A letter to my ex abuser

You know who you are,

So it’s been quite a year, I mean can you believe how much has changed. Wow, this time last year I was just falling for you. To be honest I’m quite shocked that we’ve ended up here. Like in the past year, you went went from my friend , to dating, to losing your virginity, ending with me being a dumb ass, and finding us where we are now. In one shy year you have become abusive and my controller.

So after everything, just a reminder I won’t break any more rules. Sorry.

From rules broken, feelings hurt, pushing me to the edge.

I need to be who you want me to be. I know who you want and how to act so I won’t screw up anymore.

This year I won’t make the same mistakes I have before. This year you won’t have to punish me. This year I won’t do you wrong.

This year and in all the time to come I promise myself to you. I promise to keep true to my faith. I promise and support you no matter what. I promise to be honest, and loyal.. This time around I won’t screw it up. Now I know these are just words, and probably words you have heard, but A. I’m dead serious.

There won’t be a next time. I won’t buy another bottle of makeup to cover up my bruises.

I know the rules.

-No guy friends

-No friends in general unless we share them

-No makeup

-No going out unless its with you

-Dress a certain way

-Look a certain way

-Clean all your stuff

-Do your homework

-Sexually please you

-Foot rubs everyday

-Leave my tracker on my phone at all times

And if I broke the rules, I knew the drill, lay down on my side, and wait until the punishment was over.

I followed your rules as best I could. But I found myself coated in bruises, suffocated eating you out in the shower, I found myself scared. And for some reason I wouldn’t leave.

But this is my goodbye. Yesterday you threw me to the ground for the last time. Yesterday I walked home bruised and battered for the last time.

I’m scared to be alone but now I’m more scared to be with you.

I’m writing this letter years after we ended. But I want to share what came next.

The day after my last bruise healed I wanted, craved control. I wanted to control anything I could.

In bed that night, I picked up my first blade. I sliced shallow at first into my leg until I had control over my pain.

I would count, 1, 2, 3, 4, tell myself it was because of you. 1 cut, 2 cuts let’s crosshatch next….

Today I have hundreds of scars to remind me of what you did to me. I am better having left you. And I will cover my scars and carry them with pride because I survived what most don’t.

Most people like me die before they get the courage to walk away. And I do believe that if I had have stayed that I would be in the ground instead of writing this.

You ruined me. You sent me in the direction of more suffering that anybody will ever know. You broke me, and then what happened next only broke me all over again….

So this is goodbye. Oh and FUCK YOU!

I hope you sleep well knowing what you did to me. I hope karma comes back and teaches you a lesson.

Years later and I’m finally all put back together, and I make no apologies for leaving when and as abruptly as I did.

I hope you never do to another what you did to me….

With the sincerest fuck you, and a huge thank you for showing me I’m worth more ,

Your ex