Alcohol — Drinking Part 3

Diana describes her mother’s side of the family where all the boys were alcoholics. There were 6 boys, and all had alcohol issues. I asked Diana how this affected the family. She said her grandmother just did what she had to get from morning to night. Diana describes being a young child and spending time on the family farm not knowing what was going on. She said they had a great time everyone was happy all the time (at this point we both laughed). When she got older her mother talked to her about the problems with her brothers. Grandpa loved the family but was not a nice person and he was not nice to the boys nor her grandmother. She discussed the personality changes in people who drink alcohol how they can change from day today. We never know from day to day if they are going to be good or bad and this is hard to live with.

Chloe describes a lot of drinking, but she feels it is hard to know who is an alcoholic and who is not. People can hide alcoholism very well. I was just talking to Thomas today who was deep into alcoholism for about 15 years and he hid it very well from his family. Ron describes his experience with Circuit parties and his relationship with a boyfriend where they would travel from one party to another. In these huge parties where drugs and alcohol were present, it was part of the party scene. Traveling, party culture, big names, big venues. Ron got out of it in 2004, he got out of the craziness. There was a publication on just circuit parties. It was huge. He describes going to Spain for a 5-day Circuit thing called a mad bear. It was all over the world. Part of it was the party drugs and alcohol. Ron ended up getting out of the relationship.

Joel talks about her mom’s drinking and also her struggles with weight. Her mom would take diet pills and not lose weight at the same time sitting with her Joel describes her mom drinking 4000 calories worth of rum and coke while they sit and have a conversation. Not recognizing that this is a problem. She feels that her mom has been going back and forth throughout the years, now she moderates her drinking. Alcohol used to be the main focus and it was a daily and everyday activity, now her mom drinks on the weekends and occasions. She has been successful in moderating her drinking. Joel was wondering if her mom was addicted or was just drinking to feel the time and space with something. Can someone be addicted and do something in moderation? Maybe the prediabetes scared them Joel asserts. She is very happy that her mom is doing so well now, she looks much healthier and she can go over there and have a cocktail with dinner but that would be the only thing they would not drink anything else after.

Janett describes her mom’s side of the family struggling with addictions. Janett’s family has Irish heritage, grew up outside San Francisco. Janett describes all her mom’s family having issues either having addiction themselves or marrying someone who had an addiction. One of her uncles died on the streets using alcohol or drugs, she was not sure. Another uncle lives under a bridge in the next town over where Janett grew up. Her mom was struggling with drinking when she was growing up. Her mom had 7 siblings. She was not abusive, but for a little while she was neglectful, and for a long time, she was just very angry. Janett forgot for a while that her mom had a personality; she was just this angry cloud. She was able to stop drinking and now she has been sober for 20 years. Janett now laughing said then she started to realize that her mom is a human being with a personality. She describes growing up in a chaotic situation and feeling more comfortable with people who had similar problems even though it made her feel crazy, she was dating people who had addiction problems. It made Janett feel like when she was a kid again and had to deal with whatever was going on. Janett went to Al-Anon for a few months and she describes that this had changed her life when she had heard other people’s stories.

She feels Al-Anon changed the trajectory of her life, she was originally going to work on the fears of her mom relapsing and hoping to resolve childhood issues. Then she realized more is going on and she broke up with her boyfriend who was addicted to cocaine. In her mom’s family, Janett’s grandmother died of alcohol poisoning when she was 51 years old. Her grandmother was a binge drinker in her mom’s entire life and one night she had too much to drink. She died.

Janett’s aunt was married to someone who was an alcoholic, had two children, was abusive, he ended up getting worse. Ultimately, they divorced. Unfortunately, and ironically one of the kids, Janett’s cousin was walking on the side of the road one day when

he was 17 and got killed by a drunk driver.

There was more tragedy to come. Janett grew up with her other cousin. They went everywhere together from kindergarten through high school. He went to a party one night where he hot drunk, he was messing around with his friend and hit his head on the floor.

He got a traumatic brain injury; he was 21 years old

and died 2 years ago. He was disabled, unable to speak or care for himself. He lived in a care home and two of Janett’s aunts dedicated all their time to caring for him for 3–4 years before he passed away. He died from pneumonia. All his systems were compromised by his time and he could not fight it off. This was very hard for Janett. He partied a lot, drank a lot, and smoked a lot of pot. It was difficult to tell she said if he was just going through a phase or had an actual problem with substances. He went through a lot before with the abusive father and her brother being killed so young. He was 15 years old when his brother was killed. Janett feels he did go kind of reckless and drink more he should have. By that time even though they knew all the same people because they went to high school together, they did not hang out with the same people. Janett is scared of using any alcohol or drugs because of her family history or doing anything habitual. She would drive a different way if she come one way, do things differently when she can, eat different things just to make sure nothing becomes a habit for her. Janett wonders where is the line between young people experimenting and addiction. She recalls when all this happened to her cousin a lot of people were doing the same thing who made it through that phase, but he did not.

