While my words insistently waited for me for a lifetime

Sometimes I intend it to be my last.

Sometimes I think I should write the best one today.

And sometimes I want to set the title and put it at the beginning of the article and then fly away from this world like a bird...

But neither my mind nor my heart can allow me to do such a thing before the end of the time allotted to me, and I still know that I will go through what I have to go through and I know that I am being tested and I protect my life and my pen with all the strength I can, of course with His consent and permission...

I can't possibly make a low sentence, any word I write shouldn't even be rotten.

My vetoed inner voice has been clawing at my chest like a bitchy cat for days and that equation that I cannot adjust and the mechanism that collapses.

What I cannot disclose beyond what I fulfill.

While I don't even have the right to object, while living and writing, I don't even tolerate a spelling mistake.

When my intolerance is at its peak and my patience is tested by everyone around me and my mother just said?

"You're counting where you are.

And that concrete and reactive sentence, which is the beginning of the apocalypse, and which everyone has been shouting in my face non-stop since my childhood, means that it is time to travel in time.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been tested and always been subjected to tests in every sense.

Even the happiness of studying and being a hardworking student was not enough for those around me.

I was a mischievous child but a sane student and especially in high school I took private tutoring in math and physics and somehow this was always thrown in my face.

My family and teachers who never spared me anything and I didn't even realize that I had graduated from university with a degree, how could I ignore my degree and certificate of appreciation that was handed to me? Of course there were reasons for this because on the day I wore my cap, only my mother came to the ceremony and she only left the intensive care unit where my father was hospitalized for a short time and how I shed tears on the happiest day of my life.

For a long time, I always saw myself as inadequate, so much so that I wholeheartedly believed that I was retarded, and even though I received my diploma in English-medium institutions, I never saw myself as intelligent or successful until...

In addition, I never enjoyed university life while studying at university.

For some reason, I quit my job and enrolled in the pedagogical formation program, and I filled out a test that was handed to me during the lecture, and the next day I was handed the note that I had received this time, amidst applause, and the number written on the paper: 131

What was that all about?

Not my age, not my date of birth, not my class number, and when I asked, my department head answered with a smile:

"Your IQ is a girl.

The professor also gave me an update that I was gifted.

What do you mean, I had considered myself retarded until the age of twenty-five, that is, until that day, and the sudden feeling of self-confidence that suddenly appeared in me and I was so fired up that I graduated from the department with the first place, and then I went to camp at full speed and this time I won the master's degree with a degree.

These are factors and presentations that are considered success, but they did not reflect positively on my life because I expected superior performance from everyone as a human being.

My love for people was at the top of my human qualities and I have always loved people:

First of all, my classmates and then my colleagues and I never once questioned whether I was liked or not because I was so sure that I was liked.

I'll be brief here and I've been in and out of countless social groups, perhaps more than anyone else, because especially in the jobs I entered to make a career and in the banks I worked in, I took the highest level of happiness and socializing as a basis and I made a huge bias to all my friends, I opened my heart to the fullest and nothing happened to me.

Yes, my superior intelligence worked so much overtime that I went down in history as the purest working person.

At least I won the love of my students in my working life, but these were such short-lived happinesses that in the institutions where I worked as an English teacher, either because I clashed with the management or because I did not get positive energy from my colleagues, and finally, while I was working as a paid teacher, and on top of that, I spent out of pocket, and at work, when I was going to be appointed, suddenly a mishap happened and my documents were returned from the Ministry of National Education...

Have I had a simple life?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

But I've always managed to be a difficult person.

Emotionality at its height and sensitivity that conflicts with my intelligence so much so that emotionality is characterized as stupidity and...

While I was attached to all my friends wholeheartedly and always opened my inner world because I could not analyze the character of any of them, I experienced countless troubles while working, perhaps because I found happiness in sharing, and all these things that backfired were the explosion of emotions and intelligence together.

While my words insistently waited for me for a lifetime.

A lifetime of being forced to remain silent, and even now, nothing has changed.

Maybe it is a genetic silence that falls to my share, and here is where I relieve my silence by writing.

If it is a retouch, the pen's divit.

If what I write is a rematch, what I have written is what I have reflected on my life experiences and I am still that naive and well-intentioned and retarded girl in high school, that great plane tree that I tried to climb with my love for people, putting myself and my intelligence in the background in order to hold on to life with love, and I found the return of my love and this love grew even more by writing. Is it called?

Of course Divine Love...