BPD: Impressionable or Motivated?
Are our minds impressionable or are we motivated?
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder can be hard, especially when I tend to be really venerable to what others think and say. Maybe it is simply the fact that with BPD, I think others are more worthy than me, therefore, there word means more than my own.
I used to do this thing when I was younger...if there was someone that I noticed a lot of people liked or admired, I wanted to be like that person. Which means, I needed to be that persons friend, to get to know them. Not only would I want to be their friend, I would want more than that. I thought...that if I slept with this person, that would mean I won. I got somebody super popular, somebody super poplar wanted me. It made me feel so wanted, in a way that I thought I wanted to be wanted. Obviously, sleeping with someone did not mean they loved me or even liked me. It means, I was attractive and they wanted to have sex with me. If only I knew this when I was younger...but someone close to me literally only brought this to my attention a few days ago, and it got me thinking.
If nobody liked me for me, and they only liked me for who they thought I was acting like, which honestly, in our case, people with BPD I mean, could be a different person every week...they did not like me for ME. Who was I?
It wasn't even just that I would get close to people I wanted to be like, I thought that by taking on these personality traits that others liked, it would genuinely work and make me likeable. However...years later, and I still wasn't liked, because I was not acting like me. I forgot to act like me, and I had to make a list of consistencies in my life and personality to even figure myself out.
My point is, all those years of acting like other people, it did change me, but did it make me a better person? Did it make me likeable? What even is likeable? I decided that being likeable didn't matter...if I didn't like myself. I would just keep wanting to change, keep wanting to be like other people.
Then one day...I stopped seeing people I wanted to be like. I realized that I no longer wanted to be like these people in my life, and 2020 helped push that situation because I was already around less people and It gave me a reason to avoid people and be...myself.
I wanted to write this blog because I was watching this silly Hallmark movie on TV and it was about journalists and bloggers, and it reminded me that I do in fact have a blog. It also reminded me...that I enjoy writing. Which made me think, am I only wanting to write this blog because I am seeing a movie about it? Am I only wanting to write because I see others that are good at it and getting paid for it, and that motivated me enough to open my laptop and start writing? Is it motivation or that impressionable side of me? Do I really want to write a blog or do I only want to do it because I get easily sucked into movies and TV show characters and want to be more like them?
That one single paragraph of course, happened in my mind in seconds. I wondered if this was my BPD again, because I ALWAYS get obsessed with celebrities because they are easily likable. But that is the act they put on...they are ACTORS. In any movie they play, they need to act like they are having the time of their lives at this job. That this job is perfect and oh my goodness it is just their favorite thing in the world. Next thing we know, we are in college for that same job in real life because of an actor. Not saying that is what I did, but, TV did make Criminal Justice sound awesome and now I am getting a BA Degree in it and don't think I'll have the stomach to actually use it.
It is just television. They are just celebrities. So, is it okay to want to be like them? Are they motivating small town people like us to do better and be better? Is it motivation? Or again, am I simply being mesmerized by this fake life they are portraying for me?
Is it my illness, that will forever define my life for me based on what I see on TV? Because...I will never have that Hallmark life. It's silly. I am more of a soap opera anyway.
Is it the worst thing, though? To want to dream? To be better than I am? To have multiple aspirations at once? Life is not a video game, nor is it a movie, or a TV series...we can live it anyway we want. Who is to say we can not live like a celebrity? Just....a celebrity that nobody knows, and doesn't get stalked with cameras. Be your own celebrity.
I love writing...just me. Always have, it has been a consistent in my life since I was younger. The movie made me wonder what it would be like to be a famous writer, a famous blogger, a novelist...but those can be real dreams and they can be aspirations too.
I decided not to care where I got my motivation from. I am going to take it and concur it, and make it my own.