What You Lost

What You lost

Your name slips off my tongue in a present tense,

As if you were a lesson,

Who still is connected,

To me,

although your silence is deafening.

Who you are is prevalent in who I am,

Or at least tied to who I was,

Back when we shared our love.

Now,

I sit here split in emotion,

Still wanting to give you the world,

Send you my thoughts,

Shower you with gifts,

That I have bought,

With the intention of care,

But sprinkled with spite,

As if it was cool air,

On a brisk night.

I want you to feel the frost on my eyes,

From all the empty nights,

That I have spent crying,

Over you.

For you to remember even though we’re through,

That I’m still here,

And how you're still entangled in my thoughts.

Even though I don't want you there,

You still have the key to my lock.

How I badly I want to ask your opinion,

Over something as stupid as a blender,

Knowing I should just buy one instead of fishing,

That this is not what I’m going to surrender on.

As if I was playing my own pon,

In a way to feel the most pain,

Like it is some sort of sick game,

To make myself feel worse.

All because I can't talk to you,

Because I want to,

Instead of just reading the goddamn reviews.

Your active light,

Shines bright,

At the fact that you have seen,

What I have sent to you,

But you've stopped treating me like a human being,

That even exists,

As if I'm in his rear-view mirror,

He's just driving down the road waiting for me to disappear,

From behind.

But why can't I be as blind as you,

Because I feel as every move I do,

Still involve you,

Whether it was something you watched,

Something you once bought,

As small as a time on the clock,

You're still there.

You're the poison that I have chosen,

To a level that I want to undo,

I want to delete you,

Because feeling this way,

Listening to the words you have said,

I bought into your medication,

Now I am left here complacent,

With someone who used to love me,

But now you don't even see me.

Don't even care,

That I’m still here.

I know that's why I left,

I just wished he had regrets,

That I was worth being loved more,

And he has shown me that I was nothing but a spill on the floor,

Resilient at first,

Overall, a pain,

But you can clean it up,

Leaving maybe not even a stain.

Two years of my life,

Two years of my life!

For what.

For what!

Someone who it doesn't matter if I live or die.

I want to reach out over that stupid blender,

Knowing I am going to give in and render,

About how much pain losing him has been,

Wondering if this hurt outweighs the love,

If it was worth the cost,

If the highs were worth all that I have lost,

And I just don't know at this point,

I am at my ending point,

Where I want to tell you I hate you,

Even if that's a lie so thin,

you would be able to read past it,

But I want to hurt you,

Like you hurt me,

That how you quit trying,

Before I decided to leave.

I want you to feel as if when you see a light,

It's only a lie,

That you lost the best thing in your life.

I want you to hurt like that,

But when in fact,

I was a blimp in your life,

Nothing worth the fight,

Someone who was nice,

But never the best or worst thing in your life,

And definitely not worth the price It cost,

Nothing of matter that you lost.