You Never Cease To Amaze Me

You never cease to amaze me with how much pain you can bring me, nearly a year since I moved to follow your dream… and I'll admit I chased you. I wanted to be healed enough to support your dream and I really thought I was. Even if that meant absorbing mine and pushing past the discomfort of pursuing someone elses dream that didn't quite fit or even went against ones own souls beckon call. I believe now that the issue lay with you- you weren't done adding new wounds to not just me, but also yourself. You didn't have your goals alligned, nor the vulnerability to understand with reward comes sacrifice. Instead, like a true Aries, you paraded yourself around as the tough guy, fire ablaze with passions on the line, willing to take down anything and anyone that stood in your way. When in reality you were small, meak, full of disillusionment and too defeated that all you could do was throw a fit when the world and me didn't serve up your cake on a golden platter, dressed to the nines or in your preference- not clothed at all. You wanted me and everyone else in your network to bare it all, naked, raw and vulnerable. You constantly held expections for people to be authentically themselves... until their authentic was no longer appealing to you, "boring" you would often dub your latest conquest. Reducing all those around you to characters, pawns, players in your world. Supporters, lovers, fuck toys, comfort providers, usables that were in fact flushable... you washed us all down the drain the second our 'genuine' didn't conform to your amusement. The stupid ones like myself attempted to people please our way back into your appeals. We'd hold up large signs screaming like ditzy cheerleaders for you, bent the way we lived our lives to better fit yours; some sort of twisted delusion all our own to try and work with you? For you? Knowing somewhere deep inside it would never ever be enough and that chasetisment from you would be right around the corner, brandishing our attempts, telling us how foolish we were to break our genuine to try and fit yours, that that wasn't attractive, sexy, appealing. Reversing what the entire attempt we did was made to do. Instead we fell farther and farther apart.

It really is truly amazing you possess so much power over me, even still. You left more then a mark, or even a scar. In fact, I think you took something that doesn't belong to you and replaced it with an unaviodable sadness that lives rent free deep within me, holding up residency within the part of me that's suppose to serve myself.

For someone that wields this much power you sure are insecure. Or perhaps you just understood a lot sooner then I did that one day I'd wake up. Less like a pheonix rising from the ashes but more like a hermit emerging from its shell, afraid for so long to leave the comfort in the lifestyle and patterns I built around you. All energy expensed went to serve, nurture, love, worry over you. Energy that was designed and created within me to fight my demons, battle my depression, keep me afloat and ambitious was being funneled straight to you, and when you wrung me dry (see other poem...) I folded, and became useless to you, unappealing, boring... You asked me to go find myself and the person you fell in love with, baby you poisoned the girl you fell in love with. You drained her completely all the way down to her Identity. She... me became a shell not even resembling her former self. I'm not big on new years resolutions, never have enjoyed the idea of setting myself up with goals to fail, perhaps it's stemmed from my unhealthy habit to people please every last drop outta myself, and you can't people please yourself into goals that don't also benefit others... Well love, this year I've decided not to set goals, (besides the staying the ever living hell away from you...) But more rather, I am on a journey this year to retrace my steps, physically and mentally. To go to all the places I believe I left pieces of myself, where I became less me and more about you. I thought this entire time I'd be able to do both, find myself and push you towards all your goals and wishes... a balancing act I thought. But in a partnership it takes more then one person trying to juggle. It was never going to be even because while I was so busy trying to balance us, you still only served you. And expected me to continue funneling into you and somehow "find myself". So now I am. I am finding myself, it just took *near* total abandonment of you to begin finding me again, all the places she went, all the moments that made her her, me me.

Adios, my love. You were my temple, and like a cult you kept me hooked for far too long. Tricking me into servitude that only benefited you, and drove me to forget myself. You were excellent at this, so much so that I'm not sure how much was intentional or just became something you did so well and so often it became you. Cheers to next year, or maybe the year after that, or maybe many many years down the line when I have found all my parts and pieces, perhaps even discovered new things within me, passions. Maybe then we can cross paths again, and I will have the strength to not bend to you, and you'll remeber the girl you fell in love with... and lost.