A date with Willpower.

“New year, new me!” has never been a motto that I used too often. I always intended on being the same me, but better. Truthfully though, I was affirming that 2020 had my name all over it and I had big plans! I remember sitting on Hollywood Beach on New Year’s Day with my eyes closed, visualizing the year ahead. Faint Bachata music played in the distance from the live band, the sand beneath me kept me grounded while in thought, and every gust of wind felt like it whispered; “You got this.”

With a passion for all things artsy and moving to Florida from the Caribbean right after I graduated High School in 2014, how could I not dream big? I guess what was different about 2020 was that I was tired of dreaming it and was ready to live it. I was ready to paint my life exactly as I envisioned! (Pun intended, visual artist here.) Leaving the beach that day left me with a sense of readiness and curiosity as to where my new found desires of manifesting my dreams were going to take me.

Easing confidently into the year, January went by and as intended; I worked on myself every day. Whether it was a couple of sketches to keep my creative juices flowing or being intentional with proper rest, I was doing what needed to be done. I worked my part-time job as a fingerprint technician then went home to be the best artist I could be. Ultimately, I would’ve much rather to make art for a living, but we’ve all heard of the stereotype about the starving artist and 2020 was not the year I decided I wanted to start starving. February arrives, love swoops through the air and the essence of spring slowly begins to creep in, telling winter to move over. Spring is my favorite season, so I just knew March was going to be great! The news however, suggested different.

"I was thinking of going to Atlanta at the end of the month! Hopefully this is better by then." I said.

"Let’s hope, because we really ain’t sure where this is going." my brother responded.

A virus? Airborne? Lockdown? What?

A new and basically unknown virus had sprung before spring did. It all seemed like it was happening so fast. So fast that by the end of March, Atlanta certainly didn’t happen due to travelling restrictions and worse; my mom became ill. Now, I always say that I get my warrior spirit from my mother, in addition to her big heart. Seeing her contract a virus that was turning the world upside down by the minute was scary, I needed to be with her. I remember calling my boss to ask for a day off, just so that I could spend time with and take care of my mom and then go back to work. He broke the news to me that due to the new pandemic, our office would be closed down… UNTIL FURTHUR NOTICE.

Again… WHAT?

I began working just about two weeks after I moved to Florida and had never been unemployed since then, this was new and again… scary. As I hung up the phone that day, I couldn’t hold it- I broke down crying. I was scared for my mother’s health, and I was scared that I would indeed become a starving artist. None of what was happening seemed to align with what I intended on doing in 2020 and what made it worse was that there was no end in sight!

“Now, how am I going to pull this off?” I thought.

After gathering myself, I decided that I had no choice but to go full throttle. Taking care of my mother was priority and creating art to share with the world was second. The rest of my family and I prepared herbal teas and traditional remedies from back home for mom, being extra careful since we weren’t sure how contagious she may have been. It wasn’t easy to not be able to hug her while she was potentially at her sickest that she’s ever been, but my art became more of an outlet than ever- it kept me going! We’d take family walks outside to feel the warm, healing rays of the sun and I’d bring my paints and canvas with me.

I often wondered who’d be interested in buying paintings during a time where people prioritized hand sanitizer, but I kept going nonetheless. With slow recovery from my mom, approximately twenty-two dollars in my bank account and hysteria happening at every corner of the world, I wondered to myself…

"How am I going to pull this off?"

"Willpower."

"Who said that?!" I exclaimed out loud.

Looking around and realizing that I was still alone, I also realized that the voice- was mine.

Since the series of events began, I’ve been going "full throttle". It wasn’t until this moment that I came to the understanding that full throttle wasn’t the answer. It wasn’t until now that I could admit; I was late to my date with willpower.

A few days passed, my mom’s health improved greatly, and I started diving deeper into my craft. Being an artist who’s always stuck with flat and vibrant colors, I began going for more blending techniques and neutrals, expanding my skills. Granted, there were times where I needed to take a breath because the purple didn’t look purple-y enough. But even within these breaks, there was even more understanding that art was never about perfection to begin with. It’s messy, yet so beautiful. Ultimately, I was just happy my mom made improvement. There was gratitude in my heart.

After a day of creating, I sat on the living room carpet and shared my newest piece of artwork to social media. As excited as I was to do that, I was even more excited about all the snacks we’d stocked up on seeing that the whole world was basically under quarantine. My phone lit up with a notification as I ate, I figured it may have been a comment or share from the art photo I shared earlier. Instead, it was a message.

"How much is this piece?"

A potential customer. Then of course, the thoughts began.

"Someone is interested in my work. So soon? I just shared this tonight! I should say a million dollars. Don’t get cocky! Answer before he loses interest!"

"Good evening! It’s priced at $350 plus free shipping" I replied.

"I’ll take it! How do you take payment?"

Once more… WHAT?

This time, it was meant in the best way possible! In the middle of what seemed to be an impossible way to have a decent sense of livelihood, someone was interested in investing their money into something I actually loved creating. The feeling was surreal. After containing my full excitement until the transaction was actually complete, I burst out into a yell of joy, almost startling everyone else in the living room.

"I made a sale!" I exclaimed.

My family congratulated me, and we turned the evening into a small celebration of fried plantains (a Caribbean treat) and good vibes. With my mom feeling much better than before and making my first sale in the middle of a global lockdown, I was charged up and ready to go. As days passed by, I invested into my craft daily. Practicing new styles, mixing new colors, trying new methods and even incorporating different mediums.

Art stores were closed down temporarily, but I took it as an opportunity to improvise with the art material that I did have along with other items that would make great mixed media pieces. My creativity thrived, the customers were coming in and for the first time in all of my life, I was able to accumulate a great amount of savings. I was thriving in the middle of what initially felt like chaos, all by showing up as myself.

“I am grateful.” I whispered softly to myself.

A mantra that kept me afloat during the toughest times and brought me even closer to my true self. Truly, gratitude was the gateway to manifestation.

Mom was better and I had a thriving small art business in a matter of 3 months. Mentally, I returned to the beach every day. I felt the soft sand, I felt the kiss of the wind. Certainly, I heard the Bachata music playing again, but this time it was coming from my own soul. This time it was more defined notes, it was rhythms of my own drum, my true self. I understood every lyric that was never spoken and could translate every message that was not said but felt.

It’s funny, one might say that willpower is more so restraining an impulse. In this case, I had to trust my instincts and act on it. I needed to harness, love and respect my own willpower enough to dig deep and pull my true self out. If one was to ask me, I’d describe willpower as the friend that reminds you that you’re capable of everything your heart desires. It's the friend that leaves positive affirmations on the mirrors of your heart and mind. It’s the one who’s going to help you say, “I got this!” even after an ocean’s worth of tears.

The most beautiful thing about Willpower though, is that we’ve all been gifted them as a friend.