Am I Just Substituting One Addiction for Another?

I started drinking alcohol around 12. Right from the get-go, I drank alcoholically. I couldn’t get enough of that burn in my chest and the magic feeling of being weightless and unafraid. I continued to do everything I could to get the fiery liquid into my body including stealing, manipulating, and even using sex as a tool to get my needs met.

I am an adult now and have been in recovery from addiction for 23 years. My alcohol use led to other drugs and in the end meth, cocaine, and a night of smoking crack took me down.

I was young when I got cleaned up, but ever since, have been obsessed with vitamins and supplements. I’m almost embarrassed to tell you about my “pill shelf.”

I think we can go in the opposite direction as addicts. We stop using to feel that insatiable void in our inner lives and run to the gym to lift and supplements to get a boost or feel healthy because we need that rush. We need endorphins and we feel high when we know we get to hit the workout class or try the latest supplement promising us more energy, whiter teeth, fewer wrinkles, more sex drive, a twinkle in our eyes, shinier hair, less anxiety, a more positive mood, and, ad infinitum.

“I am a sucker for anything that promises me better health. I fought for my sobriety and I want to “live my best life,” so I tend to believe the promises of say, adaptogenic mushrooms healing my inflammation and ashwagandha or holy basil lowering my cortisol. I get obsessed and take more of everything to feel a semblance of normal.”

For years I have taken a supplement called Mood Support and it does help when I feel moody, but what did people do in the Ice Ages while fighting for their survival. They didn’t have supplements to take the edge off, but I guess that’s where peyote and medicinal herbs started to come in. We’ve always needed something. People found ways to get high from plants and seeds, mushrooms, and chemicals. We always want to feel different and rush to seek a high from something; anything.

I see the lines outside of the Starbucks drive-through in the early morning and when that wears off again in the afternoons. I see us grabbing a donut for a quick sugar fix and a soda or beer to get a little feeling of relief from our days.

I quit all of that stuff a long time ago, as I realized I didn’t want to have crutches and addictions to sugar and caffeine, but here I am with monthly memberships for things like MUD/WTR (an adaptogenic mushroom bev) YOUR SUPER ( powders for smoothies with yes, more adaptogens) and buying every vitamin under the sun. Sometimes I take such a big handful of vitamins I think I will choke and be found dead on the floor.

I get neurotic about having enough B-12, iron, and vitamin D as I’m vegan and live in a place where the sun isn’t always shining. If I feel a little off in some area, I find the right vitamin thinking I may have a deficiency and with Covid, of course, I have upped my Vitamin C, D, and Zinc.

If something promises well-being I am all over it. I even recently bought one called “in the mood” as my libido is suffering from possibly peri-menopause and then I needed more supplements for perimenopause.

My aunt talked me into taking something called Lithium Orotate for my moods and I think it has helped, but when does this end? Is this better than using street drugs? I would argue yes, as I am not in danger of being arrested and putting my family in danger. I can still make it to work and function. I am not jonesing or feening for my next hit, but I do have quite a daily regimen of vitamins and supplements to make me feel like I am living as healthfully as possible.

"In the same way that I scurry around to make sure I don’t have a health deficit, I overbuy things for my kid so that he will not feel the way I did as a child with “not enough.” My needs weren’t met as a child and so I overcompensate with my own."

I am sure all of this has a deeper meaning and at the root, it is a feeling of “not enough.” Looking externally for a semblance of peace, joy, and contentment that I can’t seem to find inwardly. Maybe more prayer, yoga, and mediation would do the trick?

I had a friend that I loved and respected. She was in her early 60’s and had been vegan for over 40 years. She meditated for an hour every morning and ate a fully raw vegan diet. She was the epitome of health in my eyes. She has a successful career and was a minimalist, only buying what she needed. During Covid, she was forced to work from home where she lived alone. There were riots in her LA neighborhood after George Floyd and I don’t know exactly what happened to my friend, but she died in the night and some speculated suicide.

I too, have struggled with depression and anxiety and was on some type of prescribed medication for many years of my life. For the last 5 I have been going the natural route and sometimes being in my own mind hurts like hell. I have so many years of grief and childhood trauma I covered up with fancy outfits and nice cars while being in debt and alone.

I think sometimes the Starbucks and the glass of wine feel like a bandage. A bandage that wears off that we have to re-apply day after day to feel okay. To cover up the hurts that have been inflicted upon us or just to feel like we are a part of and fit in this big, crazy world.

I long to feel at one with my fellows, but most of the time I feel divided and different. I long to have days where I sit around a table and laugh, but I am still reeling from the divide that a pandemic has caused in our lives. I just recently made myself go back to yoga in person for my mental health although I was scared of being in close contact with people in a studio breathing.

It has been healing for my psyche to see others in movement and breath. It has been healing for me physically to move my body and breathe in synchronicity with others. It has been healing to be seen by other humans and not to feel like a germ with a mask on. I have looked in others’ eyes and had conversations, not about work, which feels like something my body and mind were missing. We need each other. We need human contact. We need to feel less alone. It is a huge reason addicts use and a huge reason we run through the drive-thru to stuff our faces. We need to be seen and heard and shown our worth, but we are all scrambling through this life trying to get to the so-called finish line with our dreams fulfilled and our bodies and minds intact.

"There is no finish line and no one else can validate our worth. It’s time we step up and out and find it."

No Mocha latte will make us feel better at our core. The beer and drugs tear us down.

My supplement addiction digs a hole in my pocketbook and makes me feel like I am doing my best to take care of my body and mind, but that too is reaching outside of myself to find peace. I crave it so badly. Peace. Where is that pill?

What if we could all take the Peace Pill and there would be no more divisiveness between countries, races, and identities? What if we could all take the peace pill and finally feel like we are enough. No more competition and trying to beat others out. No more social media one-upped ness. No more discrimination no more need to fight and steal for what we believe we need. No more inequality. No more government agendas. We could just trust everyone.

I guess they say all of this happened because Eve ate that damned apple. Could this really be the reason? She too saw that she needed more.

The whole Garden of Eden wasn’t enough she was still seeking and when she plucked that apple and took a bite, it was so juicy and delicious that she needed to share with Adam.

Isn’t that the perfect analogy for our lives now. Try this! You will love it. It’s so good and juicy. I feel so fulfilled after taking a bite. Have some! You will love it too. It’s only 4.99 a month. You too can look like me.

Isn’t it exhausting? Keeping up? Don’t we all just want that magic pill so we can keep up in this life?

I pray we can all find a semblance of peace that can not be bought or purchased. I pray we find a connection to something deeper and more fulfilling-whether that be found on a mountain, in a Church, or in a yoga studio.

And please if you have ideas to share, please share them. Unity is what our body craves. Unity and connection.

Love and warmth.

It’s chilly out here in this life.

Let’s connect.