The Me I hadn't Seen

My given name is Joshua. Now my name is Josephine or Josie for short. I could write about a lot of different moments in my life. When I was offered to go to Broadway by a director but I turned it down to stay in school. When I went into the healthcare profession as a personal caretaker where I discovered a love for helping others. What I want to write about though is my realization of being Josie.

As so many things started for so many people this story begins with the pandemic. While I had briefly thought about how I felt different in highschool I pushed it away. For fear of my peers and not knowing how my family would handle the news. I wasn't certain that they would respond negatively but I also didn't know if they would respond positively either. So I simply pushed it down and chose to ignore it. The pandemic started when I was 32 and it gave me something I hadn't had since high school. Time to think. Since I graduated I had been on the move and working pretty much non-stop. Only really stopping when my body gave out.

But now suddenly my children weren't going to school. I didn't have to wake up with the sun anymore. My normal weekly shopping was being condensed into a single day. Me, my two partners, and our two children were in isolation. With that isolation came more downtime than I had ever had before. That free time allowed me to turn my gaze inward on myself and look at all the things I had managed to ignore for years. As one of my partners put it, "Mother nature sent us all to our rooms and told us to think about ourselves." So that's what I did.

Up on a dusty shelf of my psyche I found that feeling from so long ago. That feeling that I wasn't really being the real me. I sat on that thought alone for two months retreating into myself trying to figure out what that meant. Then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. Being male wasn't being the real me. I felt like a woman. The second that realization hit me so much started to make more sense. So often when I would look in the mirror I would find myself wondering who I was really looking at. I just didn't look correct. I had convinced myself to enjoy my beard and yet I hated it. I always complained about the lack of money to blame for my long hair but secretly I really enjoyed it.

With this realization in mind everything slowly became clearer. I used to be a fairly emotional child but society beat into me that boys don't do emotion so I just didn't. I learned how to stone face my way through everything even when I wanted to be emotional. When I realized who I really was I cried. Truly cried for the first time in almost twenty years. I don't even know for how long but it seemed like it went on forever. When I finally stopped I felt refreshed and renewed.

About a month and a half ago I wrote a poem actually coming out to both my family and the public at large of who I was. I had sat thinking about this for over a year and I finally decided it was time to speak. I have been welcomed with open arms by everyone including my family. But now I can say I've taken the next step in my transition. I actually went shopping for clothes!

The poem I wrote as my coming out poem "Who I am"

First of all, to all women out there I want to apologize. Clothes shopping is bullshit! I had to go through ten different bras just to find ones that actually fit without completely killing me. Though I did get lucky with my dresses. I only had two that just didn't sit well. But the first one I put on that actually fit and I enjoyed the way it sat I almost cried again in the dressing room. My face was bare. My hair was long. My clothes fit my internal self. I actually recognized the person in the mirror. Right then and there everything I had been thinking became a reality.

On that night Joshua left this world. With no ill will or sadness. It simply was his time. In his place was born Josephine. She was happy. Something that Joshua hadn't been in a long time. She could cry, laugh, and express herself in general. Something Joshua hadn't done in a long time. I learned a lot in my time as Joshua, many lessons I'll never forget. However now is the time to forge a new life as Josephine. Now is the time to be the real me.

And since I told all of you that I went dress shopping I think it would be remiss for me not to show off at least a little. Now I will say my partners adored me and my new outfits, I was not as impressed but I definitely still feel very much me.

This piece is only the second non-fiction piece I've written that wasn't a poem. It is also my 100th piece! I can't believe it. To my now 138 subscribers out there I want to thank all of you so much for staying with me on this journey of my writing and me becoming well me. You've all been my inspiration to keep on writing. If you enjoyed this then please heart, subscribe, and feel free to leave a tip. Till next time.