Chronicles of a Stoner Mom

Hi. I’m Mary, and I’m a stoner. It really took me years to admit that I was not just a smoker. I had graduated to pothead when I really had given my last F*@!. I am also a mom and have a professional career. I am private about my title of Marijuana Connoisseur, and only select people get to know.

Chronicles of a Stoner Mom will be a collection of different topics that come up during smoke Sessions. I realize that there is a need to put on paper the conversations and thoughts that occur while indulging in the green goodness. I may or may not be under the influence while conducting my writing. Most likely, I will be. Just saying. Or was I asking for a friend?

I guess depending on what kind of mom you are will determine how you feel about Stoner moms. I identify as the mom who never attends a PTA meeting unless it is absolutely mandatory. The mom who is the one who runs to the parking lot and steps across the property line off school grounds to smoke a cigarette during half time. The mom who curses and does not sugar coat any conversations with my kids.

The mom whose advice after high school is to follow your heart and just do what makes you happy. To not worry about what’s expected in a society. No one said life had a right or wrong way to live it. Just be good people, have compassion, give love to those who need it. Not all moms agree.

In order to be my friend, you must be totally okay with my lifestyle, or participate with me. Otherwise, it just won’t work. I am not going to hide my desire to burn one. You must be strong willed because I will ask you every time, “You sure you don’t want to hit this?” “Just a little?” And you must be able to sustain nonstop talking about things that will never make sense, and remind me where I am in a story that I will I keep forgetting.

I have seen so many moms come and go in my lifetime. There were those who were drinkers, cigarette smokers, Pill Poppers, Coke snorters. Then there were those who were not. Some moms were sociable and some were quiet. Some had everything and lived every day faking it.

The baker, the Chef and the Mary Kay pusher who never knew the right way to wear makeup. The hot gym mom who every other mom secretly envied. The mom who had it together and the one who never did. Moms everywhere doing it the way they know best.

I got to a point in my life where I would just rather smoke a bowl and get deep into some nerdy shit or spend hours in the dark with my telescope. I started to value my time spent with my thoughts. Smoking weed helps me be able to think a lot deeper and a lot of my creativity and ideas are sparked during a good smoke sesh.

Isn’t it funny though that when you do meet another smoker, it’s like an instant friendship? You do not have to have anything else in common except for the fact that you love herb. Friends for life. There are no friends like stoner friends. It’s a pretty basic relationship.

My latest debate is that Stoner moms and Wine moms are not the same. Wine drinking is socially acceptable when moms get together. It’s okay to tell Bella’s mom at the bus stop that you have a headache because you had too much wine last night. She will reply with “I know what you mean, that was me 2 days ago”

Let me try to tell Bella’s mom that instead of rolling a joint last night for my night cap, I pulled out my 3-foot bong and couldn’t even remember if I had turned the stove off like 3 days ago. But did just remember to shut of my hair straightener from yesterday.

My conversations at the bus stop includes non-stop chattering about things that no one cares about because I hit my one hitter one too many times before I left the house. I tried to act normal but giggling all the way home out loud because it was hard to “act normal” and I just thought about how high I was and how Bella’s mom must think I am high or something. It was the fact that by the time I made it to the stop sign, I already forgot what time I needed to be back for after school. I turned around and yelled to Bella’s mom, “Do you remember what time the bus comes after school?” With a very disapproving look, she told me. I’m so glad Bella’s mom pays such great attention.

Smoking helps me relax around my kids instead of feeling stressed and always yelling at them being a single mom and always stressed out. I have acquired a lot more quality time spent with them and am able to remain calm and enjoy their company. Some people will say that it’s so sad that I need to smoke to tolerate my kids. That just shows me that you have never tried it and don’t understand the benefits of cannabis and how it can improve your quality of life.

Not all wine moms are the same. I am talking about the ones who drink as much wine as I smoke in weed equivalency of intoxication. Which means neither one of us should drive. What I have noticed is at first when drinking wine, the buzz sets in and everything is great, the kids are beautiful, the house is perfect. But 2 glasses later, slowly but surely, she starts spilling all of her drama.

The kids are assholes, my husband is never home, I don’t own a vibrator, and that’s why I drink wine every night. I’m tired at work all day and last week I was late because I had a bad headache. I am horny and stressed and wine helps calm me down.

But guess what? It’s cool because its acceptable. And you can get away with saying you drink occasionally when your doctor asks you if you drink. And it’s so cute when your kindergartener says “drink wine” when asked what moms’ occupation is. But saying “smoke weed” instead of “drink wine” is just so shocking to some people. I am not at all against drinking or wine. I actually love wine and have had it countless numbers of times. Bottles at a time occasionally. I’ve even drank wine out of a bag.

Bella’s mom would probably respond with a plan on how to reduce stress, and her massage therapists phone number, and the location of her yoga class. She might offer her a few of her Xanax to help her relax. Which, Wine mom will pretend she doesn’t want, but secretly she can’t wait to take them. And the kids will be invited to spend the night away so that some rest can happen.

Stoner moms are just as caring, but my offer to help include “coming over to roll up" and a bag of crystals that will help guard her from negative energy and some Sage to clean out the cobwebs. A list of meditations to calm your nerves, some incense, and a long explanation of why smoking weed would greatly increase her quality of life. Babysitting is off the table because I don’t babysit, but we can smoke a blunt and your kid can hang out with mine. The choice to buy a vibrator is non-negotiable, as a matter of fact, I will order one and have it sent to her house. I tried assure her that with the willingness to smoke weed, being the new owner of a dildo, and putting the crystals into good use will change her life!

But of course the advice will come with the risk of being blackballed from carpool even though Lizzy’s mom drives carpool still smelling like wine from whenever she drank it. All in favor of booting the pot smoker because she might be “Stoned” around our children, say I. Following a celebration cheers with wine glasses full of Moscato.

So, I remain mysterious mom who never attends community gatherings, forgets important dates, never offers to host anything, and really hates it when I have to participate in snack week during sports events. I do not own any Merch from any elementary schools, but plenty from Music Festivals and concerts. No, my 13-year-old does not want a playdate with your 8 year old. And for the last time, YES I have a skunk in my yard!!