3:07 and I can't sleep. Once again, it's because I am now so aware of when I am avoiding something and my spirit does not rest until I deal with it. In this case, it's because I've been avoiding writing about this topic, but here goes nothing—no class tomorrow anyway, so I can sleep in.
If you knew me growing up, you know how athletic I was. I swam, played field hockey, indoor hockey, basketball and tennis. I was only ever really good at swimming, though, but I loved being a part of a team. And all these activities gave me the freedom to eat whatever I wanted.
Fast forward to my gap year right after high school. I came out here to the United States to stay with my brother and his family for about 7 months. I was still eating the way I had always eaten, however my life was now missing the two hour daily training sessions so I started to grow... horizontally. But I was OK with it.
Freshman year I gained about 30lbs/ 13.6kg, but I didn't think it was so bad because I am tall, so it takes a lot of weight to make me look really really big. However when I went home in December 2015, the comments from people at home started to get to me. So, I dedicated 2016 to losing this weight... and I did! When I came back to school in fall 2016, some people couldn't recognize me! However I still felt like I had more to lose, so I did. By April 2017 I was smaller than I was in high school, but the thing is, I was starting to slip into my depression even then, so I still felt "fat" and "ugly" (which is so ridiculous to me now).
Anyway, this will be new information for most people, even those I am close to, but I started going without food. I was just so unhappy and I thought, "If I get skinny, I'll finally be OK" (I know you are finding this crazy, but that's how I honestly felt). So, yeah...I would lie to my friends that I'd eaten, I would take my shirt off and look at myself in the mirror when I felt hungry—the "flab" was so gross, looking at it made the hunger disappear.
Here come the water works...
Anyway, I got an amazing opportunity to intern in Ohio during the summer, and I got so busy that exercise was the last thing I wanted to do, and I've always been a stress eater so the weight started to come back. Now, this was when the depression was getting to its worst, so the combination of all these things that were going on in my life led me to taking a semester off school and all that jazz.
So where am I today when it comes to my body image? I am not where I want to be, but (excuse my language)... I FEEL LIKE A DAMN SUPERMODEL, BABY! Please don't hate me for sounding conceited, but when I say this is the first time I have ever felt this way about myself, you might understand why this is a big deal.
I was on a call with a friend yesterday and I was walking back to my room from a class that had been cancelled. It was so quiet, no one around, and going into my dorm I always catch my reflection in the mirror but I usually avoid looking because I usually look and think, "You look like such a potato, Yedzi." Anyway, I did, and I literally said out loud, "OOOO DAMN!" My friend who was on the phone even asked what I was reacting to and I told him; we laughed about it.
I have so many people to who've helped me get to this point. To list them would make my fingers cramp up, but I'm so comfortable in my own stretch-marked, acne-ridden skin. It's such an amazing feeling and I just want everyone to feel this way.
I am still going to the gym, but I'm taking it easy because I honestly don't want to lose all these curves, if you know what I'm saying. I'm just trying to maintain a healthy BMI, eat healthy, and train for my first triathlon which will happen this spring. If weight loss comes with this it will be welcome, but that's not the goal right now.
I haven't known the taste of this kind of love before. It's definitely a God thing. I'm a mess, I feel like a potato on most days however this potato loves herself so much and this potato loves you!