Between Two Worlds

As I am writing this article, I am in the process of moving to a new house. People say that it is one of the most stressful things you can do, and I think I would agree with this. Yes, the logistics and effort required are draining. But more than this, I am grappling with this notion of being between places.

I know that I’m moving away from this one. Most of our possessions are packed in the garage. Unwanted items are being given away. Strangers are coming in getting the place ready for sale, and a sale sign is out the front. So psychologically and to an extent physically I’ve started the move away from this place. But right now, I don’t know where I’m going. I have a bit of a vague idea of what I’m looking for, but I don’t exactly where I will be living. It is this uncertainty and the unknown that I am finding particularly challenging.

This morning, it struck me – this is exactly what I was feeling the initial stage of my healing from addiction. While the recovery from addiction is so much more traumatic, the situations evoke similar emotions. For when you start on the healing journey from addiction, you are then between places. You’ve decided to give up your substance or your activity or to deal with it somehow. In this way, you have moved away from a psychological and emotional place you have been for months or years. But you haven’t arrived at the new place, the destination. You haven’t arrived at the end, which is ultimately living your best and fullest and freest and most authentic life. In a way, you are stuck somewhere between where you were and where you want to be. It is like you are straddling addiction and thriving – existing fully in neither place.

When I finally decided in my heart and mind to care for myself, I knew I was not an addict. I knew what I was doing, and the person I had become was not the real me. However, I did not know who the real me was yet, and I had no idea what the future might hold. All I knew was that I was changing and that I was in the process of transformation. I was between worlds.

At its most uncomfortable, the transformation process feels lonely, uncertain, unclear, confusing and often overwhelming. There seems like so much I should be doing to move towards my future state. On the flip side, there is excitement, a hint of freedom, and a sense of personal responsibility and challenge for creating my own life. This life is true to me. In the case of your healing journey, you may never have had the chance to live your fullest and freest life before. In this way, you too are headed somewhere unknown. Yet, this journey you are on, despite all its discomfort is very, very exciting!

The Most Important Thing – Learning

In this middle state, the most important thing is learning. Think back to when you last learnt something new. It could be an instrument, a computer system or a sport. The things that springs to mind for me is learning to drive. I can’t imagine how traumatic it would have been for my parents, teaching me how to drive. I was so scared and clumsy. There were so many gadgets and buttons, and I found the whole experience overwhelming. And yet here I am years later driving across the country on autopilot. Through action, practice, review and adjustment, I have become a confident driver. I now have a world of great freedom and adventures ahead of me.

It is the same for your healing journey. It is a process of learning, of taking action, practising, reviewing and adjusting every day. Because in reality, you are creating a new life, with new habits. You are learning how to be yourself with courage and confidence and joy. In this way, the healing journey is very much a transformation from the person you were in addiction, to the person you were always meant to be.

Transformation Is All Around Us

Nature provides beautiful examples of the transformation process that you are now going through. The Lotus grows out of the mud and ends up blooming into a beautiful flower, sharing its colour with all of us. Similarly, a caterpillar goes into a cocoon, undergoes a transformation and exits the process as a beautiful butterfly. I guess the difference with us is that we don’t know what our flower will look like. Years of trauma and pain have stripped us of memories of what we are capable of and have taken away faith and confidence in ourselves. We may be extremely lost and can’t even begin to imagine a life without addiction. I often thought early in my healing journey that I wish I had a pill that I could take that would show me what I was working towards. If I could see what my life would be like when I was living true to my spirit, this would help keep me motivated and remove the fear and uncertainty holding me back.

You Can’t Delegate Your Transformation

I can understand why some people resort to psychics, horoscopes or even social media to quell their uncertainty. It is nice to think that we can delegate responsibility for creating our best lives to someone else, or use what other people are doing as a template for our success. But creating your best life is your responsibility alone. Only you can define what is meaningful for you, and only you know when you are true to your spirit. Transforming from a life of addiction to a thriving life is also a transition from being a victim to being the creator of your own life.

While there is no magic pill, we have two amazing assets that can help us deliver a picture of our future. These are our hearts and our minds. You can listen to your heart and hear what it desires. And then you can use your imagination to bring that outcome to life. There is a beautiful meditation by Alan B. Wallace on loving-kindness that I have adapted for this purpose. You can listen to this on my podcast here or view the video version on YouTube here.

Your Vision Will Evolve

It’s important to note that what you envisage as your future life is very much bounded by only what you know now. It is a best guess based upon the confidence and connection you have with your spirit right now. As you develop and learn more about yourself, the vision will evolve and expand. As we open ourselves up and allow ourselves to share with the world, the world will start asking more of us. As we become more capable and confident, we will be called to bigger and better things.

Transformation Is Action

Transformation is not a passive exercise. There is so much action occurring to allow the Lotus to bloom and change the caterpillar into a butterfly. Like the transformation journeys we see in nature, you have to take action once you have the vision in mind. You must take one step followed by the next step, and then another step. The process of transformation is a series of small steps taken consistently over time. But what if you don’t know what the next step should be? There is no detailed guidebook for your healing journey. So, when all else fails, you have to do the next right thing, and then the next right thing after that. You can use the elements of the Addiction Healing Pathway to guide your thinking:

• What is the next right thing to do for my physical wellbeing and energy?
• What is the next right thing to do to care for my thoughts and beliefs?
• What is the next right thing to do to care for my emotions?
• What is the next right thing to show compassion for myself and those around me?
• What is the next right thing to do to help me listen and be true to my spirit?

Are We There Yet?

One of the most frequent questions I get asked is

“How do I know I am doing the right things?”

Unlike the Lotus or the Butterfly, in many ways, our healing journey and living a true and full life is for us a life-time journey. We don’t wake up one day and suddenly bloom. We don’t wake up one day and fly off with a new set of sparkly wings. Our transformation is a commitment we make each day backed up by consistent and dedicated action. However, we all want tangible signs that we are on the right track. We all need feedback to provide reassurance that we are moving forward.

Dr James Hollis suggests that when you’re stuck between worlds, there are two clear signs that you’re on the right path:

• Your energy – take some time to check in with your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual energy. Are your energy levels in these areas improving? Does it feel like you’re getting stronger physically each day? Does it feel like with each week that passes your thoughts are becoming clearer? Do you feel like you are getting better at managing distressing emotions? Do you feel like you are becoming braver at showing your true self? If the amount and quality of your energy is improving over time, then it is a good indicator that the actions you’re taking are doing their job.
• Your emotions – check-in and see whether you’re still dwelling predominantly in the force emotions of fear shame, guilt, anger and pride. Or are you starting to see some shift towards things like awareness acceptance courage? Gauge how much of your time is being spent in those emotions that hold you down and keep you stuck versus the amount of time you spend in those emotions that lift you, that keep you moving forward and that allow you to be your best self.

There is one other thing that I’d add to Dr Hollis’s criteria for how you know that you’re taking the next right steps. This is

• Your environment – especially the people that you have around you. Compared to when you started your healing journey, how has the mix of people on your bus changed? Are you still surrounded by negative people who tend to bring you down emotionally and mentally? Or are you starting to change the mix of people on the bus? Are you getting more people on the bus that support you, nurture you, challenge you and push you to be the best you can be? Do you have the right role models and advisers around you to inspire and guide you?

The process of transitioning from one place to another is messy, unclear, and it gets stressful. But along with the uncertainty comes the excitement for a new home, a new life.