Slipping

I'm slipping.

The world starts crumbling and everything seems to blur. My eyes don't go exactly where I want them to. My mind won't focus. The images in my head are blurred and faded, I want them to stop shaking.

Get a grip.

It feels like I'm Indiana Jones running from the giant rolling boulder. Except the boulder is a thought, or just anxiety in general, and I'm constantly running. Everything is so fast inside, but outwardly I'm still.

The anxiety festers and I'm frustrated. My palms curl into fists and my nails become claws. The urge to thrash is an ache.

It feels like I'm a character in an action movie falling through the barrel of a compromised airplane, or down the tunnel of a cave. I need to reach out, grab onto something, but the whiplash will knock everything out of my head, and every time I stick out my hand, I deflect off of the side.

Ouch.

Is this crazy? Is this what crazy feels like?

Time doesn't exist. The clock in my head is broken. I try to think of one thing, and suddenly I'm shaking. The thoughts in my head are controlled by an earthquake that never stops. I want it to stop.

Missed calls and text messages, but I feel so alone.

Anxiety and frustration fill and drown and sink. My mind zooms out and I watch myself. I'm behind my eyes, my fingers controlled by something internal, me and not me. The way I move is mine and the voice I have is mine, but the way I talk is unfamiliar. The inarticulation is thwarting.

I try to hyperfocus and obsess. It's deteriorating. It's a mess. If I can just try to select one thing, if I can just finish one thing, but it shakes, it pulls. I begin to paint an image in my head, but the canvas tears, brittle and breaking. The paint doesn't even stick, it's lifting.

Come on, climber, get a grip.

I'm slipping.

...

This poem, I think, is unfinished. It might become part of a mini stream of consciousness series. Or it might be something I rewrite all together at a later date. I felt the need to get something out, and I think this was productive, in some way, so anyway, here's this thing. I hope you liked it.

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