Why can’t I…

I want to die

It’s what I think the most about

But I’m afraid

I’ll survive

Or I’ll hurt someone else

I could slit my wrists

But then my kids would find me

In a bathtub full of blood

And be traumatised

I could take cyanide

(Can I make cyanide?)

But if I survive

Life would be worse

I could hang myself

Where do I get the rope?

How do I tie the knot?

Where do I hang where no one will find me?

I could jump of the roof at work

It’s high enough

But when they find my gnarled body?

And if I don’t die?

I could take all my pills

But probably end up

Throwing up

Getting my stomach pumped

I could drive into oncoming traffic

But I would kill

The other driver

And in all these cases

If I don’t die

I’ll end up in the psychiatric ward

And who would miss me?

My kids

Sandra

My mom

My brother

But could I please just die?

Or….

Can I learn to value my own life

And stop all this suffering inside?