Because Rock Bottom has a basement

Imagine, for a moment, that you've never really felt comfortable with who you are. It could be because you feel like you've failed at everything you've tried, or because you were never satisfied with the level of success you did achieve. It could be because you've had thoughts and emotions that make you feel different from other people, particularly if you feel that you aren't as good or as lovable as others. Or perhaps you were actually told, or shown, that you were no good, worthless, or that you existed just to meet other people’s needs.

Now imagine you find something that for a brief second helps soften the blow of every insecurity you have. Something that for just a second makes you feel none of the pain you’ve been feeling. It gives you a euphoric feeling that everything’s going to be okay. A rush of instant happiness. A short term reward or as I like to call it “The quick fix”.

I never thought I would say the words I am an addict when I did my first line of cocaine. I thought it was all in good fun. I didn’t plan for this. I never thought there would end up a day where I would steal from people I loved, lie about what I was doing, leave my children unattended to, put just one more bump or one more hit above everything.

If you would have told me the first time it was offered to me that I would be 31 living in my parents basement with my 3 kids because I had been arrested and had no one else left who was willing to give me another chance, I honestly would have left the party and went home. If I knew that slowly every single person I knew would cut me out of their lives because I was either high every time they were around or I was lying about things to cover up my addiction I would’ve lived my whole life differently.

In one year I lost everything important in me. Everything that I should have been gripping onto for dear life, I let slip away.

Nobody tells you about the side of recovery when you’re having a bad day and all you want is to get high to stop it. That literally nobody will care anymore what you do because you have literally burnt every bridge to the ground and then blew away the ashes so that all you have left to do is rebuild. You learn what alone is. You Learn who your friends are. You learn that people love a good story but don’t actually give a shit about your truth and how the things they say effect you. You learn that people genuinely suck. You live your life still.... but it’s not your life, it’s a version of your life that you don’t even recognize. Like a new chapter except it’s one of those books you read in the fifth grade where you have to choose your own adventure and every road you take either leads you to another wall or challenge that you don’t know how to face and likely the characters are all actually villains and you have no one but yourself to save you.

No one tells you that you will make your life so complicated that every single day will be hard. You will face a new rumour, look, story or road block every day... that is going to push you to feel like you’re going to relapse or even worse you might relapse and have to try to quit all over again..

It’s not going to be easy. In fact it’s going to be so hard that you’re going feel like you’re being set up for failure; Like no one wants to see you succeed. You’re going to want to get so high that you forget what pain feels like. You’re going to cry. Your body is going to hurt. You’re going to want to die.

But then you’re going I realize that your sobriety starts to feel like a high. That being sober is so refreshing that you feel a new happiness. You’re going to be so happy. Your fights going to be worth it. I mean I don’t feel this feeling yet, but before my last relapse I remember how good it was.

Just hold on. One day at a time. Remember to chase your sobriety like you chased your fix. You always will be an addict and people may always see you that way. But be better; Do it for you... not for them....Be your own hero.... clap for your own damn self.