31 years of living

The ups and downs I've faced over 31 years of living. Man the things I've learned and experienced, some people may never believe the things I've been through but they are all so very true. Majority of my childhood is blacked out because it was too painful to relive so I keep it buried deep inside me, I let little glimpses come out for the right people but not too much, just enough to understand me.

I have 2 older brothers and 1 younger brother, no sisters. Being the only girl you'd think I would've been spoiled and protected by my brothers but boy is that far from the truth. My mom was extremely abusive and my dad wanted nothing to do with me. My step dad worked a lot so he wasn't ever around to see the damage my mom was causing me. My brothers were lucky enough to get away and escape the wrath of our mother, unfortunately they left me behind and couldn't be there to protect me. I don't blame them, I would've left too if I could have.

I survived my mother and made it to 17 to leave her for college but I screwed up. We were poor and I wasn't talented in anything so I had to attend community college. Had to have a job to pay for it and didn't have anywhere to go so I ran to my boyfriend, a guy I didn't even like but I needed him in order to escape my mother. I ran right into an abusive relationship with a man I didn't even want. I've known abuse my whole life so it felt normal to me. I never wanted kids because I wasn't raised right so I knew I would never be good enough to raise a child but I got pregnant.

There I was 18, in an abusive relationship and pregnant. Good lord what to do, only thing I could do was get married and make sure this child was raised better than I ever was. Fast forward 5 years and I was 23 with 3 kids still stuck with the same man. I guess in my mind I had dealt with my mom's abuse for 17 years I could deal with this dude for so many as well. After 9 crucial years of suffering I finally said fuck it and left. I walked away with nothing, literally the clothes on my back and just left.

For the first time in my life I could breath. I felt free and happy, something I never knew I could ever achieve. I had 2 jobs, a place, my kids, and my mom had apologized and we finally had a real relationship. Life couldn't get any better but it could get worse and it sure did. Three years of bliss and bam I got smacked hard in the face, punched in the gut knocking the life out of me. My ex hit me with custody papers and he won. There I was 26, living my life, raising my kids to the best of my knowledge and he just came and swooped them right from under me.

I thought my life couldn't get any worse then the next thing I know my mom got sick so I quit my job and moved in with her and my brother to help take care of her. After a short while she passed away, we lost the apartment and I had no income to help support myself. My entire world had been turned up side down and I had no idea how to fix any of it. So I turned to alcohol and partying, I let my life go because all I seen was misery and heartache, I didn't see the point in living anymore. I had done everything right and somehow all was just taken from me for God knows what reasons but I had no idea how to cope.

Fast forward a year and I had another kid on the way but I was in no way shape or form to take care of a child, I was still a huge fuck up. I found a wonderful family for him and he was adopted and now has a fantastic mother and father to raise him properly. 27 years old with 4 kids and none of them with them. No job, no place to live, just a complete piece of shit off doing stupid shit. So I ran away to another state. Got a job and started making good money but I lived with the wrong people so things went south and I ended up back in my hometown.

Moved in with a good friend and got a job. Life was finally getting back to normal. I finally felt a small amount of relief, like I could breath without hurting. Living with my best friend for 3 years and just enjoying life as best as I could. But nothing good ever lasts in my life so once again my world was turned upside down. 30 years old and my life was crumbling like a cake. My best friend moved her new boyfriend in and he hated my guts so I quit my job and ran away, again to another state. This time I didn't look back, I put my all into fixing my life and I did it! I got a fantastic job, a place all to myself and met a wonderful man, one I fell madly in love with.

Here I am, a year later, 31 years old and homeless and single. What went wrong you may ask, well let me explain this last year of life. My best friend moved out to live with me, yes the same one I lived with before. We got a bigger place together so her boys could have a room. Life was good for about 6 months and then one day it all fell to shit. I lost my wonderful job so my boyfriend moved in to help with bills. My best friend's fiance and I got into a huge argument and they moved out. My boyfriend and I were left with a 3 bedroom apartment that was way out of our price range so we moved in with his mom. Then one day we got into a huge fight and he kicked me out. I am now sleeping on his mom's couch while I look for a job and a place to go.

Life sure is a damn mystery and I don't know how much more I can take. The unexpected keeps happening. Life keeps going south for me, things go right then go completely wrong. A lot of downs and a small amount of ups. Obviously bad always comes with good but in my case, it's like bad is the main course and good is dessert that I rarely get. What's it all for and at what point does the bad stop coming, when do I get my fairytale ending, when will good finally stick and I can quit expecting bad to happen? When will it all come together? As of right now I feel like I'll never know, maybe when I'm 80 I can look back on all this and smile. Like damn I sure did make it through all those rough patches. Until then I'm here picking up the pieces of my heart and my life. Until next time guys!