It happens from time to time. This tightness in my chest. The feeling that I can't catch my breath. The racing thoughts that do not stop no matter what I do. The feeling that I am not really here but I know that I am here. The fear that if I go to sleep, I won't wake up in the morning. The desire to go out in public, but if I do, there is that fear that something is going to happen. The fear that everyone around you is talking badly about you & the feeling that no one likes you. It's all in my head. I've heard that phrase for so many years from so many different people. I've been through therapy more times than I can count. The moment I get reprimanded or someone points out that I am doing something wrong, I dwell on it. I lose sleep over it. I don't stop crying about it. I try to change myself and the way I approach something so it doesn't happen again. I obsess over the fact that I need to change and I do everything possible to change. I shut myself off from everyone around me. I stop talking. I put up a wall and stop letting people in because I do not want to be an annoyance in someone's life.
This is what my anxiety is like. It has been this way for so many years. When something happens, my emotions are intense. My thoughts are intense. My body tenses up. However, I tend to hide it. I put on that happy face and show my sense of humor but behind closed doors, I struggle. I do not let anyone in because if I had to be reprimanded for something, that makes me a bad person. If someone is pointing out something that I should not be doing, it means that I am a bad person. Rationally, I know this is so far from the truth. However, in that moment, my whole entire world shuts down and I dwell on that single event for days.
I am a perfectionist as well. Add that into the mix with a little bit of depression, and we have a disaster that holds me back for days & sometimes even weeks. It takes me awhile to recover because I beat myself up over every little thing that happens and I convince myself that I am this terrible human being, all because of one little mistake. One little mistake that ruins my day, my week, and sometimes my month.
This particular weekend, I worked so hard on myself to make sure that I do not make the same mistake twice, that I start to change myself for the better. I've done so much reflection, writing, crying, and had many, many anxiety attacks. This anxiety stems back to my childhood and the events that took place. I've come a long way since those moments in my life. I still struggle. I. Still. Struggle. And that is OK.
Before ending this post that is most likely a bunch of rambling, I want to add that no matter what you are feeling today or in the future, it is valid. It is real. You are heard. You are supported. You are enough. It is OK to feel the way you do. Like I have to remind myself daily, we cannot dwell on past mistakes. We learn lessons & we move forward. It is OK to struggle. It is OK to cry. It is OK. You are worth so much and are loved by so many. You are not your anxiety. You are not your depression. You are you. You are a good person. You are good enough. You are loved.