You See But I Feel

More and more I hear the words, spoken like a given compliment,

“You’re a strong woman,” “You must be very strong,” “You have a strong inner strength,”

But, how much thought has gone before these words? Any?

Or were they spoken from the voice of empathy, pity, or any other emotions felt at length?

**

I thank you for your perceived kindness, your effort to try to understand,

But please, I beg of you, stop praising my strength, my resilience, my fight!

For I fear I’ve been fighting, struggling, bleeding for far too long,

It’s exhausting, wearily disheartening; forever battling darkness and never reaching that promising light.

**

You feel it’s empowering but how very wrong you’ll one day discover you’ve truly been,

If only you stood beside me every step of the way,

But no! I’ve gone it alone, I’ve stood beside and defended the very people who always broke me in the end,

Become the butt of their jokes, had my loyalty tossed back at me as something evil I’d say.

**

You may see resilience, courage, strength and determination,

While behind the permanent mask I quiver in terror, in desperate solitude I cry rivers,

Forever feeling an outcast, thrown to her own defences at birth,

If there is such a warrior within me that you see — it’s one that hides behind her shadow and quietly decries her shivers!

**

Inside my internal battles, two frightened young kids swing and punch their way about,

One in defence of all the foolishness the other sees and feels,

Neither the hero your words attempt to portray; no, they squander their wisdom just to survive,

Running from disgrace, burning bridges and regrets that follow consistently upon my heels.

**

I’ve become the seamstress of all that nightmares are made of,

Sewing together the wounds that refuse to fully heal; battle-scarred and beaten,

Stitching each lesson into its associated lesion, scar tissue knitting it tight,

And I search amongst the bullet holes for encouragement when my get-up-and-go weakens.

**

You may see more than there really is, think I’m cruising the highway of life,

Believing nothing can beat me, I’m some superhuman; but you’ve got it all wrong,

In all honesty, I’m terribly broken and messily bloody; cowering in fear; if silently,

So, I’m sorry but none of this feels like I’m one of the strong!