An Open Letter to my Captors

I'm going to start this off by saying that I have no regrets for writing this, nor do I feel sorry for what I'm about to say. I no longer have to apologize to you for being who I am, and I no longer have to be ashamed of what I am.

I was reading my journal from the time I spent with you, and all I felt was anger and heartache for the person I used to be. You put ideas into my head, corrupted me, took everything I had: my personal space, my privacy, my money, and almost my life; then you came to me and asked for more. I thought I was the problem and I tried my best to satisfy your wants and didn't pay much mind to my own. I tried to balance my wants and needs with yours, but it got me nowhere.

You told me almost daily that I was narcissistic and selfish, that I thought only of myself, but it turns out I wasn't thinking of myself enough. If I had, maybe I wouldn't have suffered so much at your hands, and I mean the verbal abuse and the physical assault. I wasn't out of line as you'd like to think, I wasn't irrational as you believe me to have been; I didn't know how else to get through to you that I was hurting and needed to do something about it. I would have walked until my feet were sore and I couldn't take another step, I would have rollerbladed down the highway, I would have done something, just to get away.

The day I left, I was so angry and fed up with everything that I decided it was time to go. I was tired of being misguided, of being manipulated, of being told that no matter what I did I was never good enough. All I have to thank you for is the fear of God within me every time I open my mouth, for the pain I feel when I think of you, for the anger that has no true outlet as of yet, and the death threats against my partner.

I have finally found love and happiness, yet you don't see it that way. Instead, you see a predator who took advantage of your 'little girl', who warped her brain and turned her against you. Well wake up and smell the bull shit, because he has shown me how good it feels to be loved, to be appreciated, and he's done more for me than you will ever know.

I can't call or text you, because I'd be stooping to your level and I've had enough of you in my life. You would turn my own words against me. You want an example of a thought you put in my head? June, I can't remember the date, but the year was 2021, and you had told me to stop talking to the man who I plan to marry.

You told me he was a bad influence, that he was manipulative and wanted nothing more than to get in my pants, as you so eloquently put it. How wrong you were. All you wanted was to keep me under lock and key, to choose my partner for me. I was terrified of making friends because I knew that they would never be good enough for you. Well too bad. I'm awkward and shy, and screw you for trying to tell me that I had to be otherwise in order to have friends that were better than what I had.

I'm an adult, and I was such when I was with you. I am capable of making up my own mind, yet you failed to see me as anything more than a child. "You have the mental age of a teenager, we're only trying to protect you.". Bull shit. Did you ever think that maybe you were the reason why I was "the mental age of a teenager"? I think not, because you were always right, and no one else's opinion or thoughts mattered.

I cannot put into words how badly I want to call you, to scream at you like you used to do to me, but again, I won't. I am nothing like you, and I never will be. You burnt the olive branch I extended, and that was your only chance at redemption. Forgiveness, redemption, resolution, things I will never give you among many more. All that love I had for you, all that sadness I have over past memories of when we acted like we were friends, now gone and never coming back. I cry over the past, but then I remember that it was all temporary; a silence before the storm.

It was raining the day I left, and all you let me wear back to my mother's home was a far too sheer tee shirt, a pair of jeans that were becoming too small, and galoshes with holes in them. I threw those shoes out, but that came after mom and I got new ones in addition to some new clothing. I was cold, but you know what else I was? Free. I was free to do as I chose, and I chose to seek help and run towards those who truly cared about me.

I got a job, a driver's license, a car, professional help, and so much more without your help. It's a shame that you can't see how far I've come, it's a shame that I can no longer call you father, but that's your choice. All you have is your misery, cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol. I wish things were different, but then I remember everything and that longing for something that never was is replaced with rage. I wanted you to be a part of my life after we parted ways, but there is no chance of that happening. If you think otherwise, you've got another thing coming.

It feels so good to be away from you, so good to make my own choices, to spread my metaphorical wings. I feel like I can breathe again, like there's nothing holding me back from being the person I wanted to be but couldn't. I don't feel isolated or cut off from my life anymore, my anxiety and stress have gone down considerably because I'm no longer hounded by your verbal abuse or your high standards.

I can love who I want to, go where I like, do what I feel is right, and so much more, all because I cut the ties that bound me to you. I broke the chains and I cannot put into words how good it felt to break free. It was like taking a leap of faith, falling from an airplane, travelling to outer space at the speed of light, and fighting a bear all at once. I rose victorious, like the phoenix, and shed my old life like a dragon sheds it's skin. I shook off the chains that bound me, removed the gag from my mouth, the cotton from my ears, and the blinders from my eyes. I am finally unchained and unbroken. I am much stronger than you, because instead of becoming you, I finally became me, and that's more than you can say for yourself. I'm not miserable like you, I'm not angry all the time like you, I'm nothing like you.

Now that I have this all written out for the world to see, I'll say goodbye. This is another step in freeing myself from you completely, and as I said at the beginning, I regret nothing.

Fare thee well, this bird has flown.

-Radio