Background of the Madness

Fuck. It deleted. Shall we start again?

Where do you want to start? Just to be clear, are we telling the truth or lies? Are we telling the whole truth or covering some of it with white lies? How much do you want them to know? How much do you want to hide? Well, just remember that no one cares. To be honest, there is no point in doing this. Yes, there is, if there is even a chance you will feel better, then this is worth doing. So Freya, what shit has happened in your pathetic life?

You have suffered with anxiety, depression, social anxiety, and intrusive thoughts for years. Yes there have been times when you have felt better and times when you have completely given up. Overall, you have dealt with it quite well. Yes, sometimes you snap and lash out, but it can be hard to calm yourself and deal with it.

Remember when you used to do those pathetic cuts on your hip? You used to do it where it would be covered by your knickers? That way no one would see it and ask questions. You could release those negative thoughts without needing to explain yourself. You never wanted to hurt anyone else. Mum saw your pain. She knew you were struggling, but you didn't want her to know. In the end, you did tell her and she has helped you so much since then. Your mum is so good to you. I hope you know just how lucky you are to have her!

Then, there was that time you were drunk on new years eve a few years ago. You were very drunk and arguing with your boyfriend at the time. You were very upset and reached into the kitchen draw, taking out the Stanley blade. You cut your arm quite deeply and were lucky you didn't need stitches. You cut your arm at least three times before his cousin came and stopped you. Your boyfriend just laughed. If it wasn't over by then, then it was over when he laughed. His cousin bandaged your arm up and sorted you out.

A few months later, you had been cheating on your boyfriend with his cousin. Everything turned toxic and you were horrible to both of them. You were very drunk at the cousins house and tried drowning yourself in their bath. You tried killing yourself all because he no longer wanted you and had brought his ex back to his life. You were in a really bad place. You felt trapped and that was your whole life. It was hard to get out of it. I'm proud of you for getting out and getting here to where you are, in a much better place.

I guess bullying in school didn't ever help all these negative emotions. This is probably where it all started. Well, it was your fault. You sent that topless photo of yourself to that guy. He was the one who sent it to all the guys in your year. Remember going into biology? You looked around the class after just finding out that it had been spread around. You looked at all of your classmates thinking, "Does she know? Has he seen it? Does he have it on his phone?" You spoke to your "friends" about it just to find out that they had all known for a lot longer than you. Some of the guys had not only known but had seen it, even had it on their phone. Do you remember how sick you felt when they complimented you on it? They were never meant to see it. Sam was the one who actually told you. He has always looked after you, even before you two meant this much to each other.

The bullying and lack of trust at school just led to insecurities and trust issues at college. You were never able to make friends easily because you didn't feel like you were able to trust them. Ah well.

You aren't there anymore. You have moved on. You have made something of yourself. You have a lovely partner, a beautiful bubba, two adorable kittens and a roof over your head. You are doing well, Freya. You have a great support network. You always put yourself down but you don't need to. You are doing an amazing job of looking after bubba.