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Swap Gears with These Hilarious Shift Knobs

I'm trying to make my car cooler to impress my son so I need one of these hilarious shift knobs!

By Devon ThomasPublished 6 years ago 6 min read

I drive a Nissan Sentra. It's far from a cool car, and my son Jarret lets me know that every time I pick him up. There's not much I can do about it other than outfitting my car with a few cool accessories. I bought some chrome skull valve caps but the kids in my neighborhood stole them! So, now I'm looking at shift knobs because they're a way to communicate to my son, "Hey, I'm a cool guy," without breaking the bank or inviting thieves.

I'm going to shoot you with my car; bang bang! This is one of the shift knobs in my collection because guns are such a huge of Jarret's love! He plays first-person shooters, goes paint-balling, and he loves movies with guns in them. If he could be a gun, maybe he would be! Sure, his mother and insist that he wear a bulletproof vest to school until the government passes some possible gun control solutions, but that doesn't make him love guns any less. Even his favorite toys growing up had guns!

"What do you think if your old man had a car that was a gun?" "I'd think you were cheated out of you money, or were confused about how guns and cars work." My son Jarret loves me enough to be a straight shooter all the time! THAT'S ANOTHER WAY HE LOVES GUNS!

During the summer of '16, Jarret and I drove around playing Pokémon Go. Sometimes we'd stop at a spot near the beach where there was a lot of rare Pokémon and just drive back and forth until he'd collected them all. We knew it was a hot spot because a lot of the older kids were there too. That was a highlight of that year for sure!

I installed a Pokéball shift knob, called my car the Poké Mobile, and told Jarret that he and I were the PokéGang. He didn't play along, but he liked all the Pokémon I helped him catch! The Pokéball is still in my collection of gear shift knobs.

I bought this gear shift knob in anticipation of giving Jarret a sex talk. There were other, more graphic gear shift knobs of women, but this one is focused on the woman's pleasure and that's what I want to teach Jarret about using this gear shift knob. Although, I don't want to assume what Jarret's sexual identity is. I will just teach Jarret how society tries to control women's pleasure and agency. It's really unfair. That's why there's so many things women are expected to do at work but shouldn't.

"My car is a sword; bang bang!" "I'm going to cut through traffic like a hot knife through butter; bang bang!" I have several shift knobs that I use based on what kind of movie Jarret and I are going to see. There's a second run theater driving distance away that shows old kung-fu movies, and a lot of those have swords. I told Jarret that if he ever wants to study Aikido with me that I totally would be his bushido buddy. He said no, but I've been thinking about taking lessons ever since!

"Can you believe I'm friends with this real cool skull?!" That's what I ask my son whenever I decide to make this the one out of the many shift knobs that I have the shift knob that I use.

"What makes him cool, dad?" And I said, "Look, he's just a skull with a bandana and an eye patch smoking a doobie. Probably I wouldn't be his friend in real life because I'd have nothing in common with him and also he's a skeleton."

Then Jarret said, "Why are you so judgy, dad? You think this skeleton wouldn't read the same books or watch the same movies as you? Maybe he's a very cultured skeleton! Maybe, he's more cultured than you!"

Jarret was right; I was judging that skeleton. That skeleton could have been more kind and empathetic than I've ever been. Who was I to judge? Thank you for that lesson in humility, Jarret. I love you and you're a great son. You make me a better man.

A lot of shift knobs are of skulls, but not a lot of skulls have tongues! I showed this to Jarret and went "Whassup?" like in those old Budweiser commercials, and he had no idea what it was because of how young he is. He'd never even seen anything making fun of those commercials! So, I told him to look them up on Youtube. And I watched it too, and then I watched the Bud Light what's up 8 years later parody where it was the sad version of everyone's life, but then at the end when the guy asks, "So, what's up, B?" he's watching Obama win the election on TV and I just started crying in my car. Jarret thought it was a cool vid too.

I love Deadpool and I cannot lie! This is the only one of the shift knobs that allows me to really break the forth wall. I pick up Jarret and I'm like, "Just another weekend with a dad who you'll only really love when you're older." And then Jarret is stunned and says, "Please don't do this, dad. Dr. Throckmorton said it's really inappropriate when you put the expectation that I love you in a particular way on me." And then I say, "Dad really wants to use humor to deflect but he's not going to because he respects Dr. Throckmorton and you enough to apologize." And then I say sorry. Deadpool is a lot of fun!

Of all the skull shift knobs, this one is the most intimidating and the one most like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting. It looks like she's guarding a treasure. Yeah, I called this skull a "she"! You can't tell the sex of the skull and the skull can identify with whatever pronouns it wants. How do I know it wants to be a "she"? Because she told me when I asked! I'm very respectful of other people and have a great deal of empathy. I know how challenging it is to not feel seen. I'm a real catch! And I'm looking for love.

I identify the most with this little monk out of all the gear shift knobs. I always have to remind myself to not say so much! Whether it be around Jarret, or online as I'm hoping to find love. Sure, I know how to write opening lines that will get a response on dating apps and I know the types of profile pictures you'll see on every dating app so that I don't post the right type of pics, but I need to let go and let universe. I don't need to be so controlling. I need to be more open to what the universe sends my way. And that means doing more with fewer words.

This feels like the best of all the shift knobs. You've found a middle way and are able to tap into a stillness that helps you help others along their journey in this thing called life. You are the laughing Buddha who appreciates the absurd while also respecting the challenge of living with absurdity. I use this one most often. Namaste.


About the Creator

Devon Thomas

Long commutes means lots of tunes and podcasts. Daydreamer and people watcher.

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