I Never Realised Before I Came Out That ....

There are many things over the years that I have become accustomed to since coming out. Some of them have caused me many sleepless nights. Some have made me and my partner chuckle. In my innocent mind, I never thought any of these would be an issue.

Not everyone accepts your sexuality.

I came out at the age of 40. I know that many people thought I was going through a mid-life crisis. News flash, mid-life is now your 50s. I still have time to shave my hair and buy a Harley Davidson.

Many of my friends and family thought it was a phase I would outgrow. But, unfortunately, they failed to realise that the rest of my life had been a lie. Now I was exactly where I needed to be. I wasn’t going through a phase; I had fallen in love with the most amazing woman ever.

Exes always appear.

I am well aware that we live in a small area of the world; we would inevitably meet up with people we know. Since becoming gay, though, our ex-partners appear to be everywhere. I even went into the chemist a couple of months ago and bumped into my ex-husband. What is that all about? It isn’t just me; whenever we leave the house, one of her ex-relationships appears.

This is even without going to events such as Pride, where you are guaranteed to meet your ex-partners and everyone else’s. The gay community is still tiny. For this, though, I am proud. Proud to be part of such an exclusive tight community.

Once a month is hell.

It is a well-known fact that women who live together regulate their cycles. This happens whether you are living at home with mum or in shared lodgings with friends. It is part of how incredible the female body is.

Not so wonderful when you are in a same-sex relationship. In our house once a month, we both have premenstrual tension at the same time. The arguments are legendary. We are both in pain at the same time. But, at least we are both in the same place sexually, most of the time. There is a clear distinction between horny and leave me the hell alone, and it happens simultaneously.

I can’t order fish or prawn dishes anymore.

If like me you have straight friends who think they are funny. Okay, sometimes they are funny. But, you will find that every time you order anything fishy or containing prawns, a little laugh goes around. In my last workplace, I used to eat sushi every lunch, so I could say that my fingers smelt all fishy. I liked to set them up for the laugh and ridicule at an early stage. Plus, it is much harder to carry a joke on when you create it.

Asking rude comments

Not as funny as the fish jokes are the questions that people think they have a right to ask you. For example, when my daughters were born, everyone wanted to know how they were conceived. However, you don’t see straight couples being asked:

What position did you use to conceive?

Why do people think they have the right to ask a same-sex couple?

I once had a health visitor ask me what I would like to be known as — them or it. I tried to explain to her that I was gay, so I still identified as female. She didn’t get it at all; she believed that because we were two females having a family, one of us must identify as a man.

The other comment I hear about once a week, yawn, is why you use a vibrator if you want to be with a girl. Well, hello, it is about the whole package, not about the equipment.

If you want cock so much, you should be with a man?

It might be cock I want, but I don’t want a man.

Men want to convert you.

Whilst we are talking about men, let’s mention all the men that presume I am only gay because I have never had a real man. One night with them will convert me ultimately. I like to point out to these idiots that I was with men for twenty years before I slept with a woman. All the nasty male sex made me gay.

Wonder how they would react if a gay man tried to convert them.

I have nothing in common with other women.

If you don’t want to have a conversation about makeup and the latest Hollywood hunk, you struggle to talk to most females.

There is also the constant paranoia that comes with other women. If I am talking to their man, I must be after him. So, no, I don’t fancy men.

If I pay another woman a compliment, then I must fancy her.

I often joke that, as a bisexual woman, the only people I am safe having a friendship with are gay men.

Men can make jokes; women can’t

This week, I sat having lunch with my work colleagues, and the subject of the gorgeous Nigella Lawson comes up. Jokes went backwards and forwards with a male member of staff and me, how we didn’t know she cooked. People took offence to me making Nigella into a sexualised character, but not my male colleague. Let’s all be honest here; Nigella knows precisely what she is doing on her programs, which is why she is such a success.

The biggest one of all

You can’t fake anything in the bedroom. Partners know immediately. Not that I have had any need to fake anything, but I deserved an Oscar when I was with men.

I may have been naïve before my coming out, but these are the little funny things that have struck me on my journey. I hope you nodded to some of them and chuckled at others. What is the one thing you never realised?

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