Yearning

What we yearn for as human beings is to be visible to each other.

Jacqueline Novogratz

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Remembering the 24 July 2018.

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Meal finished.

Though initially reticent and hushed, we soon begin a frenetic chat! 

Unzipped. 

Our shared elated buzz manifests as a tumble and jumble of anecdotes.

Then, excitement curtailed, we transition to the gentle and steady pace of conversation.

I listen, entranced by his enthusiasm; his humorous recounts and adolescent concerns. 

I perceive the emotional struggles as he transforms from child to man. 

He is capable of great empathy and I notice a flicked comment here and there to the contrary. 

I pull him up with a ‘stop right there’ intervention and discuss his transgression and the nature of his innate kindness. 

It’s the first time we have ever had an evening together. An experience beyond our Saturday Coffee Club or movie catch-ups

I have absorbed the grief of those less regular. 

I have no doubt of the essential value of living away from my son. 

The backstory is long and ‘let’s not go there’ and I deal with it well most times.

Yet, when I sit and watch and listen to Ross; I can’t help but wish it was different.

The pleasure denied of observing his daily rhythm. 

I fight the yearning.

The chasm of Dissociation threatens.

I implement techniques.

My longing quickly recedes as my memories of restriction return. 

Negation.

Realism. 

Equilibrium.

Pauline Fountain. © 2024. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced without the written permission of the author.