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11:40 am

by Avexx L. 3 years ago in depression


They say it gets worse before it gets better. But does it?

Does I actually ever get better or does it get easier to handle?

Depression is an ugly thing.

I've been depressed since I was ten. Ten. I was 10 years old and I was depressed. Why? Thats a whole other story. That is for another time. I hope that I have the strength to hold on. No not suicide. But before I fall apart and it gets worse. My mom says I have nothing to be depressed about but she doesn't know the half of it. No one does. I can't bring myself to tell anyone the whole story. Maybe one day I'll be able to.

For now its just a breath in the wind.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was depressed because I was fat. I'd be rich. I'm not depressed because I'm fat. I'm fat because I'm depressed. People think I just choose to be fat. No. I have to motivation. I cannot get up in the morning. I don't eat. When I do eat I binge. I don't blame the depression. But it does play a factor. I wasn't depressed for awhile or it was durable and I was going to the gym. Working out every morning. Then it hit me.

Like a sack of bricks.

It came all at once and I just thought to myself.

I'm not okay.

I had been hiding it all that time. Been pretending to be okay but I couldn't pretend anymore and it hit me hard. Everything I held back came to haunt me. All my hardships. And no. Its not "Oh no one likes me so I'm depressed." No its some hardcore shit that no one deserves to go through. Not even the worse people deserve it. But I caught it before it was to late.

I'm in therapy now. Because I knew I wasn't in the right state of mind. I got diagnosed with major recurrent depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD and gender dysphoria all at once. It was breathtaking. All of this and I'm 18. First year in college. And I'm going through so much. I'm not saying I have the worst life. I'm not doing this for pity. I just want to speak my mind. And let others know.

Depression could hit anyone. At anytime. Depression doesn't pick specific people. Its random and you never know when it could happen to you..

Depression for me is:

  • Telling yourself to get up from bed for 20 minutes and not doing it until you force your body to even though mentally you aren't ready.
  • Lying awake at night, thinking that if you died right there, you wouldn't care.
  • Not being motivated to do the things you used to love.
  • Being trapped in your own mind and watching your life go by without feeling like yourself.

People say depression is a choice.That I chose to be depressed and I should just be happy. Thats not how it works. I didn't just wake up and think "Huh I want to be depressed. Seems like fun." No. One day I woke up and I didn't feel like myself. I didn't feel like the person I was. It just suddenly hit me because I had been holding everything that has happened to me inside.

Thinking and being told you're depressed is two different things. I knew I was depressed the second time because I had already felt it before. But when they told me. "You have Major Recurrent Chronic Depression, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder and Gender Dysphoria." My whole world stopped. (I'm not looking for attention. No I hate, attention. I rather be forgotten and ignored.) My world came to a halt and all I could do was replay that moment for the next week. Being told you have all these things. Is like being told you're dog died. You cry and you don't know what to do.

But Im in therapy and its good. I'm slowly figuring things out and veryyyyy slowly doing better. It just takes time.

I think everyone should be in therapy just to have someone to vent to. Just to have someone there to listen. To talk to someone.

Stay strong.

Avexx L.
Avexx L.
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Avexx L.

Just trying to be okay.

See all posts by Avexx L.

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