Coming out as Gay to My Mum Was Completely Horrendous

Hey, Mum. I never told you this before, but I am gay. I have suspected that I have been for a while. It started with the dreams, at first. I thought I was a man in the dreams seducing women, but soon I realised I was still female. I dreamed about being with women; it took me years to discover why. I kept it to myself; I felt embarrassed to share this with anyone. I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me.

I tried so hard to be a good daughter and follow the life you wanted for me. I dated many men; I put aside that I never loved any of them; I thought I was incapable of love. I enjoyed being with them, but something was always missing from my life. Finally, I married a man I didn't love, because I thought it was the thing to do. I wanted children, so a man was needed, at least that's what I thought.

When he couldn't give me children, I was lost. I was stuck in a relationship I never wanted to be in, and now I could not fulfil my dreams. And yes, the dreams kept coming all those times with a beautiful dark-haired woman who drove me crazy.

The end of the marriage was the day I found out I couldn't have children. Still, I tried to be the perfect daughter and make it work. I was an idiot. A friend once told me that she was worried I would wake up in my fifties and be depressed, knowing I was stuck with someone I didn't love with no chance of a family. At the time, she knew me better than I knew myself. It didn't stop her from disowning me when I moved in with a woman like so many others.

Then it happened, I fell in love. Yes, it was with a woman. I fought the feelings, I didn't want to let you down and disappoint you, but the feelings were too strong. Finally, I fell in love for the first time in my life. I knew the butterflies in the stomach that everyone mentioned when you saw the person of your dreams. I knew what it meant to give your heart to another and realise they held it in their hand. I'm sorry it wasn't with a man like you hoped.

The day I admitted to her and myself that I was gay was when my life started. I stopped living a lie and started being me. Then my family and friends fled from my life. I had to live because no one liked the real me. Except for me, I like myself for the first time.

Was I always gay? I don't know. All I know is that now I am happy and have everything I want because, ironically, it was easier to have the children I craved with a woman than with a man.

Most of all, though, mum, I am sorry for how you found out. I should have sat down and talked to you like we always did. I should have told you one to one, but instead, I had to text you and tell you. I was forced into a corner; I was so scared that someone would tell you before me. So I took the chance that me telling you any way I could was better than hearing it from someone else.

This is the conversation I wish I had with you rather than what I did. So I am sorry, not sorry I am gay, but sorry you found out the way you did.

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