Attempt at Kundalini Yoga

It looks like i've hit a midlife crisis out of nowhere after the sudden realization that I have only a chunk of my forties left, and wondering where the heck my twenties went!; and apparently I mustve skipped my thirties entirely because, here I am, overworked, underpaid, and growing sideways with a bad back to boot. So, I thought to myself ''Mystic Yoga, baby! time to soak up some enlightment, gain some wisdom, and maybe even find a new way of thinking(and feeling, if im lucky!''

Jumping into some comfy jog pants with a fresh positive attitude, minimal expectations, leaving my merlot, pizza and my two furry four-legged adorable psychopaths for a session that was meant to release my ''energy serpent'' into a flamboyant rainbow colored new life altering perspective!

And so.... Here I trod happily to the location...

A couple of hours later and back from a ''Kundalini'' session... Let me tell you, it was a WILD ride! It was like a rollercoaster for my soul, except instead of a seatbelt, I had to rely on my own mental strength to keep from flying off the handle!!!

The instructors were like mystical unicorns, prancing around and making strange gestures while the rest of us tried to keep up. At one point, they even brought out these two fans who were apparently Kundalini experts for a demo pre session... and damn... did they put on a show!

It was like watching a scene from The Exorcist, except, instead of demons, they were exorcising their inner snakes. They flailed around like they were auctioning for a new interpretive dance routine, and the instructors were right there, touching them, here, there and everywhere and even making weirder gestures.

I'm not going to lie... I was concerned on several levels! But hey oh, who am I to judge when I know nothing about mystic yoga? Im just a curious beginner, trying not to strain jaw muscles from all the intense concentration NOT laughing. Who knew meditation could be such a work out?

So...the lights went off. and the loud ethereal music started playing...

Turns out, the women in the group were all about that awakened energy serpent, no dormant snakes here! and let me tell you, things got wild real quick!

Within ten minutes, the young lady next to me was having a full-scale, mind blowing, earth-shattering, acrobatic (and ear popping!) wild orgasm that lasted nearly half an hour, and a few other women too, right and left, in an almost perfect tandem! It was like watching a Cirque du Soleil performance, except instead of trapeze artists, we had orgasm artists.

If it wasn't enough, there was another lady in the room who was moaning so loudly with such guttural groans, that I thought she was being attacked by a pack of wild animals. I had to open one eye to make sure she was okay.

The ''piece de resistance'' however, was the banshee on the other side of the room. It was like someone had kicked her puppy or cancelled her Netflix subscription.

But there's more! The torture session lasted a whopping two hours! (I mean... props to them for their unwavering commitment to emotional expression). After just an hour, my back was screaming for mercy, thanks to the paper-thin yoga matt they provided (I swear, my scalp is thicker!) and to top this off, I was freezing my buns off and in desperate need of a bathroom break, but apparently, leaving mid session was a no-no.

Meanwhile, the room was filled with banshees moaning, screaming and crying in a big ''bouillabaisse'' of emotions. The instructor were busy bouncing from one person to the next, trying to wrangle that ''active energy'' and then they got to me, pressing down hard on my forehead with all their might while making snake noises (or cat hisses??) in order to to awaken my invisible slitthering friend in meant change my life for better. Oh! the agony! and just when I thought it couldnt get worse, they came back and pushed on my full bladder, causing me to let out an involuntary grunt. Their response? ''Good, let it out, let it all out!'' and in my head, I was like SSStttooooppppp.

All in all. it was a cathartic experience, but also a little like sacrificing terrified pigs to Satan himself. Just another day in the world of European Kundalini I guess!

I could not find a moment of peace to even attempt meditation! I am pretty sure my inner serpent wasnt just dormant, it was probably coiled up tighter than a spring and contemplating spiritual suicide!

What was I thinking, putting myself through this? I mean, I'm all for trying new things and embracing change but lets be real here! We're in London, not some tranquil retreat in the Indian wilderness!