Intersex: The Lost 'I' in LGBTQIA

Intersex is a word most have not heard of, even in the LGBTQIA+ Realm, the "I" is often overlooked, or simply lost. Many not knowing or not understanding what the I stands for. For the few who have heard of Intersex, most directly relate it to Trans, sure some things overlap, but the two are vastly different.

Firstly, what is Intersex? Anyone (Human, animal, alien, whatever) that has physical properties that are both male and female. So what the hell does that mean? For example, the most common obvious 'female' trait, everyone sees day to day are breasts. All shapes, all sizes, some humans go out and get their breasts, enlarged, or reduced, or removed, all different reasons and proposes. Although breasts are not inherently a 'female' trait, seeing as anyone of any gender can grow breasts if they gain enough weight, or have the correct influx of hormones, but that is for later. While one of the most common obvious 'male' traits would be facial hair. Granted, most can grow facial hair, the vast majority of human females have small, soft, nearly invisible facial hair. A few woman even grow it to the point where they feel the need to have it waxed off or plucked out. Again, facial hair is not really a 'male' trait, but seen as such.

So imagine, you are out and about, maybe at a local store or restaurant, and you see someone with large breasts, and a thick beard. Even though it is 2022, many still get off-feelings, or become repulsed by said individuals. Said individual you are looking at, may be intersex, or they may be genderqueer, nonbinary, or androgynous- they are all different names for someone who does not feel they exactly fit the label male or female. Past this, said individual may just be a mundane woman, who just so happens to grow thicker facial hair and not feel the need to conform to modern day beauty standards and shave. Similar to how years ago, most Americans were of the mind that French Woman did not shave, sure, some did not, but most do. It is also possible that said individual is a male, your everyday Joe, who grew breasts unintentionally through some hormone imbalance or health issue. Still, the common conclusion most jump to are that when you see someone with breasts and a beard, that they are trans. Sure, they may be, you never know!

The genuine idea is the same though, Intersex is having male and female physical properties, from birth. We can almost guarantee that you have met someone Intersex before, although you probably did not know it, chances are, they did not know it either. Intersexism, down to the simplest form, could be someone who was born almost entirely female, with one exception, an additional chromosome, or underdeveloped ovaries, or even a partially formed un-descended testicle deep inside of them. It could also be someone who was born almost entirely male, but has a body that appears inherently feminine, lithe, light curves, gentle features, softer higher voice. It could also be someone who does not appear to have either obvious male or female traits.

The possibilities on what makes an intersex individual intersex, is basically limitless. The most well known and albeit rare types of intersex individuals, are those who are 'Hermaphrodites', an outdated term that in itself has various levels and degrees. Of course the simplest way to put it, is that they are 'both', but even being 'both', on the outside, may not be entirely true on the inside, in terms of internal reproductive organs, and the same may apply in reverse. Someone may have both sets of internal reproductive organs, or part of both.

As an Intersex Individual, one who has a very obvious female upper half, and a very obvious male lower half, we are frequently stopped and judged for who we are. (We say 'we', but we are just the one individual.) As someone who is half male and half female, we are expected to hide who we are, attempt to blend in, and do everything possible not to stand out. We have been told that if we want to live as a male, we should have short hair, bind our chest, wear baggy shirts, or even consider having surgery. We have, we did, we do, and yet we are still told we should wear a sign, we should not get upset when others assume we are trans, or be mad when others are openly cruel towards us, attempting to touch different parts of us to see what is 'real'.

We have been told that if we want to live as a female, we should shave everything, wear dresses, and again consider having surgery. We have, we did, we do, and yet, nearly every day, are still told we should 'alert' others of what we really are, we should not get upset when others assume we are a crossdresser, or be mad when strangers ask us very sexual questions, some offering us sexual favors in store bathrooms or asking trying to engage us into their fantasy. No matter what bathroom we go into, we get harsh glares, the large-breasted boy using the urinal, the well hung guy in the pinstripe suit walking into a woman's stall. No matter what we wear, no matter what we do, we stand out, there is no winning for us.

At a certain point, we started being outright told we needed to have surgery, to conform to one gender or another, even though the same people argue that trans individuals "will never be" this that or the other thing "simply because they had surgery." The double standards are unbelievable, and we refuse to have surgeries to alter our body just to please others. We are not XY or XX, an argument that is frequently used against us, and all different types of Individuals on the LGBTQIA+ scale. Humans that do not know us, argue our own genetics against us. How many of these humans have ever tested their DNA? They live one way, they way they were raised, they way they were taught to be, but what would these humans do if they were tested and found positive of being Intersex? Would they hide it? Would they embrace it? Would they chance who they are? Would they stay the same? Or would it just open them up a bit more, to be more understanding?

