What it's like being a queer, autistic, adhd, mom

You read that title correctly. It's a mouthful, I know. I get major imposter syndrome anytime I occupy space in any of these arenas. It wasn't till covidgate 2020 when I, along with the rest of the world, turned to TikTok. Whether for dissociation, education, dance challenges, or humor(the best medicine for a pandemic sized sadness), TikTok had it all. That's how I realized I was ADHD. Throw off every stereotypical, meme- worthy idea you have about ADHD because it is SO much more than an issue with holding attention. That's why, when I suddenly started seeing creators talk about their ADHD, I was like, "Holy Crap! That's me!" I had simultaneously found my people(Thanks TikTok algorithm) and discovered a new, more vulnerable version if myself. And that was just the tip of the iceberg my friends.

Not long after my ADHD diagnosis and the miracle drug that helped provide some much needed focus and clarity to my very cloudy and scattered mind, did I begin to realize more about myself. Cue the trendy, "A,B,C,D,E,F U" song that was commandeered by the alphabet mafia and used as an anthem for coming out and doing so with pride. (Damn, that song is catchy). Suddenly, I'm seeing all of these "late in life" lesbians finally out and living their truth. I found myself so drawn(almost obsessively) to the stories of these women and so captivated by their strength and transformation. But I began to also feel an itch, or agitation bubbling up from deep within myself. It's like, you know when you shake a can of soda and pull the tab open- the inevitable eruption of carbonation and sugar and syrup ensues. That's like what was happening with me. My insides were being shaken up and I was waiting for the tab to be pulled so my rainbow innards would be exposed. Instead, I left the didn't pull the tab open. I left it on the counter to settle and eventually lose its carbonation altogether. That continued for a few months until so much was shaken up that the tab stood no chancing of holding it all in.

The result of this awakening has been a process of emotions ranging from, fear, doubt, hatred of self, worry, to numb, neglect, and then acceptance to now, somewhat settled and trying to embrace all that the soda geyser revealed in its wake. There's so so SO much more to this story(as it is ongoing) but that's for another time.

About six months after this, my TikTok algorithm has basically connected me with my clones. Sure, they look different, but they also look and feel remarkable akin to myself. It's comforting and creepy at the same time. I thought I was pegged because here's what my "for you" page consisted of: Liberal, ADHD, Lesbian married to a straight white man, mom of two deconstructing her fundamentalist christian upbringing. (Does that ring a bell to anyone? If so, let's chat.) Anyway, I thought I had discovered the place and the people I had always been looking for . The stray dog made it home. And then... another bell rings.

Now, before I go on, I have to say, though I owe a tremendous amount of my self discovery to the creators and platform of TikTok, I cannot attribute all of the "aha" moments to them. It's a lifetime of experiences and processing. It's seeking help, therapy, medication, and support from friends and family. This confounding cocktail of resources led me to a level of self awareness that I have severely lacked(despite the opposite perception I prided myself on my whole life). The combination of safe spaces, clear thoughts(props to adderall and effexor) and embodiment practices, I was able to tap into the reasons and core causes of the anixety, depression, and deep feelings of disconnection and misunderstanding I have endured. When I thought it was "normal". When I thought, "Everyone is like this." I was finally able to see and feel the answers to the avoiding, evading, questions I didn't know I could ask. That is how I have arrived at yet another piece to the very puzzling puzzle that is "me."

So you get what I mean when I say "imposter syndrome" right? I could essentially represent my own alphabet with all of the titles I call the parts of me. And though I have claimed some and called, "bullshit" to others, ultimately, it's not about the title. It's about occupying the spaces I needed to become a more, healthy, self actualized, and happy person. Do I have it all figured out? Fuck. No. Do I have so much more to learn about myself? Probably more than I can imagine. But, have I added some tools to the proverbial belt? And will I continue to embrace all that I am, no matter how challenging that may be? Well, in the words of Tina Fey, "Start with a 'yes' and see where that takes you."