Bipolar disorder is a Mother F’er

looks are deceiving I have known this for year's now. Growing up I always knew there was something different about me. I would have moments I felt like I had won the lottery, then I would wake up and feel like my best friend had died. My moods were always all over the place and so was I. The thing about it the only person who could tell was me... So I thought.

In 2013 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I wasn't surprised.

My mother and grandfather both suffered from bipolar disorder. Let's just say the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. Dating was always the worst. I would jump from one guy to the next without a second thought. I couldn't call it, until one day I met my other half. I slowly guided him through it dated and in 2015 we had our daughter. Before I had my daughter during my pregnancy besides my hormones, manic episodes happened a lot more often than I wanted to admit. Now in 2020 and a mother of three, I had created a personal system. In this system/ routine I was able to maintain my moods and not let my mental health effect my children. Planners, writing and consistent activities. I was tired but it worked and kept everything safe.

Then Covid19 started, once Covid19 started everything I had organized to keep me sane I lost it and I felt insane. As most mothers know children develop well with a strong routine and loving direction. Unfortunately, the routine was lost... how did I lose it?

Being a strong empath, every emotion that Covid placed on the family I felt. My children, spouse, family, and social media started to affect me. Not to mention for 6months I was working from home. I'm an educator so I was now teaching all of my students through zoom. At this time my daughter hadn't started virtual learning yet. Can you imagine 6 months home with three toddlers, virtual teaching, Covid, and being Bipolar?

Then one July morning I woke up and I couldn't stop crying. My children tried to console me. Mommy we love you, are you ok?

Are you hungry, are you hurt mommy?

What's wrong, mommy who did it?

My babies had never seen me so distraught.

My emotions were all over the place. I felt panicked, nervous, scared, depressed and completely angry. I had called my husband letting him know how mentally this was one of the worst days I had ever had. Despite all of this I was worried about my children. This day I didn't want to do anything. Things that greatly affect my children like, cook, clean, care, and even worse I just didn't even want to exist. I went outside on our terrace sat on the floor called my aunt and prayed. I had also called my best friend together, we looked for a psychologist. After speaking to the psychologist, we were able to create new ways of thinking, ways to navigate depressive behavior, and how to keep my children safe in the process. I'm also on a new mood stabilizer. Honestly, at first, I was very scared of taking medicine. In a normal state I'm very positive, laidback, and adventurous.

My children wake up asking what are we doing today or where are we going?

If I took a mood stabilizer would this change that? Did all of the fun and adventures come from me being unstable?

This was a question that I asked myself and my psychologist. From 2015 to July 14, 2020, I hadn't been on medication and have been able, to raise three beautiful toddlers. But how?

Maybe I was so unstable it went with the flow of my children...

Maybe because children feed off of the energy we give. Me always being manic and not depressed, they survived off of love and insane ways of living. Maybe this is the reason why every day is an adventure because they don't know what the fuck mom is going to do next? Lol

Random trips to target, shopping binges, always on the go, consistent projects, random dance parties while cleaning, and the best naps ever from being up so early?

So now if I take this medication what will their new normal be?

I'm supposed to start my new meds next week. I to want to create a journal to write down mental changes. Changes that My husband and I may notice.The worst that can happen is that I no longer become depressed and I can get full rest so I can continue to be strong for them.

Please keep me in your prayers and wish me luck

Because being Bipolar who I am but being a Mother is what I want to stay.