10 Hidden Symptoms of Being Raised By a Narcissistic Parent

I was 24 when I first read an article about narcissism. It completely changed my world. I was struggling with low self-esteem, couldn't be vulnerable, couldn't access my emotions, and was constantly trying to please everyone. Suddenly everything that I was trying to figure out in my life made sense.

But despite the pleasing, people still wanted to pull away from me. They never invited me to their parties and made excuses to not hang out with me privately. I didn't understand why I always felt so awkward around everyone. I often had interesting stories to tell or knew many stories about others that were interesting to hear.  

After reading that article, I finally realized that my dad was a narcissist. No wonder I had been living my life in survival mode all these years! I immediately called my mum to tell her what I had just found out. I thought she would also be able to see the truth about her relationship with my dad and help her move on from their divorce. 

But then the next shock came  -as she hesitantly replied: 

"So you finally figured it out" 

I was dumbfounded. She knew all this time?! Why did she never tell me? She knew how much I was struggling with my (daddy) issues, why did she never point me in this direction? 

Nobody Is Protecting Me

My initial reaction was anger. How could she know he was a narcissist and yet play dumb with me and my brothers when we once again had fights with our dad? Many times I had reached out to her crying about another thing my father had done that just didn't make sense to me. 

Like the time he threw beer and food all over me at a family event after I told him I was going on a vacation with my new boyfriend (I was 19 at the time). Or when he called me a whore and told me 'I was spreading my legs to every guy that bought me a drink'. Or the night when he discovered I had sex in his house with my boyfriend of six months, and he told me he was ashamed to be my father. I didn't see him for over a year after that incident because he literally expelled me from the family. 

All those moments I had poured my heart out to my mum, not being able to make sense of what I really had done wrong. She always welcomed me with loving arms, but never ever mentioned that the issue was actually my dad's narcissism. 

And this is one of the trickiest parts about being raised by a narcissistic parent; their spouses often enable them to keep displaying that behavior. This was also the case with my mum. Later in my life, she told me that she didn't even know at that time that narcissism was a thing, and that her values of staying in marriage forever were one of the biggest reasons she never tried to divorce him.

5 Symptoms Of Children Being Raised By a Narcissistic Parent

It's not easy to really figure out if one (or both) of your parents is a narcissist. The label 'narcissist' is being thrown around everywhere these days, but not every person with narcissistic traits has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

Most people have narcissistic traits these days because we live in a highly individualistic society that thrives on external validation. I suggest you do your own research to find out if your parent was really a narcissist. 

The following list is based on my own experiences, and things that I keep struggling with to this day. The common symptoms of kids from a narcissistic parent include low self-esteem, lack of boundaries, people-pleasing and not being able to access your emotions. But besides these symptoms I also found that the following hidden signs could reflect that you have been raised by a narcissistic parent: 

1. You feel like nobody really likes you 

This symptom keeps coming back to me because deep down I feel like I am never good enough. My dad didn't love me unconditionally and since I was a child, I always had to do more and better to gain his love. 

In my current life I still often feel that people don't really like me and that I shouldn't be a burden to them. I feel like I have to behave a certain way to be accepted and this makes me inauthentic. But I learned that not being authentic is a bigger reason for people to actually not like me than trying to be someone I am not. 

2. You have an avoidant attachment style

A lot of children of narcissistic parents either have an anxious or an avoidant attachment style. Anxious roots in a fear of abandonment and avoidant is actually a fear of rejection. 

I am 'blessed' with an avoidant attachment style and find it really hard to commit in relationships. This is because I am actually very afraid that once people really get to know me, they will dump me. I rather don't get to that point so I am afraid to commit to somebody. 

This makes me keep an emotional distance and I run away as soon as things get more serious. 

3. You fall for toxic people

Emotionally healthy people don't fall for toxic people. They learned to trust their intuition and have clear boundaries when people cross a line. 

But if you are raised by a narcissist, your intuition is probably hidden and you don't sense when people treat you badly. In fact, it's most likely the opposite - you are attracted to toxic people. 

This is because the first signs of love that you experienced were not healthy, so subconsciously you are re-creating that as an adult. It is very likely you will fall for a narcissist if one of your parents is a narcissist. 

