Bad Depression

Hi. Many unexpected things have happened since my last post. So, want to let you know about it! First.. I got really bad depression again which messed up my boundaries and emotions. So, right now, my emotions seem to have reached a block wall which I think is the wall of depression, with no place else to go. So, my emotions feel stucked there and I feel helpless about it. They have been stuck there for a few days already, which made my depression worse. Imagine having a wall of depression plus these stuck up emotions and being helpless about them like you have no energy to remove them. That's how I feel now. :( They seem to be far beyond my reach now, which just makes it harder for me to grasp and be in control of them. That is probably the reason why on the back of my mind when I was sleeping, I was having these visions that I was lost in a city, not knowing where I was..

I was on a bus that I didn't know where it was going or where I was in the city. I remember that the bus was taking me far north and I was asking people on the bus where we were and where could I take the bus going south. And I think I also ended up paying for the fare of this other passenger too. It was then when I woke up to my present reality. It was a helpless feeling not knowing where you were on the bus and where it was taking me and how to get back to where you know. I think that's also the helpless feeling that I have dealing with my depression and my stuck up emotions. I think it can be hard for others to understand this. I have a friend who couldn't understand why I can't just get out of my depression by like listening to the music, etc. I explained to her it was not something within my control. When I'm depressed, I can't just get myself out of it like there is a switch I can turn on and off. All I can do is just let it be, and yes I can listen to music and do other stuff but those don't make it go away. With my current depression this bad, I think I have to start cooking my herbal medicine again because I have stopped drinking those for a while. I think these herbal medicine can really help with your sleep and depression. I think they are the ones that can relieve this wall of depression because they have done so before miraculously.

My terrible depression started from an interaction with a guy I didn't know on a chat app asking me how I was. I think my mistake was to add him as a friend on this chat app because then I started to chat with him on a personal level which was just too much for me to deal with, adding to it the experience of some really bad interactions I had with another guy before who didn't respect my decision or boundaries. So, I just had my boundaries messed up again with this person and so now I just feel so very depressed which had affected my performance on my new job that I got a warning on the second week of my new job that I have to improve on how fast I process the claims or I could be terminated. I don't really feel anything about being terminated, just that I would lose my income. I think my bad depression has already overtaken my feelings for anything else and it's a struggle to feel fine now. :(