Most Intersex individuals live their entire lives not knowing they are Intersex, many find out while being screened for an illness, or tested for fertility. Yes, most intersex individuals can still have their own biological offspring. There is no clear condition stating those who can and those who cannot, it is all by the individual, and since the Intersex Spectrum is so vast, you may never meet two individuals with the same variations of intersex.

The Intersex Spectrum do not always include those who have male and female attributes. There are plenty of intersex individuals who have neither male or female attributes, and are left looking not just extremely androgynous, but have ambiguous genitalia. Dating can be hard for anyone, but imagine trying to exist simply as yourself, and not being accepted. Being told no one will love you or accept you, because you do not fit in a simple box. Told nearly every day by friends and family from birth, that one day you will have to decide to have this surgery or this surgery. Such harassment is a luxury many intersex children do not get, as their parents decide for them and hide it from them.

When you are trans, you are male or female. Transmen are men, transwoman are women. Hormones and/or surgery or not, they are what they are, but they can always find someone who accepts them or understands their struggles. Fortunately in most cases, once a trans individual has fully transited (once they become their true self- their presentation reflecting their inner self) they can live their life without others knowing as soon as they walk into a room. For many intersex individuals, we do not get that. There is no "just one more hill to get over" before we become our true selves, we already are. There is nothing to fix or change. We simply remain in a state of social unacceptance.

Now, some Intersex individuals are also trans, they are born intersex, but identify as one gender or another and wish to adjust to be that gender. However, being intersex does not automatically mean being trans, and many intersex individuals who do conform to one gender or another, do not see themselves as trans, since they are intersex, they are physically born part of that gender, they just need the extra step to get themselves comfortable being that.

So, wait a minute... Part of that gender? What does that mean? Is Intersex male gender or female gender? Well, both and neither! Intersex is its own separate gender, since it is neither male or female. Intersex is what the word itself says: a sex. Of course many will ramble on about the "there are only two genders" illusion. Well no, there is a difference between sex and gender. Intersex is a Sex and a Gender Identity. On the argument of "there are only two sexes" since Intersex is a sex, and a fairly common one at that, that means there is at least three sexes.

Sex VS gender. Ohhh this always seems to be a big one. So, biologically speaking, you can be male, female, or intersex, those are the sexes. In terms of genders or gender identities, there would be (to keep it simple) four genders. Male, Female, Intersex, and Other. "Other" is currently the umbrella term for Genderqueer, Gender-nonbinary, Gender-nonconforming, and Genderfluid; basically those who do not identify as male or female, or strictly male or female. They sometimes identify as both or neither. We say "Other" as there is an array of ways to present yourself in terms of non-specific genders, one such example would be semi feminine with an androgynous lean. Another example would be mostly masculine with some a slight feminine presentation; I.E. dressing as a male but wearing heels or makeup. This is limited only by each individual's own comfort zones and desires.

So wait a minute, what about transgender? Isn't transgender a gender or sex too? No, Transgender is not a gender or sex, despite its name. When someone is trans they are either male, female, intersex, or other. Generally, trans woman are female while trans men are male. They do not put "trans" as their gender identity, they merely identify with the gender opposite of what they were physically born, that does not mean they are their own separate gender, in fact, most trans people HATE to be separated as such.

To put it simply. When you fill out an application, and it asks for your gender, a trans person will not put "trans", they will put Male, Female, or Other, depending on what their gender identity is. Think about most forms you fill out, like at the DMV. M, F, Other. "Transgender Man", "Transgender Woman" are now becoming options on dating sites. So if trans is not a gender, why is that becoming an option on different dating sites? There are two reasons for this. The nicer reason, is that some Trans Individuals openly state and identify that they are trans, although outside of bringing LGBTQIA+ Awareness and attending LGBTQIA+ events, most trans individuals simply state the gender they identify by, they do not go around stating they are a transgender woman/transgender man.

What was the other reason though? Well, it was made to feel more inclusive, but in reality, it just brings about prejudice. The trans option on dating sites makes it so others can date trans individuals without any "unwelcome surprises" that unfortunately many still see as "deceitful" or "disgusting". On the opposite side of this scale, there are individuals who specifically seek out trans individuals, viewing them as more of a kink or fetish, and although it may come off as flattering to some, most who experience this do not enjoy being seen as as specialty item.

