When our eyes first met

when we first met, well that wasn’t love at first sight

You thought I was a dweeb and by now I guess you’re right

But I thought you looked sort of cute, and seemed awfully sweet

The kind of person I was happy to meet

Well of course we became sure friends

And then we wanted to move past those ends

It wasn’t a cliche spark of burning hot passion,

but there was some sense of simple, honest attraction

We flirted and dated and married and mated,

Our kids were perfect, our lives seemed fated

But poverty and the mental illness made for long years

And as time wore us down we gave one another too many tears

Today you said “and you wonder why nobody likes you.”

And that was mean, it felt like abuse

I try to tell you how I feel, but what’s the use?

If we try to talk it out, you’ll be ready with some excuse excuse

And what better way to shift the focus than to accuse?

After all:

It’s my fault you said those things, right?

Because I’m the one who started the fight?

how?

By telling you no?

Yep,

Guess that’s how it goes.

You say it’s my job to be on your team,

But “do as I say”, that’s what you really mean

And it’s not like I don’t want to be of some help,

But first and foremost I should account to myself

Because I’ve had too much of you acting like a Queen

You want a slave not a husband, and that’s rather obscene

Am I allowed to say “no”?

Where’d my freedom go?

You want it in your pocket, but it’s not really that deep

You can’t hold my will, that’s mine to keep

So go on thinking that you’ve got no blame,

And I’ll go on wishing that something would change

And we’ll talk and we’ll fight far into the night

And by the end will either of us even be right?

If I am you won’t see it

And if you are, we’ll, then… shit

I guess nobody likes me, just like you say

And why should they when I’m the worst in so many ways?

You know the things you’ve said used to make me cry.

Once upon a time they even made me wish I’d just die

But tonight I’m tired enough to just not care

I know no matter what I do, you’re hate will always be there

It’s not justice, it’s not a thing I’ve earned

So why should I let myself feel burned?

When I first saw you and you first saw me,

That wasn’t love.

But for a while we thought it could be

For a while it really, truly was

But that while has fallen into the dust

Now our relationship seems like two trees

One bent and green,

Lashed to one rigid and mean

The green one strains against the dead weight of the grey

But there’s cracks in the grain, and his branches wither away in the shade

Our relationship is like one dead and one stunted tree

And the one growing sideways just yearns to stand free

But fuck this poem, and this shitty rhyme scheme

The truth is you’re not dead you’ve still got green leaves— and I’m not as stunted as I lately believe.

I still want to quit, because I’m tired of “making it work”

Because that’s Just code for “staying married to a jerk”

But we could both be better to eachother, our past isn’t all on you

But… what about our future, what are WE willing to do.

It wasn’t love at first sight, but the love we grew might still be there

But the question is how much do we even care?

It will take work and effort and sacrifice to unearth,

And truthful introspection? well that’s going to hurt

But if you have any good will towards me,

Either make the effort or let me grow free

***

Oh wait, I guess you just sent me a text.

And I counted your words:

Can you guess what’s next? Because your message came across as pretty absurd

You’re 10% sorry for what you said and you know it was wrong

But you’re 90% justified and right all along!

And I can’t stop myself asking: why didn’t you say this to my face?

and tonight like most nights I’m made to feel like a disgrace

You say, that your text-apology was enough,

you seem to think what you said wasn’t that rough

You say it was obviously not even true,

Because people like me, or atleast one person— that’s you,

But that seems like a desperate, manipulative lie,

I know who you’re lying to, and I’m gonna guess why:

You grudge a little lie, for me and for you

because that’s easier than speaking the truth:

You don’t like me, you can’t even stand me

You resent, and regret, and pretty much damn me

Yet, you know I’m hurt, and you hate to feel guilty

So you make to grant me some meager healing

Just to lift the weight off your shoulder

So you can believe we’re all back in order

So who’s it for? a little for you a little less for me

And how long till we’re right here again? — I guess we’ll see

No, when we first met it wasn’t love at first sight.

And the love that came later has been thrust down, kept away from light

But maybe together we can see it again

Because the love we once shared, that wasn’t pretend

But can we keep it alive, should we even still try?

I suppose it would be a shame to let a green thing die

***

***

***

Authors note:

Ive made quite a few entries in the “from across the room” poetry challenge, but most were social commentary…. dark (horror themed) takes on the concept of love at first sight, usually centered on a specific social commentary. So often predatory or merely selfish relationships get mis-conceptualized or overly romanticized as “love”.

But there were two poems I wrote for the challenge that were true to me, that is to say, centered on my personal understanding of this vague human thing/ action we call love.

The first was a letter to my son, about the unconditional love I felt when he was born. In that case I was mostly writing about love as a noun.

This poem, on the other hand is a letter to my wife. And I hope it doesn’t sound too pessimistic. The love I have for her is a very different kind of love than that which I have for my kids, and if I’m being open: it’s much harder to maintain.

It takes more effort, bears more disappointment

In this poem, love is a verb.

I hope this communicates the ongoing sense of struggle, frustration, confusion, and commitment— and action— that marriage really takes, because the initial attraction that drew us together was admittedly shallow. Once upon a time we might have called it love at first sight, but That wasn’t love.

That wasn’t what carried us through a relationship full of struggles, disappointments, and the pains of life.

The love came much later, in the persistent effort to sacrifice, and do right by eachother even when times have been bad… and to heal eachother when the times weren’t really to blame…

Love isn’t a feeling it’s an action.

An ongoing, painful, and imperfect—but worthy action.