child.

He had everything all planned out . I was just a game.

On this day , I already planned I was going to kill myself. I had everything planned out.

I went to a pharmacy and got me couple of drugs . I went to a near by shop and sat there for a while , I watched people laugh and smile , tease eachother, eat and I was lost in thought.

I stood up and walked to a near by playground . I pulled out the drugs and a bottle of water and I put them all in my mouth.

I fell on the ground and noticed people screaming for help .

All I could hear was fainted voices.

I woke up , in the hospital. I cried and screamed

‘saved me ? I wanted to die , i don’t belong here .

Let me die ..

why did they save me , why?

I am tired

Then a nurse came to me and said

I did

You are too young to want end your life .

Why did you want to end your life , where are your family . Is there anyone I can contact?

I looked at her and tears rolled down my eyes

I said ‘ i am alone in this world .

The I went into coma for weeks

I woke and was moved to a rehabilitation centre where I was going to get better.

Spent 8 months in the rehabilitation centre and came out sober . I tried to start my life all over again. I got a job with a good pay and I started to leave happily but my hatred for men free day by day.

But I have found peace within myself.