Are You a Dragon or a Candle?
Fire Up The Corner Where You Are
At least three times a day I have to make a choice about what kind of spark I'm willing to be: Will I be a fire or will I be a candle?
Will I roar and rage? Will I blast and scorch? Behave like a seething Smaug and snarling-ly snort embers and steam?
Or will I take the controlled route? Light a path? Banish the foggy confusion around me? Gentle welcoming light put to good use?
It's not easy to reign in a dragon. You need to be prepared, to know the signs of the dragon’s approach then make the right choice, the choice that diverts destruction and pain. Many times in my life I have not made the right choice and instead of providing illumination to a situation I brought the dragon's flames.
I was not a patient mother. As my frustration and panic at watching my marriage and plans for the future dissolve grew to a fever, my daughters bore the harsh fire of my fear.
Not with golden talons but with flinted words and unpredictable emotions I swept and tore through the house, terrified that disorder and non-perfection would be the straw that broke the tenuous peace in our home.
I taught aloud that they should always do their very best, and then became the judge and jury, deciding where that level fell and holding them accountable to achieve it.
Raised to count to 10 when my exasperation rose, I would make it to three, maybe four on a good day. Then WHOOOOOSH- up in flames. And singeing the spirit of those around me.
What changed?
Well- agreeing not to fight to keep the sputtering heat of the marriage alive was a start. Counseling helped. Low-dose Prozac. (Funny. I still feel the need to describe it as 'low dose'. Like it hardly matters. Trivial. Like I take it just in case it helps. As if there is shame in treating a chemical imbalance. Deliberate distance established.)
Throwing myself into work. Learning to trust again. Re-creating myself.
I didn't learn self-control as a child. I learned to tamp down emotions, but not to manage them. Learned to swallow the anger and fear, not to resolve the issue. Learned that LOUD VOLUME got you heard, and silent watchfulness kept you safe.
These skills do not serve you well in a career. These skills are not those taught in corporate conflict management courses. These tenets are not found in best-selling self-help books. I've self-taught whatever emotional control I may possess as an adult. And I've learned it later in life than I should.
Some skills I've acquired by my old stand-by: watching others. I see them breathe deeply and exhale, then speak in a carefully modulated tone. I've imitated the control other demonstrate, and have learned ways to work through my fires without burning my surroundings. More days than not I am able to light the steady guidance of the candle's light and not provoke the dragon to seething, flames, and smoke.
Daily, I deliberately remember that 'we take the high road'. That I have been here before and I will be here again. That the satisfaction of a biting comment is short-lived and that trust is not easily regained once broken. That my skin in thicker than it seems, and that other people may be fighting their own demons of fear and insecurity.
Peace and warmth come from fire just as can fear and white-hot rage. It's up to me what I will allow to emerge from my spark. It starts with me.
If this warmed you please click on the heart below to let me know.
I have other stories, including a few others with fire:
About the Creator
Judey Kalchik
It's my time to find and use my voice.
Poetry, short stories, memories, and a lot of things I think and wish I'd known a long time ago.
You can also find me on Medium
And please follow me on Threads, too!
Keep reading
More stories from Judey Kalchik and writers in Psyche and other communities.
Hidden Costs and Lasting Shame of Financial Abuse
I’ve always been responsible with my money. I have a job that pays decently, although (like many in our inflated economy) I should definitely be making more for what I do. I regularly check my credit score. I don’t eat out much, nor do I spend frivolously on non-essentials.
By Veronica Wren24 days ago in Psyche
INFP Camil Petrescu's "Patul lui Procust" (Procrustean Bed)
Your reprimands are devoid of utility, like the anger of someone who knocks on the wrong neighbor's door, instead of knocking on the door of the neighbor they're really looking for; and just like it was with the previous letter, and just like it is right about now, they have weakened my will to make the effort of explaining the idea that even attempts at clarification are often fruitless.*
By ANTICHRIST SUPERSTAR5 days ago in Psyche
Comments (6)
This is a very engaging piece 🥰
Yes, what Rachel said below, bottling up everything just awaits the time to spit the dragon fire. I too learned as I went, self-taught a lot. I see your story and raise you a few more. Hearted and felt.
I related so hard to this paragraph: I didn't learn self-control as a child. I learned to tamp down emotions, but not to manage them. Learned to swallow the anger and fear, not to resolve the issue. Learned that LOUD VOLUME got you heard, and silent watchfulness kept you safe.
Loved the elemental approach and the fire in the belly. Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes the universe aligns, and you receive a sign or a confirmation. I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing it. I relate to it so well.
This could have been about me. When I was younger, I raged like a fire a lot; now that I am older and on Abilify, I don't rage so much.