Best Canned Bloody Marys

Horseradish, Worcestershire sauce, and Tabasco are just some of the ingredients in the best canned Bloody Marys.

Best Canned Bloody Marys

My dad Devon Thomas lets me have alcohol so long as it's supervised. Lately, he's been seeing a woman named Chica Reyass, and she's mellowed him out so much that he's just a cool dude to hang out around. I no longer have to be as guarded as I was before. How guarded? When he'd ask me, "How are you feeling?" I'd say, "I feel how I feel." The alcohol was his way to try to get me to loosen up and think he was cool.

OH, HE TRIED SO HARD TO BE COOL! He was keeping a bunch of air fresheners in his glove compartment so that he'd always be able to stay fresh with these unique car air fresheners. And he bought a bunch of shift knobs so that he was always able to swap gears with these hilarious shift knobs. He was just switching shift knobs every week; sometimes several times during a single day! But now that he's mellow we can just hang out and enjoy the best canned Bloody Marys.

Now that's a spicy Bloody Mary! This isn't a Bloody Mary mix that tastes like Prego brand marinara sauce. It's got serrano seeds in it to give it plenty of zip! And you don't even need to add vodka to it because it's already in there. With 10 percent ABV, this is one of the best canned Bloody Marys for sure!

This original is also a classic. Tomatoes, lemon juice, black pepper, and sea salt. Sometimes that's all you need! And if you want more feel free to add Worcestershire sauce and/or horseradish. I'm known to sometimes just drink this stuff straight without any alcohol. How am I known for that? Because my dad once pulled up in front of the school and yelled, "Baby Boy Jarret, you forgot one of the best canned Bloody Marys!" Even though he does that a lot, it never stops my face from turning red like a tomato.

This is one of the best canned Bloody Marys thanks to all the flavors dancing on your pallet. That's because this is a Bloody Mary mix that's not short on ingredients! It's got a vegetable juice blend, plenty of spices, Worcestershire Sauce, and even anchovies. If I wanted to make this on my own I'd have to mix so many ingredients, so it's good that these come in cans so that I can have just the right amount of everything without having to pack my mom's fridge with ingredients. And she would not like that; she's a bit of a control freak!

"True friends bring out your magnificence." That's a poster hanging up in my school's nurse's office (I'm there a lot because I keep getting hit in the face with sports equipment and then my nose bleeds). If you want to be true friends with this Campbell's tomato juice than you can turn it into one of the best canned Bloody Marys. All you have to do is spice it how you like it, which is also the chorus of my parody of Migos' "Walk It Like I Talk It." Horseradish, Worcestershire sauce, and hot sauce are just some of the ingredients I'd sprinkle into this tomato juice before helping it make its grand entrance into society. It's like My Fair Lady but with tomato juice.

For some people, the best canned Bloody Mary mix comes with anchovies or clam juice. But how much do you add? Clamato takes care of the fish math; all you have to do is season it to your heart's content. Also, "Clamato" is a great pun. Much better than Tomclamo. R.I.P. Tomclamo. They tried so hard to take down Clamato, but they lost the war before the first bullet was ever even shot.

Too many people rag on V8, but I love it! I don't drink it regularly, but, every once in a while, I just have a hunger for that spicy vegetable blend. And, sure, I can add some vodka to it if dad's around to monitor my alcohol consumption, but I can also just enjoy it straight. A tasty meal replacement on a hot day!

This can is an eco-friendly paper box, which fits with buzzbox's M.O. of providing all natural, GMO-free cocktails. Buzzbox wants to keep things so unadorned that they don't even capitalize their own name! It's a real humble approach for a company that's won so many awards; they took home platinum and gold medals from MicroLiquer and the Sip Awards in 2016, 2017, and 2018. If anyone's going to be one of the best canned Bloody Marys it makes sense it's going to be the company with all the awards! And you bet your sweet buns that if I was a Bloody Mary that won a platinum Sip Award I'd wear that to school for five days straight. "Oh, this? It's nothing; I'm just one of the best canned Bloody Marys!"

Or... Bloody Mary Crate!

This crate of Bloody Mary goodies will turn any canned tomato juice into the best canned Bloody Mary. It comes with pepperoni straws, bacon rim shots, and all the seasoning you could ask for. Your guests will think you have a fully stocked bar at your disposal! Or, more particularly in my case, my guests will think, "It's cool that your dad lets us drink here, but it would be even cooler if we could play with the best tactical pens you didn't know you needed." And then I have to explain to them that those pens are not a toy and that they can literally pierce the throat of your attackers or friends. I'm good at not succumbing to peer pressure, so they'll either accept the rules or leave. I'm not too worried either way because, as I said, I know that true friends bring out your magnificence. I'm okay with losing some friends who aren't true, and the best canned Bloody Marys will help with the sting.

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Jarret Thomas

High schooler on the verge of re-invention. Son of Devon Thomas.

See all posts by Jarret Thomas