I Am Allowed To Be Who I Am

It has taken a long time to embrace my sexuality, and I am still learning to embrace it at 47 years old.

I remember the day before I was getting married to my man. I didn't come out to him until the day before we got married because I wasn't sure how he would take me.

With some gut-wrenching nerves, I told him,

"I need to tell you that I'm bisexual. You can walk away now if you want."

Today, I feel those words were harsh on myself and my husband, though his reaction shocked me.

"It's okay, I love you. I can accept that, and we are still getting married, anyway."

On June 25th 1999, I walked down that aisle, pregnant with my daughter, with a proud smile on my face; though I still couldn't shake the nerves or uncomfortable feelings around my sexuality.

"What if he decides to try and change me later?"

This question kept returning to me, even many years after we settled into our marriage.

He accepted me as a whole, even though he had questions; he never pushed me but allowed me to answer them in my own time.

As the years went by, I still didn't come out fully. My husband knew that I was intensely attracted to both men and women on a deep level because, although I tried to hide my attraction when out and about. I found it impossible to avert my eyes when I became attracted to a woman.

I kept repeating the following sentence to try and help me to accept my sexuality as a whole,

"I am allowed to be who I am."

I try to embrace myself as a whole person today, but it is challenging when I am faced with negative comments.

"You can't be bi-sexual if you are married, because that is cheating."

My sexuality does not change simply because I chose to spend the rest of my life with a man. I chose to marry my man because I love him.

I still have strong, emotional and sexual feelings for women, despite being married. I used to try and keep my head down when I was attracted to a woman because of negative comments about my sexuality and my marriage,

but what is the point of that? It only hides who I am.

The fact that I am a married woman who is bi-sexual does not make me a 'cheat.'

Sure, my husband and I explore ways of being able to deal with it so that I can be my entire sexual self without feeling bad about myself or feeling guilty for having strong sexual and emotional feelings towards women, but that does not mean I am cheating.

Cheating to us means having sex with others without the agreement of the other other person. When we explore sexuality, we explore it in ways that we both agree with and within the boundaries of what makes both of us comfortable.

Staying in the closet for the rest of my life just because other people disagree with my sexuality and my marriage is unhealthy for me.

I have suffered a lot of depression and insecurities over the years because I have felt limited in my interactions with other women. After all, society told me I must not be allowed to have feelings or explore my full sexuality because I chose to marry a man.

The point is, that was my choice. I get to choose who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but society does not get to dictate my feelings or my sexual orientation.

Society does not get to decide who I am allowed to be attracted to, and who I am not, neither does the church.

I was christened, though I do not follow my religion in the same way that others do. I was christened as a baby before I could speak and have a say in it. As I grew older, I realized it wasn't for me.

Even if I chose to follow Christianity. I would have walked away if I was discriminated because of my sexual orientation.

Today I am learning to accept myself, although I still feel a little awkward.

I am embracing both my sexual orientation and my marriage, because at the end of the day, they are both a part of who I am.

When I go out, I am not as afraid to show a woman that I am attracted to her as much as I used to be.

I feel a little bit freer to be who I am every day in the company of other bi-sexual females, many who can fully accept that I am married, and many who are married themselves.

It isn't healthy to keep pushing myself back into the closet because society is uncomfortable with it. After all, psychiatrists and psychologists are very good at preaching to people,

"Just be yourself."

This means allowing a person to be who they are without judgement or assumptions that they are not normal, just because they don't fit society's version of social norms.

What might be right for one society group, doesn't mean that it fits everybody's group,

So today, I am going to learn to get comfortable with saying,

"I am allowed to be who I am."

Because everybody has a right to feel comfortable in their own skin.