You're Too .......

Bald Head! I remember hearing those words in class. It was my second week at the high school in New Jersey. I was so young and naive that I did not understand the meaning of the term and thought that this boy was calling me bald headed. I responded that he needed to look at himself since he had no hair whatsoever. I later learned that the term Bald Head meant basically I was being told that I was too European and part of the establishment. I was so hurt by those words but I was not sure why they hurt so deeply.

Working in the States was a whole different situation. I was never without work. Many times, I knew that I was not the best candidate for the position but I ticked all the right boxes. I learned to conform; and the first thing I did towards that was lose my braids; and after that it was smooth sailing. I was black, I was British and I was the right complexion. My employers could cover all the bases for equal employment. They hired a minority, a woman and a foreigner, and my skin tone made them feel comfortable. It helped that I was also very non assuming.

I learned quickly over the years. I noticed that there were many people of color who just assumed that I was 'faking' my accent to get attention so I would deliberately try and dampen my strong East Midlands accent when I was around other people of color. I also saw that I was considered 'conceited' because of my complexion. I was often called 'white' even though both my parents were Jamaican, and I had a light complexion.

Living in America was a difficult tightrope to walk but I slowly learned.I learned to play the game. When around people of color, I spoke a certain way and wore my braids with pride. When out in the world and at work I spoke with my English accent. I wore my hair in weaves and played the part. It was exhausting living this way.

That life seems so far away now, times have changed for the better in some ways. Many employers still do not accept braids or natural hairstyles but its the 21st century and the times are a changing. I also no longer have to worry about being 'too light skinned'.

I am no longer told that I am a 'bald head' I now have a new challenge. Instead of employers not accepting me because of my braids. I now find that I am being told I need to accept my natural coils. There is an awakening of blackness. Braids are acceptable to some people of color but to others it seems they are as bad as wigs and weaves. Not only must I accept my coils I must now let them dread. Life is indeed a challenge to be black and British.

I now find myself talking to my sons. I tell them the same things that my parents told me. When in public speak a certain way. Keep your hair short and do not upset the status quo. But, these are different times, the younger generation do not worry about the things that I once worried about. This is a good thing because we are learning that we are all part of a greater community and we come in all shapes colors and sizes. My sons have the confidence that I did not have.

As I get older, I am more content in my life. I no longer care if I am too dark, too light skinned, or speak with an accent. I am me I am Black British and proud.