Alone

For the first time in my life today, I walked home completley alone.

That might sound bizarre and a little cryptic to some but it's as simple as it seems.

But have never had a day in my life that my whereabouts were either not known or strictly monitored. I have never gone anywhere without someone knowing where, when or why. Without someone being on the phone with me for the journey, or for a little while, I have not been allowed to go in the first place.

Today, I kissed my loving boyfriend goodbye and navigated my way to a new part of town neither of us had been, on my own. And while I may have let him know I was there, I didn't even think to let him know that I was walking back or when I would be home. Instead I just walked into our flat, let myself in and found myself greeted with a smile.

No questions, no accusations, no frets or worries. Just an easy question wondering how my time was.

I'm not going to pretend it didn't make me anxious. You see when you are never alone or allowed to be alone it instils a primal fear in you that terrible things will happen if you are a) alone, b) are not in constant communication and if you c) walk into an environment where someone else has also been alone, doing whatever it is they do when they are alone.

And it's funny because I used to simply say that I was just an anxious person who couldn't cope on their own and my boyfriend would disagree avidly. He would smile and say 'you just don't think you can be, but you can. You can do anything you want to do' and really, the gravity of his words never really touched me much. Because what does he know? he's never been anxious, he's always been a free spirit, a stray cat that does as he likes when he likes.

But really, I think I get it now. I have set myself up for failure, in choosing to beleive the anxieties forced upon me to infringe on my autonomy. And I can actually be alone, and autonomous and exist in my own world without anything bad happening or without it severing our connection to one another.

I struggled to understand the difference between love and control for a very long time. As someone who has been excessively controlled throughout most of their adult life and entire teenage life by people who have claimed to love me, I suppose the two just kind of blended together in a way that seemed to make sense. So when my boyfriend seems entirely unbothered about me making plans and walking back alone, it triggers a deep confusion in me that I have to activley reconstruct.

So again, his statement of 'you can do whatever you want' also means that he trusts me, implicilty. And I don't just mean that he trusts me not to mess around, but, he trusts in my ability to do things, to make decisions, to find my own way. He trusts me to just BE a person, without having my every movement or thought or feeling dictated to me.

And while it may feel alien to me, as has much of our relationship, it feels nice. In a kind of free falling way, to not be completely entwined or tethered to someone else. To know that I can still be loved despite not being at his beck and call, to know that someone does view me as competent and capable but who doesn't mind if I do have a slight panic and call him because I can't find the right door.

I think in being loved correctly I have found freedom, and I don't just mean freedom in a relationship but freedom in myself. To let go of all of the anxieties that I thought made up me as a person. To just, be me. Alone.