Sadly many applications do not have Other or Intersex as an option, and ones that do have other, do not have Intersex, it is a very limiting. In terms of being offense, we are often referred to an "It" behind our back, in a human's tiny and petty way of trying to demean us, and make themselves feel more powerful. The joke is on them though, since It, is our primary pronoun, besides he/him/his, and they/them, so without realizing it, they are doing what we want- although this is not the case with more intersex individuals. If you have doubts about someone you are talking to, just ask them, but do it in a way that makes it seem like you are trying to be kind, not cruel. Or you can just ask their name, and use their name. When in doubt, use they/them, they are gender neutral terms. We know, many want to cry out "they is for plural only!" but it is not, it also applies to an unknown entity. For example: "Someone left a love note on the desk, but they did not sign their name." Another example: "The teacher finally went home, it was long past the time for them to leave."

So wait a minute... what about Asexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Demisexual, Morosexual, Sapiosexual, Aromantic, and what not? These are NOT sexes OR genders! They are sexualities! So what does that mean? Someone, who is Male/Female/Intersex/Other can be any of the sexualities listed above. Someone who is of the male sex, can have the gender identity of male, and be bisexual- all this means is that the man, identifies with his birth sex, and is attracted to both males and females. While someone who is of the female sex, can have the gender identity of genderfluid, and be asexual- all this means is that the woman, sometimes goes by she/her pronouns, and is not sexual attracted to anyone.

Exactly how does this apply to Intersex Individuals being neither and/or both male and female? Well, sometimes it can be harder for us, sometimes it can be easy. Since Intersex is a sex and gender, you can be born intersex, identify as intersex, and then be demisexual. Or you can be born Intersex, identify as gender nonbinary, and be aromantic. Everyone is a mix and match of things! What about trans? Well, someone can be born female, identify as male, and be gay. So can an Intersex Individual who is mostly physically male be a lesbian? Well yes, since they are intersex, they are physically, and biologically partially female, even if they are physically mostly male. Someone who is born Intersex may identify as male and trans and be straight.

So Intersex VS Trans, what exactly IS the difference? If you are intersex, you are born intersex, and for the most part, you do not want to change yourself. If you are trans, you are born one sex, and you wish to physically change and present as another. Simple! So what about Cis? Cis just means you are not trans. Just as most trans individuals do not go around announcing they are trans, most cis individuals do not go around announcing they are cis, as it is not really part of someone's identity.

As a proud intersex individual, we think we look good, we love ourself as we are! We wear tight shirts, and tiny shorts. We wear high heels, wigs, makeup, suits, we do not shave our underarms, or pluck our eyebrows. We go out, we get compliments on how we dress, as well as insults. We get stopped and told how cool we look, how brave we are to dress so extremely, how much others wish they could dress as boldly as us, or look as cool and fashionable as we do. Same place, different person, we could be yelled at, told that someone like us should not be allowed to wear shorts, it is too sexual, we cannot wear skirts or dresses, it is too "dishonest", we cannot do this, we cannot do that. We do not care. We stopped caring years ago. As a goth, we enjoy dressing extremely. We hear all sorts of reasons for this too, that we "just do it for the attention", or that we "simply want to make others uncomfortable", we have even had a few approach us with claims that we do it to corrupt their children/husbands/wives/morals.

So why do we dress the way we do? Because we LOVE it! It is fun, it is part of who we are! If we were rich, we would probably wear medieval armor or something crazy! Why? Why not! Life is short! We dress to please ourself, not others. Trying and failing to dress to make others more comfortable, when they are still obviously glaring judgingly at us does not do anything except hide who we are, and stress us out. Why should we have to hide ourself or apologize for how we were born?

To end this on a note of awareness... Countless Intersex children are forced to have surgeries shortly after they are born, to conform the the ideals of others, to make others more comfortable. In an aimless, pointless, and futile attempt to make others feel better about their sad little lives and limited knowledge, children suffer. One of the biggest arguments for this, is the dismissive "Intersex is a disorder", "Intersex is not a gender", and of course "there are only two sexes". There are thousands of intersex people, hundreds of thousands, and we are NOT a disorder. Intersex is a sex and a gender, just as male and female are. Intersex is not by any means "new", Intersex individuals have been around long before humans were even living in civilized cities! We are born the same as everyone else, and we simply wish to exist like everyone else. If you meet someone who is intersex, or you suspect may be intersex, please be kind, life is very hard for us. Yes life is hard for everyone, but we are constantly being denied our very existence down to our general genetics! So please, consider this, and just know, you, or someone you know, may be Intersex. You never know.