Tragedy seems not to stop for this family. The boys’ father drank so much that he was having alcoholic seizures and become unable to care for his finances, people were taking advantage of him. He had money. One time a taxi driver talked him into buying him a $100,000 car. At this point, Janett’s aunt took over the finances even though they were divorced and made sure things were paid for him. He was mentally disabled. Within the year after the traumatic brain injury accident, he died. Janett’s aunt lost everyone in her immediate family related to alcohol. She made it through somehow.

She is still doing well, has great coping skills, is healthy, exercises, spends time with friends, she is in a very stable relationship. We discussed how many people in Janett’s family were touched by addiction. So much tragedy and loss in one family. Janett does have a brother who also went through a phase of drinking and smoking pot, but he hardly drinks now. Janett’s mom was lost for a long time, but now her life is back in order, their relationship is good now.

Janett also describes an aunt on her father’s side of the family who is very active in her addiction to alcohol now. She describes this aunt living out in the mountains, farther away from society in the woods. She has a boyfriend who also lives in the mountains about 45 minutes away from her. She drinks a lot. Every time she goes to see Janett and her family she drinks so much that after 7 or 8 pm she cannot even have a conversation with her. She also smokes pot. She becomes very loud, ridiculous. She starts earlier in the day than she used to and drinks more. Her aunt would say she is trying to drink less for her health, but the next time she sees her she drinks more again and finds excuses to drink. She would ask Janett’s husband if he wants to drink another martini. He would say, no I am ok. Then she would be like: “well why don’t I make you another one?” He would say, ok, but not sure if I want to drink one. She would say it is fine. Then she would proceed to make another blend and would make a double or quadruple shot of something in a name of sharing. This way she can have another one justifying it.

Janett loves her aunt, she is like a second mother for her. Alcohol does affect their interactions. Janett used to spend a lot of time with her aunt, she is a very independent and capable person, she built her own house, she is so awesome, but now she drinks so much that her assertive personality comes out. There is just no planning with her Janett said. Examples she gave me were planning a dinner and not getting there until 10–11 pm. Additionally, if there is a plan to get somewhere, they always arrive at least one hour late. Janett decided that she will never drive with her to San Francisco again. (She laughs here) Then she gets serious and tells me that especially her daughter can never go anywhere with her aunt. She just drinks way too much and she smokes pot while driving. Sadly, Janett adds.

She knows it is her life, she respects that she can live her life any way she wants but it is still sad that Janett can’t spend the quality time with her that she used to before she was drinking and smoking pot. She still tries to spend time with her but in the back of her mind, it is there, hoping it will be ok, it will not be too overwhelming. Janett has to prepare herself before spending time with her aunt. There is a fight about everything. It is exhausting. No, we can’t do that, no we have to do this, no we have to leave now. She has to be very hyper assertive.

Janett now sometimes just gives up on having good conversations with her aunt. Sometimes she calls her, and her aunt just talks to her then said I have to go and hung up and Janet was not able to have the conversation she called for. They used to have wonderful conversations together. It is upsetting to Janett that she cannot be as close to her aunt as she would like to be. She is also sad because her daughter will not be able to see the strong amazing aunt she grew up with. She is just trying to accept it for what it is. Then the difficult part for the family comes. Janett is not sure what she could do for her aunt. They had some conversations. Her aunt at least about pot felt like that it is better than using other stuff that can kill her faster. Janett does enjoy spending time with her aunt, after a certain time at night she needs to go to bed. (she is laughing here and saying she just does not want to deal with her past a certain point). Janett never told her aunt this. Probably the same thing I hear over and over from others. People are afraid of confrontation and losing relationships with loved ones.

Thank you for reading,

Gabriella

This book is dedicated to the memory of Bagóczky József my uncle who died at age 19 — alcohol related car accident and to everyone else who has been hurt or lost related to addiction

Many people had been supportive and inspiring to me so I could create this book. Both of my wonderful children told me, just write that book mom. My mom. I could have not done this without all the stories provided and the encouragement love and caring from my family and friends, nurses, doctors, counselors, teachers, professors, friends who are dealing with addiction and staying sober; and children, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers of people who are dealing with addiction currently. Thank you for speaking up, sharing your stories and life experiences. Thank you for all the people who read this book while in progress to provide feedback, ideas and encouragement for me to continue writing. I would like to say special thanks to my friends and family for believing me and encouraging me to go on.

Front cover acrylic painting created by Andrea Mihaly October 2019

Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered. Hear the voices of everyday people — collection of stories and experiences.

Copyright @ 2020. 1st addition on Amazon KDP. 2nd addition Jan 2021 Barnes & Noble. By Dr. Gabriella Kőrösi. All rights reserved. Dancing Elephants Press.