A Daydreamer With ADHD

3 years ago:

The psychiatrist’s recommendation: Explore _____’s feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and self-doubt. Gauge how she can respond in healthy ways to issues of injustice and abuse of others.”

And with that evaluation, years of inner turmoil are summed up in that one sentence. I know the “what” is ‘wrong with me’, but I didn’t know “why”.

But this is not the event that changed everything.

2 years ago:

I see on Instagram a post from an acquaintance about how there is a misconception about ADHD—people think it’s a hyperactive boy who can’t sit still in a classroom, but it can just as easily be a little girl daydreaming instead of paying attention in class. No one realizes she has a problem. She learns to internalize her struggles instead of acting out. This leads to many young girls growing up to be adults walking around with undiagnosed ADHD, often with co-morbidities such as depression or anxiety.

I read the list of symptoms and my jaw drops. Could that be me?

ADHD Inattentive Type (formerly known as ADD):

• Trouble focusing

• Not paying attention to details and making careless mistakes

• Missed deadlines

• Disorganized

• Easily distracted

• Often fails to follow through on instructions or completing tasks

• Often forgets doing routine chores (paying bills, returning phone calls, keeping appointments)

• Puts off tasks that call for long periods of mental focus

• Often loses items needed to complete tasks or activities

• Does not seem to listen even when spoken to directly (zoning out, daydreaming)

*****

I begin devouring everything I can on adult ADHD. I read books, articles, and listen to podcasts. But I wait to get an official diagnosis because following through is anxiety-inducing. The thought of being labeled terrifies me. But also, the thought of a possible explanation for so many of my struggles brings an anticipation and a hunger. I have to know. But I’m scared.

*****

1.5 years ago.

I mention to a counselor that I think I have ADHD. He says, “everybody these days has a bit of ADHD. Turn off your phone an hour before you go to sleep at night. It’ll help.” I feel misunderstood.

I try again.

I go to another counselor. I tell her I think I have ADHD and she says, “I don’t believe in labels.” And she quickly moves on.

I bring it up to my husband and I’s marriage counselor. The counselor says, “whether or not you have ADHD…” and moves on completely, never to bring it up again.

I am crushed. I need someone who can give me tools to overcome ADHD! Nothing else is working! I feel that not knowing how to manage ADHD is damaging every part of my life—my work, my home, my relationships, my day-to-day life!

I am relieved that through this whole journey, my husband remains supportive. He learns with me. He encourages me not to give up finding professional help.

I want to give up so bad. Making all this effort only to not get the help I truly need is exhausting.

****

1 year ago.

I try one more time. This time, they have me take an official assessment. I eagerly await the results.

The results:

To whom it may concern,

____ underwent a formal assessment for ADHD with results as follows:

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, predominantly inattentive type (F90.0)

A paradox of emotions hit me. Relief, anger, disappointment, hope.

Relief because there is finally an explanation. I am not lazy. I am not stupid. I am not a loser.

Anger, because I wonder if only I would have been diagnosed when I was a little girl—all the signs were there, and everyone missed it—my life would have turned out differently. Maybe I wouldn’t have experienced so much shame and confusion. Anger that the other counselors I tried to get help from did not help me.

Disappointment because I think back to my past. So much could have been different. For so long I have felt like I am broken. That something is wrong with me.

Hope because now I now look towards a future that is different. Because there are SO many resources, help, and support for people with ADHD!

*****

Now.

I have learned a lot about myself. Mostly, that I am a work in progress. But then again, aren’t we all?

3 years ago, the psychiatrist (who did NOT catch that I had ADHD but was absolutely right in his evaluation) said I should explore…

Feelings of inferiority: I had years of feeling like I had to internalize my struggles and hide myself from others. This has all chipped away at my self-esteem.

Feelings of inadequacy: Years of feeling stupid because of forgetting things, losing things, or not being able to figure out how to be organized, etc. have made me compare myself to others for who these things seem to come more naturally.

Feelings of self-doubt: Feeling like a failure over and over and over again has sabotaged having a healthy confidence in myself.

Responding in healthy ways to injustice and abuse of others: Something I was very surprised to learn about ADHD was that those of us with this often have a strong sense of justice, and we feel things very deeply. This has led me into periods of intense inner turmoil and deep depression.

Receiving the diagnosis of having ADHD was the big life-changing moment. But now, every day is life-changing as well, as I go through the day-to day process of changing and transforming. My ADHD and all the struggles that come along with it did not magically go away when I was diagnosed. Treatment does not fix it. It is an ongoing process. It takes considerable effort to combat the negative self-talk that I became accustomed to doing. I go to counseling. I get treatment. I make progress. I go backwards. I fall down. I pick myself up—sometimes slowly—and press on.

In all this, I am still learning the one thing that has been ever so elusive—self acceptance. If I can have and hold onto that, then I will one day be able to love myself, even though I may have a lifelong struggle to manage my challenges. I am learning to appreciate the gift that having ADHD gives me as well—creativity, empathy, and more. I am learning to accept that Depression and Anxiety, my ADHD co-morbidities, are companions that walk with me every so often, no matter what treatment plan I am on. I have learned that I am brave and courageous, not by doing something radical or heroic, but by learning to be me.