Abuse Is Never OK

I just got off the phone with the DA (district attorney) who is assigned to my case from a domestic violence incident that took place in November 2020. I have been reading all the self help books, seeing counselors, contacting my local domestic violence victim witness programs, everything I can think of to help me make better choices to get myself out of this cycle of abuse.... but I have still made some not so great choices in regards to the person who continues to hurt me. I know I'm not alone, so I'm going to share with you some of the things I learned today from speaking with the DA assigned to my case, as well as some things I have learned on my own "the hard way".

The DA wants to help you. They can put you in contact with counselors who specialize in domestic violence. In some cases, they can provide funding to get you the help you need so you can either get to a safe place or remain in a safe place that you've already secured. Their job is to help your attorney (state provided or private) hold your abuser accountable for what they have done to you. You need to be honest with them, Even though you might be afraid to tell the whole truth, even if your abuser has convinced you to think you may have done something wrong, they will still help you. You need to tell the whole truth for them to help you the best they can. It is normal to feel fear or conflicting emotions about getting your abuser in trouble, but you have to try and put those aside. You must put yourself first.

Save every email, text, messenger message, photo, or any other savable form of communication after each (hopefully only) incident. These are invaluable to help you and your attorney win your case to convict your abuser. I know that not every victim wants to go this route or simply won't, but if you want to report your abuser, you need evidence. Save everything.

You aren't the only one who has been enticed back after a violent episode. I got engaged to my abuser two months after he grabbed me by the neck and threw me over the hood of my car. We tried to make things work until about a month ago. You DO NOT have to feel ashamed or embarrassed that you went back. It happens all the time, and nobody on your side will judge you for it.

I hope that you won't go back again, but you might...and that is called The Cycle Of Abuse. It is very common. If you experienced abuse or trauma as a child, you are more likely to return to your abusive relationship than someone who had a more traditional, less traumatic, upbringing. Have compassion for yourself. The experts know this, and they can help you come to terms with your unhealthy behavior to go back to an unsafe environment.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are not weak, insignificant, a slut or a whore, a bad parent, or any other nasty thing that your abuser throws at you to make you feel small. You have every right to report what they did to you, and I encourage you to do it. You are powerful and the law is behind you. All you have to do is BE HONEST...even about the things you may have done that you aren't proud of. It's likely your abuser knows your insecurities and will play on them to persuade you to keep your mouth shut. Don't let them. Even if they change their tune, behavior, get counseling (or tell you they will), buy you gifts, trips, or whatever else to bribe you not to report them, DO IT ANYWAY. They will eventually leave you (or worse) and likely do the same thing to someone else. ANY form of abuse is NOT OK.

It's hard when their tirade is over and they change back into the person you fell in love with. It's believable because they have likely had practice and have done this before. DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS. Sure, we all mess up from time to time, or seem a little nuts occasionally. You can usually talk about these behaviors with a healthy person without them getting defensive. In a healthy relationship, you can talk about your feelings without anyone getting verbally or physically abusive. This is what SHOULD be normal. If you question someone's actions only to be met with hostility, anger or rage...fucking run, and never look back.

There is help out there even if you have no money or family to support you. Never be afraid to call 911 if you feel like you are in imminent danger. Even if you have been drinking or using drugs, CALL ANYWAY. You can freely admit to the officers when they arrive on scene what the situation is, and they will use their best judgment to help you. You may be arrested, but it's better than being severely hurt or worse. Their job is to protect you, even if that means taking you into custody. I know that's a scary thought, and something nobody wants to do, but the alternative outcome is often worse than spending the night in a holding cell.

If you are being abused, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't "make them do it". They CHOSE to hurt you, and there is a 1 in 7 chance that they will do it again if you keep coming back. The statistics also suggest that each incident escalates in severity, with the worst scenario being death. NONE of what they have said or done to you is your fault. Even if you've had a colorful past, made some mistakes, did the dishes wrong, put their socks in the wrong drawer, NONE OF THEIR VIOLENT OR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR is your fault. None of it. They CHOSE to hurt you on purpose. It is ALL their fault.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." DOES NOT APPLY when you are purposefully being manipulated. While going back to an abuser probably wasn't the best choice, it is STILL NOT YOUR FAULT if they continue to abuse you. It is still 100% their fault for continuing to entice you back just so they can hurt you on purpose again and again.

Although I cannot take credit for these five sentences I am about to equip you with, I am not copying them out of a book. I am passing down wisdom that was passed down to me. Abuse often happens in relationships where one person is obsessed with a power balance, and they need to feel in control. If you are in a situation where you cannot immediately exit or terminate the relationship, these are five things you can say to diffuse an argument before it gets out of control. They allow you to break free while giving them complete control of the power balance while still maintaining your dignity.

1. I accept your FAULTY perception of me.

2. I feel sad (mad, pissed, disappointed) you feel that way about me.

3. I have no right to control how you feel about me, see me, or my abilities.

4. I have no choice but to accept how you feel.

5. Your anger/rage is not my responsibility

If you find yourself in a verbal argument, text, email, over the phone....whatever kind of argument (as long as it is not physically abusive), DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS SCRIPT. Just keep repeating yourself with which ever statement fits what they throw at you. You just demolished the power balance. You gave all the power to them, and they have nothing to fight for anymore. Don't say "you win". Just keep repeating these five things, until you can call for help or remove yourself from the situation.

I hope what I've learned today can help someone out there going through a similar situation. Remember, people want to help you. None of this is your fault. You are worthy of love, kindness and respect. You are not a bad person, even if you've done things in your past that you aren't proud of. We all make mistakes. It is part of being human. Hurting someone on purpose repeatedly, whether it's verbally or physically is called abuse. If this is happening to you, please reach out for help. ABUSE IS ANY FORM IS NOT OK. You can get through this, but nobody can do it for you. You got this.

Let's stand together to end Domestic Violence. I can't do it alone. I need your support too, and you have mine. Until my next epiphany, take care of your self and those around you. You never know what battle the person next to you is fighting. Kindness and compassion go a long way, so go out there and show the world how awesome you are.

If this hit home for you, give me a heart. If you know someone who needs help, please share this article with them. If you feel generous, a tip is always appreciated but never expected. It takes all of us to end hate and violence, so lets start working together to put an end to it. ABUSE IS NOT OK.