4. You don't trust anyone

Kids normally have a pretty good sense of what is going on. But what if day after day and year after year your emotions are being invalidated? 

You start to distrust yourself and with that everyone around you. 

Deep down you don't trust your narcissistic parent, but since they raised you, you set this feeling aside. You must be the problem, right? A narcissist is most likely gaslighting you, and your reality is worth nothing to them. 

This makes you lose trust in people around you. You think somebody is only nice to you because they need something. This is what your parent did too, so it makes you project it on everyone around you as well. 

5. You have many narcissistic traits yourself

There is a thing called narcissistic fleas. It basically means that you pick up the narcissistic traits from your parent. You see that things work the way they work for them, so you start displaying the same characteristics. 

Most narcissists are very charming and charismatic people, so they most likely get what they want. As a kid who sees this behavior, you learn to be like your parent (like any kid would). 

You can also develop narcissism as a defence mechanism. 

You can only take so much hurt and blame, so becoming narcissistic is a logical result. One of my brothers turned into the person he hated the most: a narcissist. 

It is very heart-breaking to see, but many kids of narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves. 

6. You gossip around certain people

I recently figured out why some people make me want to gossip more than others. When I meet somebody that feels like they are 'better' than me (especially other women), I am more inclined to want to be accepted by them. 

So when I feel like they are not going to like me, I turn to my last resort - gossip. I tell juicy stories about other people that I know will interest them. My desire to be liked goes so deep that I will do anything it takes to be accepted by that person. 

Afterward, I feel bad about it, and this makes me feel even more guilty than before. Now they are probably not even gonna like me at all, because they realised that I was gossiping. 

7. You feel awkward around others

As a kid, you learned to be someone you are not around your narcissistic parent, so as an adult it is probably really hard to fully be yourself. And trying to be someone you are not, is going to make you feel awkward around others. 

You try so much to fit in, that your behaviour is not genuine. 

And when you feel awkward about yourself, others probably feel that same awkwardness. 

I noticed that when I am trying to please someone, I am becoming this very awkward person and start saying dumb things. And that is making me even more awkward. 

8. You are extremely suspicious 

This is kind of in the same line as not trusting anyone, but sometimes you think people are actually out to get you. You are suspicious about every nice gesture from somebody else. 

Your narcissistic parent was probably really nice to you when they needed something. So it's only natural to be suspicious if people are nice to you in your adult life. Nobody does anything for anyone just to be nice, right? 

It takes a long time to accept that not everyone always wants something in return. But good people do exist, and some folks are genuinely nice just because they really are. 

9. You are perfectionistic 

Being a perfectionist is a trait that I see often in my friends who also have narcissistic parents (which are quite many actually!). And I myself always want to do every task perfectly as well. 

I just can't half-ass do something, because my dad was always hypercritical about my achievements. 

Only when I worked really hard for something, would he give praise. 

So as an adult I always think I have to work hard for every little thing in my life and I don't stop until it's perfect. This is very unhealthy because I take a lot of extra (unpaid) time to make something perfect outside of work hours. 

I do it outside of work hours because I also don't want people to think that I spent more time than I should on a task. But the truth is that I can't sleep when I know that something is not perfectly finished. 

10. You easily 'zoom out' 

If you are raised by a narcissist, you probably learned to emotionally distance yourself from your parent. I have very few childhood memories because so many times I just left my body when my dad was angry again. 

This is known as dissociation. It's a coping technique to handle difficult situations. But this can be a problem when you are an adult because you can easily zoom out or find it hard to concentrate. 

This can happen in a fight with somebody, or simply because you are bored with a conversation. Your mind just wanders off and you don't remember a thing of what was said to you. 

Healing yourself

I had no idea that most of my struggles as an adult came from being raised by a narcissistic parent. I just thought I was weird and awkward and nobody wanted to be friends with me. 

It actually took a spiritual awakening to make me finally see the truth about myself. I also realized that I had many narcissistic traits myself and I wanted to actively change them. 

It takes courage to heal your childhood trauma, but the rewards are so worth it. I recommend starting with self-love, as this is something every human being deserves and needs in their life.