Best Tactical Pens You Didn't Know You Needed

I know the coolest things you can buy at a military surplus store because that's where I go to buy clothes on the cheap. The daytime floor manager gives off a real strong History of Violence vibe. I told him a little about myself––that I have a son in the 9th grade named Jarret and that I'm dipping my toes into online dating—and he said that the best way to impress a date was with one of the best tactical pens on the market. He showed me a pen that had a handcuff key and said, "You never know when you might need this." I asked him what kind of date ends in handcuffs. And he said, "A good one!" We both laughed, I bought that pen, and on my way to my car I wondered if he'd ever killed anyone.

Wowie Zowie! The Gerber impromptu tactical pen does it all. You can write in all positions, in dry or wet conditions, you can punch through a window with the tempered steel tip, and the whole machined steel body is heavy enough that it can be a self-defense weapon! You can jab it in any part of someone's body and do real damage! I texted this pen to Jarret and he said, "That's a pen for babies!" And I said, "Killer babies!" But he didn't respond.

This is one of the best tactical pens because it's got so much going for it. An LED flashlight, a flat-head screwdriver, a hex wrench, a bottle opener and, of course, you can stab someone with it in self-defense and use it to break glass. This tactical pen is a bit of an overachiever, but when we're talking safety, you can never be too safe!

The pen is mightier than the sword. Especially when it has a personal protection tip so that you can use it stab someone who's breaking into one of the best safes for your home. Then you can immediately use this model as a stylus. Maybe to write contemporaneous notes about the stabbing that just occurred! This makes it one of the best tactical pens for sure.

"Any last words?" "Only written ones!" STAB! Hey, if you're going to have one of the best tactical pens, then you might as well bring the quips. This pen has a gnarled grip; all the better to stab you with! Also, it's a real classy pen made of aerospace grade aluminum, which makes it one of the best tactical pens on the market. Perfect for fending off amateur criminals who want to steal the most expensive dog collars you can buy your pooch.

This pen can stab and break glass, which you should expect both from a tactical pen and from Hardcore Hardware, which creates tactical gear for military and law enforcement. This pen has a gnarled grip and its anodized aluminum is a non-reflective black. That means that whoever you stab won't even see the stab coming!

I texted my son, "This is perfect for when our society dips into The Road." And he said, "STOP SCARING ME YOU ARE WHY I HAVE SO MANY FEARS!" and then I took a really deep breath because he was right. I texted him back, "I'm sorry, I had no idea until just right now." And he replied, "OMG HOW CAN YOU BE SO DENSE?!" And I just started to feel really bad, and I said, "We can talk about this during a joint session with Dr. Throckmorton," and he said, "It's all I talk about any time I see her." Wow. That exchange was as hardcore as this pen.

This pen can be either a standard rollerball pen or a fountain pen. Plus you can stab someone through the throat with it. It's one of the best tactical pens around! My concern is that whenever I write I end up smudging what I just wrote with the rest of my hand. Also, that I'd mess up stabbing someone. It sounds like it'd be harder than I think it is!

This pen will help you break out of handcuffs because of the hidden handcuff key, and then you can use it to stab your captors thanks to its aircraft aluminum body. And if this is all happening in a car that careens into a body of water you can then use the glass breaker to escape. That makes this one of the best tactical pens. It's worthy of Mission Impossible!

This is a pen you use to stab someone. It even has a flattened top that you can use as a thumb stop when you're done stabbing. It's also just a really great, beautiful pen. It's the sort of pen an architect or a doctor would use to stab someone. And even if it's never used as a weapon, you can say to someone that it would be and the dignity of the pen would make them believe you. That's what makes this one of the best tactical pens.

Award-winning knife designer Allen Elishewitz made this triple threat tactical pen. The cap is strong enough that a blow to the head would be disorienting. The butt of the pen can disable someone if you know the right pressure point. And the point of the pen is perfect for stabbing. Wow.

I'm intimidated by this pen. In a quorum, I would defer to this pen. It goes without saying that it's one of the best tactical pens. I showed Jarret that I had this pen in my Amazon cart and he said, "Are you sure you wouldn't belong to the pen?" Woof, I still feel the heat off that burn.

This permanent marker will make a permanent impact if you use it as a weapon. Its walls are 4 times the thickness of an average marker and it's made out of high impact plastic. Jarret told his mother I had some pens that could be used as weapons and she didn't believe him at first. Then she saw me using this marker to write my name on some boxes as we were splitting up the contents of an old storage locker. She looked at me with surprise and a hint of intrigue. That makes this one of the best tactical pens on the market!