A Wee Toilet Tale

There has long been held an urban myth in Scotland, that according to law, if someone asks a homeowner for use of their toilet, they are legally obliged to let them. According to the Law Commission, though, there is nothing of the sort. The thought is it was borne of Scottish people taking pride in being hospitable. I am including this point in the preamble to the tale below to give some context.

Waiting for a bus, ah goat chatting tae the lady next tae me.

"Whit's the world comin tae?" she asks. "There's nae kindness anymare." Ah nodded and agreed. "Aye, folk ur only lookin' oot fir their own." "Aye, it's a wee shame, so it is." she continued, shaking her head as she took the last drag of her ciggie afore she put it oot in the bin by the shelter.

"There are folk oot there still carin', mind you" Ah offered, breaking the gentle silence. "The place is goan doon the toilet, though."

As the bus pulled up, there wasnae that satisfying gassy squeaky break, as it was wan of those new electric buses. Electric buses in Scotland, who'd have thought we'd see the day. Anyway, we get oan the bus and ah sit in the chair in front of the wee wumin. She's greying and slightly balding, and although she sports an almost comical resting bitch face, it softens when exchange smiles. "Ah wanna tell ye a tale of kindness that might brighten yer day, if Ah kin?"

"Aye, awright"

"Well, wan day Ah wur oot doin' mah roonds for mah joab, door tae door like. And Ah wur caught short..." ah blushed a bit, as the sting of embarrassment the story brings still affects me. We both shared a laugh afore ah continued.

"Ah wur too far frae hame and didnae kno anywan in the vicinity, so Ah wur in a wee bit of a dither, that soon turned intae a blind panic."

Still laughing, she asked "Whit did ye dae? Shit yer pants?"

"Naw, hen. Naw. ah didnae curl wan oot in mah pants. Though ah wur close tae dain that." ah scowled

"Go on then, son" she chuckled.

"Ah had just spoken tae a wee wummin at her door. Ah wis tempted tae go knock her door and ask her if ah could use her loo."

"Wouldnae catch me dain that, son!" she chipped in. Normally, Ah wid have agreed wae her.

"Ah continued dain mah roond for a little bit, but as the pressure bilt up, pressin doonwards in mah bowels, an explosive excavation wis due very soon. Ah wur walkin' real funny... hawdin it in!"

"Oh dear, son...so?"

"Ah wis so embarrassed tae dae it, but Ah didnae want tae crap mahself miles away frae hame, so went tae her door and knocked it again."

"Whit happened next? Ah dunno how Ah wid have felt if some eegit came tae mah door askin tae use mah loo" she guffawed.

"Well...Ah musthave looked pure dead desperate and a bit ov a state tae be fair, but Ah minced the wirds oot and asked hur! Ah wis surprised when she said aye. Surprised and relieved."

"Ah kin imagine!"

"The loo wis upstairs, so Ah just had a few paces tae clear afore it all came pourin oot"

"Ah hope you bleached it after yee!" she laughed with another head shake and jokey eyeroll.

"Aye, ah did and used pure loads of hur air freshner, some AirWick smelly crap"

"Tae hide yer own smelly crap"

"Aye, exactly. When Ah wur dun, Ah went doon and said thanks aboot a hunner times afore headin hame. As embarrassing as it wis, it wid have bin worse tryin tae go hame wae crapped-in boxers." Ah reasoned as Ah sat back and we shared more laughter.

"Ahm actually goin back tae her hoose today. Ah bought a card an some fancy chocolates tae thank her. Mah wae ov payin it forward a bit."

"Ah should bloody think so, but yer right...there are sum oot there that still try tae be kind." she laughed, as ah goat oaf at the next stoap.

*

Thanks for reading!

Author's Notes: Based on a true story. For Small Kindness challenge. I felt doing it in Scots/Glaswegian gave it a bit of grounding. Hope it's understandable, though.